My husband says that if I would agree to it, that we would be divorcing.

I have told him that while he is free to do that if that is what he needs, that I am staying committed to our marriage. I do not want more regrets, I want to be a good example to our teenage boys, I want to work on our marriage, and I still love him.

He says this is controlling, that I'm in denial, etc. He has admitted that he does not know what he wants, but he knows how he feels: hopeless, frustrated, not in love and fearful that he never will be with me again. He says I am playing some "victim" game that will go into high gear if he is the one that initiates a divorce, that I will make it him against me and the boys. That may be how others could perceive it, but I have decided that I want the marriage, and will not consent to a divorce.

Am I okay in sticking to my convictions? Am I being controlling and clingy in this area? He already sleeps in the guest room, I don't initiate any affection that he has to respond to, I'm doing really well at not LB.

Sorry if this is not making sense, but I just got off the phone with him and he was spewing hate and anger and telling me that it is all my fault (I'm not even sure what "it" is anymore...his feelings, our marriage???).

Your advice, and prayers, are welcome

Sue (44)
Him, had EA, ended 01/05
married 25 years

Dear Sue,
Could it be that he is in an affair again? Just wondering if there are any signs.
If I didn't want a divorce, I definately would say so.

I am 99% positive that there has been no further contact, but what we did find out about a month ago is that she left her husband, and my husband has admitted that he is tempted to call her to see how she is.

Maybe he is on the fence, and so angry, because he really is at decision time? He needs to choose between me and her (or his thoughts of her) and he is struggling with that?? I am so fearful right now, but trying to show a brave, non-LB front.

If he is so far gone, can he really fall in love with me again? If so, how does he do that? He doesn't want counseling, doesn't want to spend time with me, mostly seems like he can barely be around me. Have any of you out there felt this way about your spouse...but you are now in love again? How did you do that??

Sue

How are you 99% sure, it sounds to me that the A is on again b/c he is talking the script of a WS and doesn't soung like someone who is on the fence.

Well, I still check his cell phone and email, and there has been no contact via that method (but he could just delete anything he doesn't want me to see, or he could have another email account I don't know about.

Other than that, I don't know how else to check. Call her? Talk to his boss at work (he doesn't use the computer at home, just at work). I have asked him if he has been in contact, and he says no, just that he is tempted to do so.

I really do feel like we are at a turning point, meaning that either he will decide to stay, or that he needs to leave. Last night he came and prayed with me (we are trying to do this at 9 PM each night, and today he is telling me he wants to leave. And I'm barely holding onto my sanity today!

If you have any suggestions about how to find out if he is still in contact, then I would appreciate them.

Sue