Hi. I'm new here, although I've visited a few times and tried to gain some insight for what I've been going through. Where to start...

I'm 34, and my wife is 31 -- we've been together for 10 years and married for 8 years. Our marriage has never been perfect. We've had fights and disagreements. She's a lawyer by trade so she can really cut me to the bone when she wants to. However, she gave it all up to work with animals a few years ago. We have several dogs and cats who are like our children. We have a nice house. We have nice friends. For the most part, we're a good match. We compliment each other. If there is one big gap between us, it is in the physical arena. She's much more into physical relationship than I ever have been (blame a Catholic education, if you will).

Earlier this year (around February) my wife was doing some temp work between jobs, and met an older man (50 yo) who asked her to coffee. Coffee led to dinners which led to movies which led to an emotional and physical relationship. The relationship part has only been going on for the past couple of months, but I know pretty much everything about it. For all of our problems, my wife considers me to be her best friend, and I hers. Which is why this has been so hard for me.

My wife has said for a few months that she is in love with this man AND with me, and she can't decide what to do. She kept telling me "He's gonna screw up, and then I can leave him and everything will be back to normal." Well he screwed up -- big time. I watched as she chewed him out in a car outside our house for 3 hours one night. A few days later, she spent 4 hours yelling at him on the phone. And the same the following day, and the following day, and the following day. I finally thought "It's over. Thank God." But every time I think it's over, she goes back to him.

I know I should be just slamming the door and saying "Good bye", but I just can't. She's such a HUGE part of my life, and to be honest, I think this affair has made me realize even more how important she is to me. And the funny thing is, she seems to respect me more (wonder of wonders). She's even taken to calling me "Captain America" (as has the other man).

The problem is, after this last fight, I think she realized that this guy really loves her. But to be honest I think she's in a bit of a romantic dream. I mean, with him she enjoys movies, dinners, romantic dates, etc. with none of the overhead (i.e. financial strains, pets to take care of, a house to take care of, responsibilites, etc.). I've tried to communicate this to her (without arguing of course), but it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I've tried to be there for her. I've tried to communicate how much I love her, while also letting her know that this is really tearing me apart.

For the longest time, she kept telling me "I will never divorce you. The only way we'll get a divorce is if you divorce me." However in the last few weeks, that has changed to "I don't know what will happen." It has really cut me to the quick.

I think I just don't know what to do any more. I'm depressed all the time. I have shut out everyone from my life because I'm afraid I'll spill the beans to get sympathy, but end up costing me my marriage instead.

She's thinking of moving out to a friends now to try to get some perspective (ala plan b although she has no idea about plan a or b). I think this might be a good idea. She has, after all, gone straight from her parents' house to college to my apartment and then our house. She's never been on her own before. Of course, I think it's a huge risk, but I don't know if I have a choice anymore. Fun thing is the other man is scared to death of her moving out (anywhere but his place) and afraid of being away from her. He is single (having been divorced and cheated on 15 years ago himself), and he has made her his entire life (5-8 calls a day, emails, etc.).

I just don't know what to do. I try to keep my emotions in check, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry or (and this was definitely a low point) punch a wall and literally break my hand (broken bone -- ouch). I'd appreciate any ideas. I can hardly keep myself together any more, and really just want to kind of get this off my chest. I can't tell family or friends, but maybe this will help me calm down enough to get through the next few weeks/months.

Wish me luck. I'm not too religious anymore, but any prayers would be appreciated too.

Thanks for listening...

First of all seek God for answers and blessing.

You need to look out for yourself. You need to let her know you love her then let her go. No contact. I have been reading this stuff for 2 months now and I am no way an expert, but I have a good gut feeling that it all works.

Good luck to you and don't break anymore bones. It's not worth it!

I am in a similar situation as you..my H is currently in an emotional affair w/ OW also his coworker..they have been physical but I dont believe that part of it is going on anymore. To be perfectly honest I can deal more w/ the physical than the emotional.

I too feel I should be the one to slam the door and throw in the towel after all this but I just cant..I truly love him and my entire life would be turned upside down if our marriage would end in D.

I know how hard this is for you. Reading your post is almost as if I wrote how you were feeling...that is why I too came here...to vent and hopefully find some peace.