Here I've been feeling pretty good about ME and I go and do something stupid.

I am at work, chatting on instant messenger with the WH about nothing special. We do that. I wonder if that's a good idea?

Anyway, I hear "our song" on the radio. Makes me all sentimental and I let him know that I love him. He asks where that comes from and I type in some of the words to the song. No response. Crap. I take a break and go outside, smoke a quick cig. I come back and still no response. Double crap. I ask him if my "singing" freaks him out. He says no, he's just busy. Oh, but he can send me stupid emails with animated gifs? Ugh. Here's the real stupid part - I say 'I miss you'. No response. I say 'Do you miss me?' He answers 'sometimes yes - I can't get into this discussion right now' So I just answer with 'Ok' and let it all go.

I'm an IDIOT! Why do I do this to myself? He has always procrastinated doing things he doesn't really want to do. I mean, at some point he's going to have to deal with the fact that he has a wife and a marriage - for whatever it's worth - right?

Last night we talked on the phone about this upcoming weekend. I asked him if he'd like to make some plans and he said he'll let me know once he decides what HE wants to do. Great. I mean, I'm trying really hard to not let him hold those puppet strings, but it's not like I have a lot of friends here. I would hate to spend the holiday weekend hanging around the house painting my toenails for the 59th time drinking wine.

I'm trying to tie a knot at the end of my patience rope, but it keeps slipping. Help!

stoptheworld..

I'm not sure of the facts..

are you two living together
are you in plan A ?

I guess my question is

do you say I love you to be sure you are speaking your love...
OR
are you saying I love you...to hear something back from him..
with great expectations of something from him...

the joy of loving is learning to say it and mean it..
with no strings attached..
that you speak your love...not to hear it echoed back but because it is important for YOU to communicate it to him..

it is the art of learning to give while releasing your own expectations...
it is the art of learning to give and find great value in the giving...

heavy emotional conversations with a guy at work usually don't work..
or when either spouse is at work for that matter...

what was your goal in saying these things..
be honest about that answer...

ark

Hi STWPIs.........

I don't know a lot of your story, but this one thing I get from your post.

You are doing something (and keep doing something) that isn't working. Stop putting yourself out there in front of him to steam roll over!

Stop the ILY's, the I miss you's (and especially the Do You Miss Me's). And yes, I know it's hard.........take this from the poster child for "The Wrong Way" .....ME!

Make your own plans - even if it's just going somewhere to people watch and read a book! Don't ask your WH if he wants to make plans with you! Just GO!!!!!

I say this with all the love in my heart (and over a year of looking back on my own mistakes)......

GET UP!!!! GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!

Don't get tripped up on your "patience rope".

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

K

PS....get the book "Who Moved My Cheese?" It's a short, quickly read book, but oh what a message!!!!!

where does one get this book? Who Moved my Cheese?

Love your signature!!

Hi Ark,

No we aren't living together, he moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago and is living at his Grandmothers.

Yes, I'm trying to do Plan A, as you can see, not always on target.

Honestly, when I tell him I love him it's because I feel an overwhelming feeling of caring and devotion and want to express that. I do not, anymore, expect to hear it back. He has not told me that he loves me since early June although he has said he loves something I do and things like that.

What was so hard about that scenario I talked about was the 'I miss you/Do you miss me?' part. I felt very vunerable saying that because I was expecting a response to that, so much so that I dared to ask for one. Reading 'sometimes yes' hurts because for me it's almost always yes! So often I want to share things that are happening like we used to and I miss that.

I should know better than to start those type of conversations while he's at work anyway because OW works there. There is no NC and they are still "just friends" and he insists there is not a romantic relationship anymore.

Stop- are you sure about the NC and not a rekwindled A?

bigwave, nope, no idea. He never sent a NC letter, never agreed to NC. He says the A ended because of what happened after I exposed.

But honestly, bigwave, I am wondering if the A hasn't started up again. He has managed to cut me off from his work. Whenever I suggest going to lunch, he wants to meet at the restaurant, never at his office. OW still calls him on his mobile, but he says it's to talk about work.

I don't know how to spy on him anymore since him and his computer are no longer in the same house as I am. I now have a full time job and can't be following him myself. The people I used to get info from at his office are no longer speaking to me as he has managed to convince them that the only way to end the office drama is to cut me out.

Oh, OW will be moving into her own apt very soon if not done already.

Stop ,

Quote:He has a conviction for molesting a 15 year old girl in CA. Long story, but essentially, they "made out" and he "felt her up". She told her friends about it, her friends told their parents, parents told her parents and police were called. He was married at the time which ended in a D as a result within 6 months.

As bad as this sounds, your excusing this behavior is even more pitiful.

Why would you get involved with a man with such a history?

You need to be working on YOUR self respect.

Get thee into couseling and DON'T mention that you are separated but ask your IC to explore why you fell in love with such a man.

Best of luck, you have a lot of personal work to do.

PS read :http://www.drjoecarver.com/

Go to articles and the relevant one will jump out at you.

Hi! Sent you an email.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

stop- my gut feeling is that it has started up again. his actions kinda tell me that. I personally got the "we're just friends" speech even with me showing a cell bill with 400-500minutes a month to OM. The OW getting an aprtment is worriesome too.

Thank you Cymanca, part of it has to do with the fact I was already deeply in love with him when he told me about this. As you know, or else you wouldn't even be here, we have a huge capacity to move beyond a person's past actions and into the present and future.

My WH says that he needs space and time to figure things out. He says he needs to learn to accept his mistakes and move past them. His IC has apparently told him this and his coaching him on it. WH claims that all his past choices have been made based on this one thing. So what happens if he determines that he want's someone better than me? I guess I consider myself a pretty damn good catch and certainly one of the best things that's ever happened to his life (and believe it or not, he continues to tell me that I'm beautiful, intelligent, caring, fun, with a lot to offer - which only adds to my confusion). Who the heck would he be to ever say that I'm not good enough? While I've made some bad choices in my life, I have never made the kinds of choices he's made that not only have ruined his life, but also those around him.

I mean we all have our dysfunctional issues so people in glass houses and all that. I am in IC and I am working on ME. In the meantime, I am here, looking to you all for additional support.

Thanks, and keep it coming. I sure can use it.

yeah bigwave, I think so too. Now I don't know what to do. Should I keep up with the Plan A or go full into Plan B? How do you snoop when they go deeper?

as far as your plan A or B ,hopefully one of the experts will chime in, as I am in a simlar situation and by no means doing things perectly.
Snooping can be done have you tried accessing his voicemail, I figured out WW security code and did this for a while as she would always deleate the call list. So I knew she was in contact with OM. The disturbing thing was she was deleating my messages and keeping his, as to "hear his voice later" Made me want to hurl

Stop,

Thanks for clarifying the sex issue with your husband . And yes, we all are optimists when it comes to ones we love. I would be interested in a time line for these occurences. The situation you describe can be looked at differently if it happened when he was 21 and the girl was 15 and it happened 15 years ago. If he was in his mid to late twenties and this occurred just a couple of years ago, then it tells you about the true character of this man.

After all my time on this forum there is one infallible truth.

THE BEST PREDICTOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR.

He cheated on his first wife and now he cheated on you......point made.

If he decides he wants someone else, you can do nothing to stop him.

You can change yourself so that your self respect will not permit you to accept another so seriously flawed man into your life.

Well, he wasn't 21, he was 28 and she was days from turning 16 (all of which is in the court documents), which would have made it a misdemeanor. However, he willingly confessed and in that state you do not need anyone to press charges for the state to prosecute.

All this happened 7 years ago. He was divorced for a little over 2 years when we met.

I do not condone the behavior. I was once 15 and I fully remember messing around with guys in their mid-20's.

I was very bothered by the fact that things had gotten to the point where he had cheated on his wife. We talked about that a lot before we married. His stance was, he did it one time and look what happened? He had no intention of doing it again because he knew how much hurt it causes.

Guess the road to h3ll really is paved with good intentions isn't it?

Stop,

The reason that I am so strident on this issue is my own situation. I also took the position that I didn't care what my fiancee had done to the other men in her life, it was different with me. I knew that I was willing to give 150%. Surely the devotion and pure love that I could give would instigate an epiphany in her life.


And we all know how that story is ending.

Good luck!