2 weeks ago I left my husband after a 2 hr counseling session during which he told me he hasn't been attracted me or my personality since we married. We dated for 11 months prior to marriage, and I discovered his porn interest early on, but in stages -- first the Playboys, then the DVDs, then the computer files, bookmarks, etc. We fought about this issue on and off, and I made it clear my expectations of there being absolutely no porn use when I move in after we are married. We attended an Engagment Encounter weekend before the wedding, and one last time I asked him to commit to me that there would be no porn in the house and no seeking out porn on the internet. It was the first time he was not defensive and did not argue. He agreed, and I believed him and finally felt totally free to marry him. When we returned from the honeymoon, he was back to the Internet porn. So for the past 3 1/2 months we have fought miserably about this issue. Of course, he has no recollection of our agreement at the Engagement Encounter, stating he would have never agreed to that, that would be like "agreeing to give up golf". He blames our arguments regarding this issue on my low self esteem, and told me I need to go to counseling so I could be okay with his porn use. I did go to a counselor and then asked him to come along. She delicately tried to get him to decide that he needs to focus attention on bonding with me instead of with the computer. Nothing worked, he continued to be angry with me, and denied that he has a problem and expresses no concern that it hurts me so much. Only when backed into a corner by the therapist, he agreed to put an Internet filter program on the computer, yet he was even angrier and said he did NOT do it out of love or consideration. Occasionally he still attempted to go to softer-type porn sites and was blocked, and then 2-3 times a week he would go to celebrity photo galleries (women clothed) to become stimulated by them instead. He even did this once while I was in the room lying in bed waiting for him. Of course our intimate life has been sporadic and mostly about his satisfaction and not mine. The computer has seen a lot more action than I have, and I am willing and available, work on hard on being attractive and fit. I have never rejected a sexual advance, yet I have been rejected plenty. When I gently confronted him about him still seeking out women for stimulation and relief on the internet, it was another horrible fight, followed by a week of him treating me like a stranger in the house. No kindness, no affection, minimal eye contact. This is a man who cried like a baby while I walked down the ailse to join him for life. Following that week, we attended another counseling session which I referred to above during which we made no progress and he only said more hurtful things to me. Now I took only my clothes and my toiletries and have been living with my parents for two weeks. During that time, he sent me hateful e-mails to take the Internet Filter program off our computer, and when I did not he reloaded the entire computer and got the program off himself so he could look at porn again without restraint. We had our first real conversation by phone since I left a couple of days ago. I asked him where he wanted this to go. He said he wants to work together and support each other. He said he is willing to go back to counseling with me, however not to "rehash" the issues, and that he will not make any promise about Internet porn. I asked him if he is willing to let me and our future go, because he will not make that promise. He responded, "I made you the only promise I need to, and that was they day we got married", and that if I chose to throw everything away over something as unimportant as porn, then that was my decision. I saw a lawyer last week, but I feel conflicted about proceeding if he is willing to return to counseling - even though he has basically demonstrated that he will choose porn over me. I guess I am still hoping that with more time and thought, his heart will open and he will agree to stop. I read your thoughts about divorce on the website, that if you still have feelings then you should do everything possible to prevent the divorce. I am still looking for the stones to overturn. I love him so much, but I don't know how long I can live in limbo waiting for a brick to hit him in the head. Yet I don't want to act too quickly, for fear the brick is coming I just can't see it. I have even thought about putting the issue on the backburner and trying to work on reconnecting with him and being together again, and that maybe that would give him more motivation to reconsider the issue. He is tired of defending a behavior he believes is okay -- maybe if I give him temporary relief from that, he will come around? Or perhaps I am just grasping at the air, and prolonging the inevitable?
I have read other posts regarding this issue, but wanted to submit my own story for feedback.
