THAT is the attraction.
Many times, when a ws has an affair, it is with someone completely opposite of their spouse.
And this is one big reason affairs fail.
This new person was so different & "exciting", it'snot really what they want. It was a distraction (not necessarily better) from the "usual".

Stick with us until you get stronger. I was a complete mess at first, but if you keep reading and posting here, you will become very strong.

Which you will now rectify and let EVERYONE know of it, right?

Should I continue to be affectionate toward him..laying on the couch together, being sexual, etc. The whole time though he still talks of selling our home and living separately...what's up w/ that?

jh, yes you should still do those things - they are nice. But, if you want to save your marriage this time, you must: EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. If you don't want to save your marriage, then just keep doing the same things you have been doing all these years since the affair started. [you will have the same result]

jh, I hate to say it, but yours is a TEXT BOOK case of what happens when the BS does not set a boundary for no contact after an affair and never exposes. This affair has dragged on for YEARS because you did not draw a line in the sand about no contact, culminating in yet more D-Days and a never ending affair. A death of a thousand cuts, drip, drip, drip.......

This is exactly why Harley is ADAMANT that no contact FOR LIFE take place even it means a move to another state or another career.

Sorry, but he's got his cake and eating it too. One minute "you are makingthis so easy" for him to walk away, the next minute the attitude is gone. It's called justification and guilt. Please expose him...you ARE strong enough, you just don't know it yet. As my H now says "I don't need any other female friends". Neither does he.

I don't understand how one can claim not to be "strong enough" to do the things to battle an affair but is somehow strong enough to endure an affair for years on end? How can one not be strong enough to battle an affair, but strong enough to handle the inevitable divorce?

I don't get that.

I consider myself one of the strongest women I know, but I could never endure years of unimpeded adultery. I simply am not strong enough to do that.

To me, that's like enduring YEARS of unending toothaches just because I am "not strong enough" to endure a root canal, which would eliminate my pain.

again, you are right...ahhh..I hate being in my own skin right now...I am really scared !!!

But I have nothing to lose right? Either I lose him by exposing him or I lose by him walking out the door..I have control over exposure!!!

What are yo afraid of?? that it will push him away?? It will...at first. But ultimately he'll see that you are just trying to save your family because YOU LOVE HIM. You don't have to act like a crazy deranged scorned wife. Be as clam as you can, but let him know your family is worth standing up for, to you! Whther he chooses to stay or go is not up to you, but in the end, he'll have respect for you for it. He has wronged you and any consequences are his doing, not yours.

My H is also an addict and that stayed secret for a long time until it could be avoided no more. That is when recovery began. There has to be a bottom for him here too and he'll never hit it by staying in denial. It is not your job to force him into seeing how he has hurt his family, but you are enabling him to continue on this destructive path by covering it up.

I know! I know! I know! But I just keep thinking to myself all that I have learned over the years..that I shouldnt hinder other people w/ my problems, that what happens in our marriage is not one elses business.. and I dont want his family to think I am only telling them to get back in him..which, I guess I would be doing.

I am suggesting that you expose the affair in order to SAVE your marriage. See, exposure is ruinous to an affair. Your marriage is being destroyed by an AFFAIR. We are trying to help you ruin the affair, and save your marriage in the process. You are already losing it with your current actions. He is already walking out - with your help and blessing.

Have you learned over the years that your actions in regards to his affair have led you to this terrible place? The purpose of family is help and support their members when they are in trouble. Your marriage is in trouble and you need their help. Most family members are more than happy to help.

You tell your family that you are not trying to get back at him, but that you are trying to save your marriage. Tell them that you love your H and very much need their support to stop this affair. Ask them to use their influence with your H to talk some sense into him.

Ok this is all I will say about it. You've heard the advice given. You don't have to tell them to get revenge. I didn't know of A at the time, but I surely would have told his family. My parents knew everything as it progressed, I didn't tell them to get pity, I just told them what was happening. He told no one anything. The A was completely secret, even from his friends (though I'm sure they had to suspect). After I found out, I didn't call his parents to tell them, but when they called me, I let them know. Eventually, his whole family knew. I told both of his parents and his sister. They did not take sides, but were supportive of any decision I made. They were there for me. I told his older brother that we had been separated for some time and he needed to call H for the details. Once everyone else knew, he finally called his youngest brother and told him. Once I knew (2 weeks after knowledge of pregnancy), H had to tell all to his friends. xOW and he are in same 12-step prgram and could be a secret no longer. This forced honesty has been the best thing for him.

You are not doing this out of spite or to hurt anyone, remember that. YOU are just being honest. He doesn't want to face his reality, so he hasn't. Don't enable him anymore. please!! Good luck!

Is it better to let him go than to ask your family (who love you both) for help?????

You're his willing accomplice in destroying your family.

Make him face the consequence of what he's doing.
Stop helping him tear apart your family. Become a warrior for your kids.

1. He wants to separate? Make him do ALL the work.

2. Make him face that he's going to come out looking like the bad guy. Don't let him sugar-coat anything to anyone.

3. Do not allow him to lie to the kids. He'll want to tell them that Mommy and Daddy can't get along. Nope, Daddy wants to have a girlfriend.

4. Exposing the affair is not your enemy -- the Affair is your enemy. Battle it. Using all tools at your disposal like family friends and his own conscience.

Being "nice" isn't winning your husband back, is it?

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN!!

your words hurt...I know I need to hear it that's why I am here because I talk myself out of everything and I need to be set straight on the right path again. In just these few days you HAVE opened my eyes to new thoughts and I WANT to act on your advise to save my Marriage..I dont mean to sound wishy washy but I am. I need to stand up for what I want and think about my needs for once and not be scared of his reaction to things...but this too is learned behavior that I am trying to overcome...

1. he cant tell the kids that mommy & daddy arent getting along because they dont see that, they see us getting along, joking, so I have NO idea what we will say to them.

2. I told him yesterday, when he came to me about what the realtor told him we could get for the house, I told him I didnt care and had nothing to say...I told him he is the one that wants this separation and I wont be any part of the fall-out of our marriage..he scrunched his face and walked out of my office..nothing has been said about it since.

3. They too, are in the same 12 step program (he says she doesnt go to all the meetings, only gone to a few..I am sure the only reason she goes is to be closer to him) I have no idea if he has spoken of us or his decision at his meetings.

4. So the next time my mother-in-law calls our home and asks how things are going I should just break down and tell her? I know that I would start crying and she would, I am sure, be in her car and travel 3 hours to our home.

Do you understand that your inaction has brought you to this terrible place? You do not have time to "learn to overcome," you cannot use that excuse any longer, jh, for not taking action to save your marriage. You have become an accessory to the crime in the destruction of your marriage.

You cannot "try" anymore, you must DO. Your H and his GF are destroying your family. And you are allowing it to happen without lifting a finger, because you are afraid your H will be "mad." Aren't you more afraid of losing your marriage and breaking up your children's family?

1. Guess you should talk to him about his plan for telling the kids, and let him know that you will not allow him to lie. He should be prepared for the kids to know Daddy has a girlfriend.

2. Notice the last part.....nothing has been done since. If you make him carry the load and stop helping him, he'll lose the momentum.

3. Who cares. Its pretty irrelevant what they are doing or not doing.

4. Nope, don't wait for the next time. Pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and call her. Tell her that you and her grandchildren need her help.

This is just more conflict avoidance, jh, and will get you nowhere. You don't WAIT for her to call and ask the exact question, you pick up the phone and call her like a GROWN UP WOMAN and tell her the truth. You then pick up the phone like a GROWN UP WOMAN and call your H's boss and inform him of the affair. You then expose to anyone else who might have influence in your lives.

Secondly, you should call up the realor and inform her that you won't be signing anything to sell your house and to take the house off the market. Tell your H that you will not be facilitating the destruction of your family. You are only available to work on the marriage.