I found this on another forum. Since shyness is something that I (and a lot of people) deal with, I thought I would throw this out for discussion. The person who wrote this, I think is spot on. What do you think?

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Shyness is about one thing...lacking confidence in how you relate to the opposite sex. Being a little shy is normal at first. It is a little ennerving to have to approach someone new and naturally we want to impress them and ellicit their interest.

Shyness however, becomes a liability if it is a way of life. Being afraid to approach people and being afraid to ask for what you want, need and desire is not going to get your needs met and what you usually end up with is someone who decides to face the fear and do it anyway or someone who caves in and plays the victim saying that they just don't get the breaks in life.

Show me someone who got something they needed/wanted and I'll show you someone who made clear what it is they wanted/needed...it takes words to do that and it takes actions...we make it happen.

Some are so unwilling to put their desires forward (due to shyness controlling them) that they make everyone else pay for them not getting what they wanted in the first place, when the only person to blame for it is themselves.

I don't see shyness as a valuable trait. I see it as a character liability and there are a lot of reasons why a person is shy. Lacking in social skills... fear... insecurities... none of it good.

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How do you overcome shyness?

Negative! This is a case of what you don't know can hurt you. Shy people are naturally shy. Most were born that way and their mothers can tell you they were shy right from the start. There is nothing wrong with being shy, nothing whatsoever. It is not a disorder. This person is confusing shyness with social phobia, which is much different.

You do not "overcome" shyness, but only learn to deal with it.

I think if it's something you want to change, you can, just like you can change just about anything! It's up to you...is this bothersome to you? Is it affecting your life? If so, then determine how/who you want to be and take the steps to get there... I believe you can do/be anything you want to!
If it's not causing you any problems then don't mess with it, but if you want to be different, make the choice and choose to be different!

I agree with Check, I think the article is hogwash (then again, I am shy, so I am not unbiased).

I think that my shyness is simply a reflection of my introverted nature. I am not defective just because I tend to think and reflect before speaking. Sure, it makes me seem unfriendly, or "shy", but I would rather be that than the loudmouths I sometimes see mouthing off before thinking.

I used to feel guilty for being shy because my ex was a total social butterfly and used to make me feel bad for not being the same way. Now that I am divorced, I have come to accept and even like my shyness and introversion, and not feel defective for being that way.

In this country, it is very "hip" to be rowdy and loud, and uncool to be introverted and shy. But look at many other cultures, and you will find that the "people who get their way by not being shy" as described in this article would be considered extremely rude in those cultures. Many cultures see someone who is reserved and quiet as a sign of class, not defect.

Anyway, as you can tell, I do not buy into the argument that shyness = character liability.

AGG

I'm shy, too. I actually became more shy as I got older. I'm also an introvert (INTJ). They aren't the same thing. Just because I am shy doesn't mean that I'm unable to function n social situations. It is a bit stressful, but I do just fine. Most people would never know that I am shy. I know that no one will ever convince that I'm abnormal for being shy. I can find plenty of other things about me that are abnormal. LOL

An introvert is not someone who sits wuietly in the corner with no one to talk to. The best way to sum up the difference between and introvert and an extrovert is something I read years ago: An introvert thinks before he speaks, while an extrovert speaks before he thinks.

Oh and I should add that I am very successful and quite good at public speaking. I have to give presenations to large groups and it doesn't bother me a bit. One-on-one with someone I'm attracted to does make me blush a bit.

Shy is such a vague word <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. I'm shy in some situations, but not others. I've learned to overcome it in some ways, and not others. Like your quoted thing said, I don't want to miss out on certain things in life by sitting back scared to say or do something. Usually my "shyness" occurs when someone else is handling the communication just fine, and either I don't have anything to add, there's no room for me to add anything, or I need time to think first. Fear of being wrong, or embarassment will also overtake me, and I will refuse to call someone, go somewhere, or say something. I am more comfortable on e-mail, because I have time to think about what to say. Sometimes my first dates dont go well, because of this. If the guy is good at making me feel comfortable (and I know I have to try to take responsibility and do my best to relax and go with the flow), then I am better at opening up, being myself, and communicating more freely. Sometimes, I like the guy so much, it gets in the way and I clam up. Then... he thinks I can't carry on a decent conversation. LOL

So... shyness can be different things... and yes, can be a hindrance. One example of how I'm NOT shy is the way I contacted the guy I'm seeing now. We are hitting it off VERY well, and I'm excited to see where things go. I saw him viewing my profile twice over a couple of weeks, and he didn't wink or send a message. I liked his profile and sent a sassy message. That's not shy at all. LOL and it got his attention. On our first date, I could hardly look at him because he was so cute. But our conversation was great anyway, because we felt comfortable.

How are you shy? When? What situations?

More important to me in terms of social interaction is that there are two things I simply cannot abide: loud noises and crowds. I positively hate them and avoid them whenever possible. NowI live in a city with a reputation as a "party town." Everywhere you go is crowded and usually somewhat rowdy. Moreover, all the trendy new restaruants, clubs and bars are deliberately designed to be loud to add to the party atmosphere. Walking into a bar or restaurant with 300 lugubrious people's voices bouncing off every surface at at 120 dB actually makes me disoriented and dizzy. It's anything but a pleasant experience. This is one of the times that I become very shy. All I want to do is get out of the place as quickly as possible. Also, in such places, I really don't like strangers coming into my personal space. In a crowded bar or restaruant, several people are in your space at once. This makes me very uncomfortable and I tend to clam up. But I wasn't this way 25 years ago; then I enjoyed rowdy crowds. So it may be more a function of age than anything else.

Actually, if you were to ask people who know me if I were shy, they would probably say that I'm not. My natural tendency is towards shyness, but I've worked on it just because to get ahead in business, is much easier when you aren't shy.

Right now, I would have to say that my biggest area of shyness is in approaching and striking up conversations with women/people I don't know. I have no problem with eye contact and even saying hello, but to actually initiate a conversation is very hard for me. And to be honest, before last month, I had never asked a woman for her telephone number. Huge, huge hurdle for me.

I've never been very shy.

One of the things I did a lot when I was single was when I went to a bar I would pick out the prettiest lady in there and I would go talk/flirt with her.

That is how I met my wife.

OTOH I can be a bit of an introvert. I have no problems being by myself and find my energy in solitude.

Looking back I've always gone for my extroverted women. It's just easier for me to talk to I guess. I'm always considered the quiet one unless I'm around a small group (3-4 people) or friends that I know. I have a hard time opening up and letting people know who I really am. I usually just try to blend in with everyone else.

I have insecurities which doesn't help and it's something I have to get over. In the past I've rarely asked a girl out unless I knew that they would say yes. I guess I've never been rejected, but I know I need to get myself out there more. I'm having trouble trying to envison myself asking someone out just because I fear rejection.

Well then, based on the situations you describe, which I can relate to, here's what I find helpful.

My mindset makes a big difference. When I am most fearful of striking up a conversation, is when I don't know what to say, am scared of saying something stupid, or if I feel intimated by the person (if I somehow feel less important, less attractive, less "powerful", inadequate, or otherwise inferior). It helps me to think of the other person as an equal human being... someone who seeks love and acceptance just like everyone, and they are probably feeling just as awkward and inferior as me. Sometimes I think of them as a good ole friend, and relax and strike up a conversation. Sometimes if I think of them as *needing* someone to say something nice or positive, that helps too. Maybe noone has said anything nice to them ALL day. Perhaps I can be a blessing to them, just by acknowledging them, saying something nice, asking about their day, making a joke, or anything else.

As far as "what to say", it seems trite, but the weather can really be just something to talk about. Or whatever it is around you that you can comment on (the traffic coming in, the noisy kids down the street, the cute dog over by the bench, etc.) Ask them how their day was. Did they have a good day at work... did they have any big fires to put out... is your office down on 2nd ave or over on 4th St? try to be specific in your questions so they can't answer "fine" or "yes, you?"

As far as dating goes, I can't walk up to a guy and start a conversation. I don't know how you guys do it. (I'm shy AND more traditional and would much rather the guy take the initiative). Online, it's pretty easy for me to start up a conversation over e-mail. Seems like you can do the same thing in person.... make the same observations... ask the same types of questions.

As far as asking for a phone number after the conversation as gone well, GO FOR IT. I know I prefer for the guy to be bold and take the lead. If I'm not interested, I'll let you know. But I can't stand wishy-washy guys that won't take the lead and won't make decisions. The worst that can happen is she'll say no, or maybe laugh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> But I doubt it, and you'll get over it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I am not in the least bit shy acting or sounding in MOST situations - but when it comes to talking to a guy I really like or that I'm just meeting or getting to know, I have a great deal of difficulty. My vocabulary (normally above average/post-college level) deserts me, I tend to stutter some, and my thoughts will not coalesce like usual. I don't have the witty repartee available at ALL in those cases. I do feel that overall, I am a very shy person, but that since my ex left, I learned to overcome a lot of that. The problem seems only to come back when I'm trying to make a good impression on someone I find attractive.

I think defining shyness as a crippling disorder is silly - unless the shy person has allowed it to become that.

Personally, I find slightly shy men to be very attractive ... and some of them, in the past at least, have found me to be so also.

Be careful though, guys... I have it on good authority that women the world over are being taught that a shy guy is "just not into" them... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

CS

I used to be very shy and I still am somewhat shy but as I give up my need for female approval and learn to accept and love myself as I am, I find that the shyness goes down.

Often shy guys also have a serious case of Nice Guy Syndrome. This almost always leads to the infamous "let's be friends" talk from a female. Since most men who suffer from this Syndrome could not be a bad boy if they tried, it is often good to take on a rather cocky manner, which compensates for a mild case of NiceGuy Syndrome. That puts him firmly in the middle area between being a jerk and being a doormat, and causes him to come across as more confident. And, as we all know, confidence is very attractive. That combined with a bit of native shyness seems to be a good combination.

Hi there BigGuy, I've written something on the thread about the opposite of shyness.

I'd be interested to see what you think of it.

My intention is not to be insulting but just to say shyness is not just about insecurities.

And, a wink to you BG hoping you have dating plans for the weekend ahead.