We've done the email thing for a few weeks.

We've talked on the phone for the last couple.

Finally met for a date.

And...

Meh... Very nice lady, but not really interested in continuing to see her.

I know my answer to this, but I'm going to ask anyways. Ladies (and gentlemen if you want to throw your 2¢ in), would you prefer the guy to call you and tell you that, although you seem like a great person, he's not interested in seeing you again? Or, is it somehow easier not to face being rejected in a phone call?

I'm slow today... are you asking DO we want to know something vs "not hearing anything"? I certainly hate it when a guy disappears for no reason. You're not asking that, are you? An e-mail would suffice. When did this date occur? Do you think she liked YOU? Do you think you might hear from her first, at which point, THEN you will have your chance to let her down? Of course if you don't hear from her, you will need to let her know something.

I'm chicken. I told one guy by phone and he argued with me for 30 minutes about how he was a great guy and I was not doing myself any favors. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I send emails when it has only been one date. Not enough time spent or "vested" to warrant a more personal break?

rejection is rejection and it is always kind of bad...

V.

After only a single date, on the phone is fine. Emailing for weeks, talking on the phone for weeks, then you meet ----- nothing. Not interested. How can this be? Easy. On-line dating is all backwards. What you get on-line and on the phone contains only a fraction of the communication stream. At that point you're only dealing with a personna, nothing more. So when you meet the real person, he/she is rarely what you thought or want and now someone has to be rejected. Why waste the time and effort?

CheckUr ~ I've noticed this tendancy as well. Also I think on-line especially with emails there's an interesting phenomena that takes place.

It goes like this: You read what the person wrote, but it's heard in your head WITH YOUR OWN VOICE!!! And there's nothing better, nor more convincing than your own voice inside your head!!

So you get pretty warm feelings about the person. They "sound" so nice! They make you "feel so good"! They "get you" so well. Etc., etc.

Just my theory mind you, but it seems like what I've experienced since my Divorce & on-line meeting of folks.

TBG ~ I think a simple email or phone call is sufficient. I know this: Women like to know EXACTLY where a relationship stands. They need to be able to define it pretty precisely. Therefore, you're helping them to reach their needed goal. More difficult than a minor rejection is not knowing.....

High Flight

Yeah, that's the question. [edit: Or another way to look at the question is do you OWE them an explanation? It was just one date.]

I've been on both ends. Sometimes they'll tell me, other times they just stop returning my phone calls. That used to really drive me nuts until I stopped letting it bother me. My rule used to be give them three calls and after that, take the hint. Now I'm down to two calls. If they don't return the call after two, time to move on.

Haha... you're so funny.

I assume this was a rhetorical question, but I'm going to answer it anyway.

This was #3 that's progressed to a meeting from my online experience. So, I'm batting 667. I don't consider that to be too much wasted time and effort.

And...

When I went to meet #2, I didn't have very high expectations because we weren't really connecting on the telephone. It was nice that she didn't turn out to be like I expected... our rapport was much different in person than it was through email or on the telephone. I was very pleasantly surprised. DEFINITELY not wasted time and effort.

[edited for spelling]

But will these relationships actually go anywhere, TBG? The odds are against it. The average romantic relationship lasts about 6 months. On-line relationships go for 2-3 months on average. That's what I meant when I told someone in another thread that anytime we connect with someone romatically, we beat the odds.

When I was trying the on-line thing, I was very selective and I "batted" with an even higher average than .667 -- but none of those relaationships actually went anywhere. Like everyone else I know, I went through a series of two to three "dates" and then things just fizzled. This is pretty much the way it goes with on-line dating.

OK, so you've met three women. Think now of all the time you've spent creating profiles, cruising profiles, emailing, IMing, talking on the phone. Add up the hours you've devoted to this. Not really a terribly big payoff when you consider the investment. Now when you consider that in two years, you probably won't even remember these women's names (after all you are freeloading and not wanting any real involvement), the investment is even more costly. All that work for nothing. My life is too precious to waste so much of it chasing a pipe dream. This is the way nearly everyone eventually comes to think about on-line dating -- all except for the pros, some of whom have been doing on-line dating for years and have yet to have a significant relationship.

We'll see where you are with this in about a year -- after you've hooked up with a few crazies (and you will) and had your heart handed to you a few times (and you will).

High Flight, I thiink you're on to something with your theory. I've often thought the same thing!

My online dating rule was to progress to the phone after three emails. By the second phone call we had better be planning to meet. Some guys thought this was fast, but I wanted a "real" dates and, eventually, a real relationship.

Honestly, my personal experience was that if we didn't spend much time online or on the phone, I'd prefer that things just fizzle.

If we'd become friendly online, then yes a note was nice.

I've been in love three times in my life. The last two I met online.


Mrs. W8ing

To answer the original question, I try not to disappear if the date was a bust, and usually write an e-mail. Sometimes I do opt for the second date, to kind of give it another chance, but that has rarely worked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

To answer the criticism of online dating, I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters - it sucks. It is full of crazies, players, whackos, and other dysfunctionals (MB members excluded, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

OTOH, for me (and I suspect many others), it is the only pratical way to meet women. I work with mostly male engineers, so that venue is out (unless I keep hounding all the secretaries, and that's gonna become creepy). Then, after work, being a dad with small kids, it's off to do homework, soccer, baseball, etc. Sure, it's possible to meet quality single women at Little League or the grocery store, but it's about the same as winning the lottery.

So all the advice of "go and meet women at fun activities that you like to do" sounds really good on paper, but is very hard for many of us single parents to implement. That is why online dating is so popular. Of course too many people have made online dating a way of life, rather than a way to meet someone for a longterm relationship, and that has made things that much worse.

Oh, BTW, I did meet 2 or 3 RL women in the past few years - they were no less crazy than the ones on Match, Eharmony, or whatever. So, I don't think Match has the patent on whackos.

Anyway, I think online dating does take a lot of time, and is usually a waste of time, but for a single dad like me, I can choose the timing (eg after kids go to sleep), and it is the only practical way for me to meet people. I do take it with a huge grain of salt. Having said all that, I just signed for the 3 month Eharmony special thingie, so I am buttoning down the hatches and getting ready for my $8 dates, thanks to Big Guy's advice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Be a man and pick up the phone....it's much better and you'll be respected more for it by her and yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If I were rejected by someone, I'm thinking maybe I'd rather read it on email than hear it on the phone. None of that 'awkward silence' that way. But still, would rather know something than know nothing at all and wonder what happened.

And my 2 cents about on-line dating: There are all sorts of guys out there--found that out in just the 5 that I dated. But I agree that for some of us, it's about the only way we really have of getting back into the dating game. I actually I found it to be not nearly as bad as I feared it would be, and am currently dating a wonderful guy I met 8 weeks ago.

LL

For the record... as I was planning to do in the first place...

I called her this evening. We talked for about 40 minutes. Actually, she talked and I said "Yeah" and "Uh Huh" alot (that was part of the problem). At the end, told her that she was a great person, would find someone else, attractive, but the 'chemistry' just wasn't there. She took it very well.

Felt clumsy as he**, but the deed is done.

My womanly response - I would appreciate a telephone call.

I don't think you need to be too detailed - just that it was nice finally meeting you, on-line dating is a tough situation, BUT..I'm the kinda guy that needs instant attraction, feelings, vibes, etc. and I just didn't feel it during our time together. I hope you find your match and I will continue to search for mine..thanks again for meeting me. YOu may also want to add that you felt it was appropriate to call and tell her this and not just never call again..Common cuortisy (??)is fair

END...

[color:"blue"]I think the odds may be equal for RL vs online whackos. It just feels like more whackos are online because you meet so many dates (period) online. I do a lot of pre-sorting. Sort out by email, phone, and then meet. At the end of judicial sorting, I've only dated one player and have yet to meet someone scary.

V.[/color]

Well, when she started picking at the quarter sized scab on top of her head, I pretty much decided then the date was over.

But that matches my former professor (irl meeting) who lived in a house that hadn't been cleaned since she bought the place.

Not so much scary as just disturbing.

Good for you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I knew you were a stand up guy!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hearing rejection stings no matter how it happens...via email is bad because I don't think you get the same "closure" that you do in person or on the phone...

Proud of ya!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />