Hi All,

I posted earlier about SEX WITH EX because my ex-wife keeps trying to pull me back in the sack. She practically begged me to mess around with her the other night and had gone and purchased two of my favorite music albums from long ago and had them framed as a present.

She is telling me that she misses me, as a friend, confidant, and lover but she states that she does not want to be married to me or date me.

All this after the divorce was final on August 5th 2005 after a 13 year marriage and two boys. She had multiple affairs, I had one, she went first, then me, she filed and booted me from the house with a restraining order. We finally settled, I pay her 45% of my paycheck for the next three years and I get 50% custody of my boys.

I truly believe that we could have worked it out but she simply wouldn't hear of it. We broke up right after we moved back to the states from England.

Basically, I think she underestimated the bond we share and now wants the best of both worlds, (Friendship and Sex) with the ability to go out without me and party with her friends, including other men.

Has any other man experienced this with their Ex? It's like she keeps doing things that make me think there is still a chance but then makes no effort to discuss reconciliation.

I'm confused and my emotions are now all over the place.

Jimmyboy

"She is telling me that she misses me, as a friend, confidant, and lover but she states that she does not want to be married to me or date me."

Answer this one question Jimmyboy and you'll stop being so confused: Do you really want to be her or any other woman's little boy-slut?

Man, you are being so worked! You betcha she's doing evertything she can think of to keep you on the string and completely confused! I wonder when the asking you for money part's going to start?

Many of us here have already advised you to back away from this. It's time for you to initiate NO CONTACT (except in connection to your children). You have to move on and the h*ll out of her bed.

While my WH and I were in the middle of the infidelity, he could not disconnect from me. He definitely wanted both worlds or as they say on these boards, have his cake and eat it too. He even asked me not to move out of our house and just live in the other side of the house----co-exist were his words. But he was still emotionally entangled with me and was getting what he thought he needed from the OW. He could not emotionally disconnect from either of us. He admitted he was unwilling to let go of the whole OW scene. At the time is was too exhilarating. It was so harmful so I had to make the decision to end it which was not easy. I am very glad I did cause I have so much more peace and serenity.

Well---there is no more OW for him and just a pile of regrets and remorse so he lost out both ways but that sometimes is the price you pay.

If you continue to have "marital" relations with your X, you will never be able to move on-----you both will have a very unhealthy relationship and I cannot imagine that being good for your boys. Who would have respect for who in that arangement?

TW

DUMP HER dude! She not only dumped you - but then kicked you when you were down by putting a Restraining Order on you! You are a FOOL if you have anything else to do with her. And the RO - is it still in effect, or did she drop it so she could come around and hit on you? Man, you're worth far more than what she 'thinks' you are - everyone else posted here before me is right - you don't want to be her pimp-ho, do you? She wants you to, but you're just WASTING YOUR TIME with her.
TDL

It's hard when kids are involved. I would ask myself if I really want her back. I mean, do you really? Each time you are with her sexually or otherwise it only hinders from you getting on with your life. If she's not interested in giving the marriage another chance, then your really just exerting excess energy that could be used for yourself.

Tossedwave, my WW dis something very similar. While she was trying to maintain that she had ended her affair with the OM (she hadn't and I knew it), she ignored the MT's advice and moved into an extra bedroom. She still used our bathroom to bathe and paraded around naked every day as she got dressed, but denied me any sex. Here's the killer.... She suggested that we make this a permenant arrangement. We would remain married, she'd continue to live is the other bedroom, she'd continue her relationship with her OM and I could do as I pleased in terms of fulfilling my sexual needs with other women (only not in our home). She wouldn't love me, but I could continue love her as long as I didn't tell her so. Beyond that, we'd carry on as if nothing was wrong. You can imagine that my flabbergasted response was "woman, you must have lost your f'ing mind!" The MT's response to this proposed accomodation was even less kind. I considered this wanting your cake and the bakery too. It's amazing how derranged peoples' thinking becomes once they walk down the infidelity road.

Rather than telling him he's a fool, how about supporting him?
Let him know it would be a poor choice.

TDL didn't call him a fool, Chris. He said he would be a fool to have anything further to do with her given the circumstances. Jimmyboy needs some tough advice right now, not touchy-feely. He's already been told time and again what a bad choice nearly everyone thinks this is, but he's not listening.

Seriously, this is the most crazy thing I've read on the boards! I know my WS is does/says odd things but this takes the cake! (no pun intended) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I slept on the couch while WH had the bedroom. He suggested that I continue to use the master bath (and parade around nude). This was during HIS affair. He called this a marriage of convenience.

I know it was convenient for him - meanwhile I slept on a couch with nowhere to put my belongings and paid half the bills for this "convenience". Plus I was celibate.

Crazier things happen.

V.

[color:"blue"]Dear Jimmy,

Is this the extent of the bond you share? Or did you also bond in matrimony for better or for worse? Didn't that bond also include a promise of exclusivity? Do you want to settle for sex and friendship from the person that was the most dear person to you in all the world.

If you can settle for half a loaf - the decision is yours - take it. If you want the whole enchilada, maybe you should not settle and you could tell her that you wouldn't feel right without the commitment being part of the package.

V.

who wouldn't settle [/color]

Check and Sunny---wow---I didn't think this was typical of infidels but apparently it is. Exclusiveness is what I am aiming for. That is why I would never "live" with a guy. If I wanted sex without commitment, I would have stayed with WH. He aint a bad guy just extremely confused.

Jimmyboy, You will loose respect for yourself and your WW and this would not teach your kids what they need to learn about committed love.

TW

Oh my GOSH! Jimmyboy, I'm going throw a similar thing right now, it's ridiculous. Except we are not divorced yet, but I know he is going to want to carry on like we are after the divorce. He is unwilling to even talk about any issues, and in his mind the "marriage" is over, but likes our relationship.. Also he has made comments about our upcoming divorce helping our relationship... And yes it "feels" like everything is great between us, way better then these last years we've been battling each other over his infidelity and unwillingness to act like a partner, with consideration etc.. Things are way better now, but that's with me totally blocking the fact that this is a joke, I'm a joke, and he's a joke..

I try to convince myself that he REALLY loves me and all of this will end. That this new way of dealing with each other will lead to a meaningful marriage, or possibly allow us the ability to rebuild after the divorce that HE feels we need.. But in all honesty what MY behavior is allowing him to do is have EVERYTHING the way HE wants it. And I feel guilty, and empathetic towards him, shoot even try to understand, how, why, etc, everything, so I FORGET that I even have needs, or should have the respect for myself that I've been fighting years to truly get from him..

God knows love makes you do crazy things, and I love this man unconditionally that's for sure. But it's just a joke. He has a now GREAT relationship with me, we don't argue, we laugh, joke around, play with each other, have that great family time, COOK together (never did that before), he sits down at the dinner table (big deal), he's home so much, I'm able to count on him now in ways I couldn't before, we still have an active sex life, on and on... All sounds so encouraging, feels so encouraging, and we are both enjoying it..

BUT, he doesn't know that I know the affair continues.. I've read emails. And there’s just so much passion in his words for her, and fear of loss. Yeah he doesn't want to loose me either, but I believe he thinks that he can DEVORICE me, end our 11 years of marriage, and KEEP everything good that we have now, and be able to have her. I mean why wouldn't he think that, it's going on right now.

So I'm thinking, oh maybe this and maybe that, and he must really love me because of this and that. But all it may be is he's just SELFISH. I have no idea.

Jimmy, I think at the point you are at down the road. Well that with HER you can't accept anything less then commitment, you love her, she's hurt you, and with her it is going to hurt. Even being close to her in that way is going to hurt you, even if it feels really comforting and nice. You are, or were SURE, she was the one. She is clearly not sure, and still doesn't want a commitment.

You will be back and forth with the yo yo, it's no fun Jimmy. In the future if she discovers she feels for you as strongly as you feel for her, then things will work out for the two of you. But I believe if you have this kind of relationship, no strings attached after a divorce, it gives YOU no credibility with them. And they will never want a committed relationship, because they haven't had to snap out of it and grow up...

I'm sure you could date someone new, and have all the uncertainty etc about them, and it would NOT hurt you as much to know that they were unwilling to commit to you at that time. The difference is, your ex-wife, knows you inside and out, and if she's had you all those years, lost you and still only wants parts of you, well if you give her what she wants, you will be loosening yourself. That is not the way to rebuild anything with her, and right now anyway, it doesn't look like she wants to rebuild anything.

I'm looking for answers myself Jimmy, and I still come back to the big question, how is this happening, I thought he loved me as much as I him.... I honestly don't get it, but I'm glad to see that others can relate..

jmn

Hey There,

Boy, you guys are all right! The last few weeks have been really wierd for me, my heart has been twisted inside out and I'm pretty f***in tired of it! I am finally realizing what a twisted soul she is! She just wants me for the familiarity but doesn't really know what commitment is or for that matter what love is really about.

Less than a week after I refused to sleep with her she is banging her neighbor! I just hope she doesn't bring him around the kids! I think she thinks she is Samantha from Sex and the City. It just kills me to see her swing from one branch to the next when our kids are going to see one man after another in her life!, or multiple men inside the same week!

I'm not going to be another branch for her to grab on to, I'm done, kaput, finitto. She keeps informing me of her escapades and I really don't want to hear about it! I'm gonna tell het that she can keep her crap to herself and leave me out of it!

I guess she will just have to make due with other men, as for me, I'm not going there again!

Jimmyboy

Sounds like where my ww wife is headed. she finally forced a seperation 2 weeks ago with her bazzar and hurtful behavior. 2 months of this crap and I am ready for divorce. I can't really work on the marriage because she wants the om and me. No ****** way!! Well it seems she has decided this om is worth selling the house(we can't pay mtg without both incomes) and moving out to an apartment. this scum is married and seperated from his wife for cheating. My wife is like "Hey where do I sign up." DUH. I am sick of this stupid crap. all the garbage about feelings and irrational request that only fit her needs screw this. I am selling this place and filing for divorce soon after.