Ok my story starts about a year and a bit ago. Married for 5 years (second marriage for both) I had 3 children he had 2 (who live with their mother) Life was good, obviously we had our ups and downs but we worked through them and came out the othe end. nothing serious just usual things.
About a year or so ago H decided he would like a snake as a pet. Not a big one a small python. I didn't see any probs with that so along we went to the pet shop, discussed things with the women in charge of that section and bought home our snake. As with most things with my H he had to be involved in all things related, so he joined a club, we were both involved but it was mainly his thing. Gradually one snake turned into 3 then along came the lizards etc etc.
He seemed to be trying to fillhis life with things that made him feel good. I tried to talk to him about this but like most M he didn't like or know how to express things so mos of the time I had to read between the lines.
Anyhow we bacame more and more friendlier with the lady at the pet shop and her husband. But H gradually distanced himself from the family and spent endless hours stuck to his puter doing web pages discussing reptiles general chit chat with other members of this group one of which was the eventual OW.
Attending meetings, go with her to visit other members and thier pets etc. I couldn't always go to these events as I was either working or kid commitments.
Gradually I started feeling left out of his life, this ow seemed to always be around or they were going visiting other people together, occasionally 1 child would go too as I worked.
Ok a few months back I started feeling weird about this "friendship" It just seemed they were spending jsut about everyweekend doing some club thing or other. So I admit I was jealous, but at this stage I didn't feel threated (call me nieve - think thats how its spelt) OW was married had been for a long time Jsut had a funny feeling. So i confronted H about it told him how I felt about the amount of time spent with OW. He was apologetic, said OW H said the same thing, assured me all was well and the contact basically dropped off, hardly any visits from OW no outings etc etc.
Then about 2 months after this conversation H came home from work, said he had a bad day told me all about it I listened etc, So I started to cook dinner.
Now to set the scene our internal stairs creak rather loudly, So I had made him a coffee and took it downstairs to him, but because he had headphones on he didn't hear me coming and as I came into the room He was busily typing away on his computer and didn't realise I was there for a few seconds, well when H realise I was He quickly shut down whatever he was doing and proceeded to babble on about some web site he was looking at. Well I can see you all nodding your heads.
Well The bells were ringing loud and clear now but I didn't want to start accusing and asking quesitons as really I didn't have any proof I went back upstairs and and tried to stop my heart from pounding. That night he came upsrairs early and took me to bed was wonderful and he told me how much he loved me blah blah blah. (This was Friday)
He had told me earlier in the week as well that He was taking OW to friends house on Sunday to pu some snake thing. So the next day Saturday He informs me he has to go to Shop and get food for lizards, I say Y doesn't she just get them for you and give them to you next day, he made some lame excuse and I just got the sh%@ts and off he went.
That night I went to bed early I knew something was up but I didn't know or didn't want to know exactly what. Anyway Sunday morning came I got up early I had to work got home after lunch she was there I said hello as I walked up the stairs fuming Had a shower made a coffee for me and went back downstairs, and she was leaving. She said goodbye. I went back upsaits and sat on the patio H came out and proceeded to tell me all about his day. I said did you pu the snake thingy he said No couldn't get the work ute. So I said well what did you do all day he said Oh we went to soem shops, had lunch at....... By this stage my heart was pounding. Then I noticed that he had shaved. Now in all the time I have known this man He never shaves on the weekend unless of course we have a wedding or something.
So basically I had my suspicions just no proof. So next morning he left for work I got up and went and got on his chat and lo and behold there it all was. This was only the last 3 days chat mind you I nevr did find anything for the preceeding weeks.
Now there was no declarations of love or bad words about me just a bit of dirtly talk about waht he planned to do to her the next day, How they had alot of feelings to get out, then Itwas as if they were planning a day at the beach, or would bring what, getting the issues out of the way, that he was fixed, had no diseases etc etc.
So from this I know that the actual act only happened once but the betrayal of the planning and execution tore my heart out. I was livid and aomewhat relieved that I was right but I had no idea what to do. In hindsight I could of done a lot of things differently but I was in too much shock of in finding my beliefs were right.
Ok sorry it was so long but I needed to get the story out so that I can now go on with what I need advice on -
So I rang him at work and asked him to tell me what he did the previous day - his response " I told you we did such and such" and I said no I want you to tell me what you did he said I don't understand. I said I just read your chat. Well I hear his jaw hit the floor. Well I called him a few choice names and hung up. I didn't know what to do I walked around the house Hyperventlating, my heart pounding I just didn't know what to do. Wihtin half and hour he was home from work and wanted to talk. Came out with Its not you meanning me I did nothing wrong to make this happen It was him he was sorry yada yad yada. I was just too numb to do anything I told him to leave, He sat their with this sad face and said I have no where to go I said I don't care just get out. Cut a long story short he ended up in hospital.
I visited him once and we talked for hours about him and his feelings and how he felt about himself and I said that he has to move out and sort himself out because we can't fix us until he fixes himself. Was very emotional and very hard for me because even though he did what he did I still loved him but I hated him at the same time for doing what he did. He shattered my self esteem, my trust my confidence etc.
ok. So he gets out of hospital gets a flat all going fairly well we are working on our relationship I feeling a bit better about things he is trying really hard to win me back. Then I get his mobile (cell) bill in the mail and there is a 6 minute phone call to her work that he made when he was in hospital. I would often ask him had she contacted him he said only once to ask how he was he said he never replied. He said (showed) me that he had her blocked on his chat board. I said just delete her name he informed me by doing that she can still contact him via email etc, I'm a little computer illiterate but not that much, I left that one on the burner for a while. He says he has her address blocked on his email so she can't contact him that way but he has dozens of email addresses.
Then a couple of weeks ago I was at his flat and I started to go through his phone and there was this rather nasty sms from her about how she gave him her soul and he just used her blah blah blah. I confronted him about this and he showed me the sms he sent to her. 1. from her asking him how he was let her know. 2. from him saying he's ok. got a flat but that he asked her not to contact him anymore and she came back with the above reply.
Anyway next thing I know he has twice been to her place of work to "get food for lizards" (he told me this) I was furious I said you know what days she works his excuse he doesn't have time with work hours erc or he has run out I basically said either you buy enough to last or they starve until you can go on another day.
Now you can see my problem one minute he is telling her don't contact me then turning up where she works. Now I onlyhave his word for all of this which at the moment means jack to me. I told him if he wants to regain my trust he has to work a lot harder.
So basically I'm confused. Is he over her, is he jsut keeping me on a string, Does he really want to come backto me or just his safe and familiar surroundings, Is is trying to keep her on the boil in case she leaves her husband.
He tells me everyday he loves me sends me love poems talks about when he comes home etc. I just don't know this man anymore. I have days when I'm good and other days where I am so depressed. I have days where I just can't talk to him or I want to throw a thousand questions at him. I don't know what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated and apologies for the long post but I feel good now that I have finally done it and gotten it off my chest.
