I HAVEN'T POST IN A WHILE BUT I HAVE BEEN VISITING. I AM SO UPSET MOST OF THE TIME WI TH H FOR HAVING THIS A WITH THIS FOW. EVERYTIME THAT HE HAS A PHONE CONVERSATION WITH HER SHE CALLS MY CELLPHONE PRIVATELY FIVE TO TEN TIMES THAT SAME DAY. I WANT TO KNOW WHY THAT IS AND THEN I WANT IT TO STOP. SHE CALLS MY JOB AND MY CELLPHONE EVERYTIME SHE CALLS HIM AND THEY TALK. I CONFRONTED HER ON THE PHONE ABOUT THIS AND SHE SAID THAT "IF YOU KEPT YOUR SO CALLED MAN SATISFIED THEN HE WOULD NOT HAVE SLEPT WITH ME" I DO NOT FEEL THAT IS AN ACCURATE STATEMENT BECAUSE I WAS FULFILLING EACH AND EVERY DESIRE THAT THE H HAD AND HE STILL CHEATED. DOES ANYONE THINK THAT THE A IS STILL GOING ON OR IS SHE TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE SO? DOES ANYONE THINK THAT AFFAIRS HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT SATISFYING YOUR PARTNER? IF SO THEN WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO COME HOME TO YOU EVEN DURING THE A AND AFTER?

The affair could be over and she just wants to harass you, sometimes that just what OW do. Affairs do not happen because you are not Satisfying your partner and DONT ever let her make you beleieve that. Most men will always come home to their WIFE. Keyword here is you are the WIFE. Most men will NOT leave their wife unless they are made to leave. But that is JMO.

Have you read the following:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html
How do affairs begin???

I think A does start w/ M people not meeting each others need and one of the persons not being STRONG enough to confront the other on thier needs.

Not saying the A was your fault, but have you asked him WHY??

As far as the FOW, ask her to stop, if she doesn't, keep a JOURNAL!! (Always the first thing you do) And go from there. Its harrassment,plain and simple and she CAN be stopped. Its a childish game and don't give her the satisfaction that it bothers you. !!
Sunny D

i asked him why and he told me that he did it because it was just something to do and he knew i was at home asleep (because i had to go to work) and she would be woke at 2 am and willing to screw him. i have not been keeping a journal but i will start. thanks for the idea. i am just so tired of dealing with this woman and he still has not taken a dna test to see if the oc are his or not.

You may want to chime in on Deala Aka Nio's girl. She has two OC also and deals w/ a crazy OW. Mine is pretty calm compaired to most. As far as his lame excuse, that is just it! I can't remember you whole story but how is your M going?? I mean are you going to have C w/ these children or N/C, I can only assume that nothing is though the courts since no DNA. What steps are you and H taking now??
Sunny D

I PLAN TO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH OC OR OW. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME BUT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HER. NOTHING IS THROUGH THE COURTS BECAUSE SHE IS YOUNG AND SHE FEELS THAT IF SHE DOESN'T TAKE HIM TO COURT THEN HE WILL COME AND BE WITH HER WHEN HE CAN. YES THE EXCUSE IS VERY LAME. I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER IF HE SAID " I DID IT BECAUSE I HAD THE TIME TO WHILE YOU WERE BUSY DOING WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF YOUHOUSEWORK, RAISING CHILDREN, WORKING, ETC.) BUT HE GAVE ME THE LAMEST EXCUSE HE COULD FIND. I DO NOT KNOW IF I WILL STAY IF THE OC TURN OUT TO BE HIS. MY M GOES FINE IF WE DON'T GET ANY CONTACT FROM HER BUT THAT RARELY HAPPENS. WHEN HIS PHONE RINGS I ASSUME ITS HER WHEN HE LEAVES I ASSUME HE GOES THERE. I'M TOTALLY NOT OK WITH THIS SITUATION. SHE NOT ONLY CALLS HIM SHE CALLS ME ALSO.

What you can do, is call your phone company and ask about the harrassment call policy. They should be able to tell you what to do. In my state you trace the call as soon as you hang up and it goes directly to their center. It's been awhile, but I believe you have to call their center and get a case number or some such thing. After, I believe, it's 4 harrassing calls (threatening calls are fewer yet)they turn the case over to the local police for investigation etc. Also call your local police/sheriff's dispatch and report the call each time they happen too. In our state they have a log sheet they want you to fill out.

So your H wants contact with them?

I think that is what I am seeing.

Why not change your cell number?
or his?

I am sorry not familiar with your story but if he is leading her on with speaking to her or having contact then of course she is gonna tease you or feel like she has some power over your marriage... heck she has become a part of it and no one is telling her to stay away or going to do anything about it That is just what I believe is her point of view.

my h has not said anything about seeing them or wanting to. he does not talk about them. i asked him does he love them and he said how can he when he does not know if they are his. i thought about changing my cell # but i don't want her to have that type of control over my life. he has said that he will get his # changed after the dna tests come back. my story is that i am m and have three kids. we have been married for three years, together for nine and i found out 7/18/05 that he has two oc w fow. so she has been involved in my marriage for almost as long as we have been married. he says that they may not be his but that he did sleep with her. he wants to save the marriage but she is so silly and crazy that i know if the oc turn out to be his i may not be able to try. any advice?

The UNKNOWN is the greatest fear........and I put Patience as the greatest test.......
Try to come up with a plan from what you do know......you can always revise it later. That helped me. Do both case scenerios.....if they are his then what, if they aren't??.....do this with him too!
Hope that helps.....

t27amara,

when are the test results coming back?

I know you do not want to change your number I feel ya. If she continues to harass you simply make a police report and get a protection order.

You should immediately change his number. Does she have your home number if so change that as well. You and your H can communicate with her through the mail like a pobox or your attorney if you have one.

I am sorry but if he is going back and forth between the 2 of you then dont you think you should put some boundaries up?
He does not NEED to communicate with her till after the test results are in.

thanks for the advice. i have recommended all these things to him to no avail. he still has not even ordered the dna test and she calls constantly just for money he says but i know its more than that.im so confused. i want to be alone but i am scared to. i feel that ifi put him out (he does not want to leave) then i let her win but if i keep him there i suffer.

WHY is he giving her any money with out a court order?

He better get a damn receipt that specificaly says for CHILD SUPPORT of CHILD FULL name and dob and ssn and dated as well.

Anything he gives her is considered a gift if not court ordered or if he does not get a receipt that specifically states what the money is to be used for.

Oh sweetie I am so sorry for you. I know it hurts to think he may go to her but also he may need to feel what is it like to lose you for real, all the pain involved.

I know you feel disrespected and like you are being pushed around by him and his wants

i have no idea why he gives her money without a court order. he says its to keep her mouth shut but i do not buy it at all. he justifies everything that she asks for. he is completely surrounded by fog but he says that i am the most important person in his life if this is true i would hate to be the least important.

Honey, I am so sorry you feel like that. My H tells me the same thing, that I am the most important person in his life, but truthfully sometimes I dont feel like that. You need to just keep being open and honest with him. POJA is what everyone here says, I have not done that yet though, I will admit and I think if I did maybe sometimes things would not feel so bad. You guys are going to have to come to agreements, you HAVE to let him know how you feel otherwise it will not solve anything. I learned that the hard way.

Why is he trying to keep her mouth shut? Keep her mouth shut from what?

i would like to know what else he is trying to hide also. but i can't get it out of either one of them. so should i just let him and it go or keep digging?

Have you read about a Plan A?? It sounds as though things are not over between them and in order for you to be able to move on in your marriage, C between them has to stop. I mean, I realize they have to have C because of OC's, but until you all KNOW if they are his, a check in the mail should be fine. Some people say do nothing until DNA results, but if your H wants to pay, he can do so under a "reasonable assumption", but go get those DNA results. You don't have to get a lawyer to get this legal, but if you have the $$ it's advisable. I know you're afraid, but until the focus is on your M again, you will always live in fear. Good luck!!

t27, if he does not think the oc's are his then why keep her mouth shut? That does not make any sense? As well, it sounds fishy to me. I normally don't promote plan B as i have my own feelings on that, but and this is what I'm seeing he is using you both, and someone said let him see how it feels to not have YOU.

You do know his affair has NOTHING to do with you right? And think about it. This has been going on a long time. What a prize she will be getting. uh? I'm not trying to sound harsh, but this is to easy for him. If he's doing this to you....whom he loves so much, how do you think he's going to treat her?

I would think he is still playing two lives. He refuses to get the DNA test? He goes to her all the time. He gives her money with no DNA test.

I'm sorry even if he told you that he had the affair because you were busy cleaning and keeping your kids and working and all, that is still not a good excuse.

There is no good excuse for affairs. They hurt to many people. And agian, let me tell you this again. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR WHAT YOU HAVE OR HAVE NOT DONE. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM AND ONLY HIM. IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT HER BELIVE IT OR NOT. She is a willing participant. This is coming from an fow too.

Hang in there, and you do what you need to do to find peace. Read up on the site here and see if it can help you out in this.

thank you all for the advice... it has been really helpful. h has been having very minimal c with the ow and possible oc. i spoke to ow and told her that if the possible oc need anything then she needs to contact me and not my h... so far it is going well. i check his phonne randomly so he never knows when... he is being more attentive to me and our marriage and kids and its going well from day to day so far...(i had to pack all of his things and put them at the door to get to this point... if it goes in reverse i will be sure to put his things on the outside of the door...

t27amara,

My situation is much different than a lot of woman on here but I was unknowingly the other woman. My husband and I were together for 1 yr and 10 months before DDay that resulted in child which actually wasn't DDay cause they were married. I knew he had one child but I found out about the situation when 2nd child was 2 months old. I actually told him that I wanted him out of my house and not to come back until he had divorce papers/blood test (since he claimed child may not be his)in had before we would even talk of working things out. And just because life isn't life without a little fuel to the fire I found out I was preggo 4 weeks later. I say stand up for yourself, stand your ground, make the appointment for him. If he is allowed to see the OC buy one of those test off the internet and do it yourself...some you can use father and child only. Make him accountable for what he did and don't let him know you are afraid to do it on your own, even if you are.