We are about 3 weeks into recovery from my husband's short-term affair. He has agreed to work on the marriage and also agreed to NC.
The problem is that he says he is working on the marriage but hasnt/wont really actively try to do anything. I keep brining up suggestions like sharing what our needs our and trying to figure out how to fullfil the needs together. But each time I make a suggestion he says Im pushing him and that Im not giving it enough time. He is also suffering with depression. ( I feel this led to the affair). He did start taking meds. And has been on them now for 2 weeks.
My question is...should I back off and let the meds take full affect first and then work out a solution. Or should I keep trying and when he withdraws from me let him know thats hurting me?? Should I just be satisfied that for now he is here and taking meds and having no contact?? Is it wrong of me to want more from him?? I feel so alone. Like im the only one in this marriage.
Please help.

sgshep,

Congratulations for getting a lot out of your WH so early. Did he send a witnessed NC letter? If he did, back off. Let him start the R talk. He must believe that whatever happens with your M it is because HE wanted it, not because you buffaloed him into any part of it.

The meds can take up to 4 weeks to reach their effectiveness but it can take a LOT longer if dosages need to be modified.

Yes..... I think you would be rushing him. That he is on medications would indicate needing some time. By taking the meds and continueing NC, his actions show that he is working towards a better future.

The other thing to worry about is to nag nag nag until he builds up resentment and no longer wants to try... Take it slow, it's all new... Ohhhhh and keep posting and getting abvise.

SQ,

He may be going through withdrawal from OW which is like the crack addict going cold turkey. Which will make him depressed and grumpy.

Or the contact may still be happening and the A may be continuing....we hope that is not the case.

Too much "FIXING IT" suggestions right now may be irritating the heck out of him.

Three weeks is just a blink of the eye as far as the recovery goes.

Be the best wife you can be right now. Plan A like he is still in the A. It will lesson his withdrawal if you are meeting all his ENs to the max and filling his love bank to overflowing.

I realize your desire to fix it..but I would wait until he wants to. If he is totally remorseful and sincerely sorry for the A and wants to recover and rebuild the M, he will/shall be bending over backwards to do the fixing.

I would pick withdrawal from OW is the reason. Plus he needs to come to grips with what he has done to you and the M. He is still in the fog.

I would give him some time to grieve, withdraw, and come out of the fog all the while being as loving and supportive as you can....even though it KILLS YOU!!!

k

You must continue to monitor for contact. On the recovery board you indicated contact was made recently after he had committed to NC. Despite what WH says keep monitoring for contact until you are certain. When will you be certain? When WH is completely on-board with recovery and ready to accept resposiblity for his actions, openly and honestly. That will happen way down the line in recovery.

Right now you are still in competition with the affair. Your WH is trapped. Unsure of where he wants to be. No offense, but he probably really enjoyed himself in the affair. Who wouldn't. Once you cross that line all you end up with is pleasure and having all your needs met. It's a fantasy relationship and not real feelings but your WH won't come to realize that for quite some time. If you try to force things now you are only feeding into his rationalizations for undertaking the affair in the first place as he is too fogged out to get it.

Keep utilizing Plan A. Read the 180 plan and throw that in also (searh the Board). You need to make yourself more fun, more attractive (not just physically) than the affair. Make plans with friends and invite him along. If he won't go, go yourself. You need to grow regardless of this relationship with WH. Just do it. Take care of yourself. Get a tan, get your hair done, a new outfit, etc.

Another suggestion. Date your husband again. As long as there are no substance abuse problems then be like Bluto in Animal House, "Toga...Toga..Toga". Meaning if the marriage feels like it's falling apart and everybody is down, then (figuratively) throw a toga party. Just find a way to enjoy the time you have remaining together. Try to party with your husband like it's 1999. Make the focus "fun" instead of "marriage". Besides, nothing like a few drinks to loosen his lips and get at his true feelings without him feeling pressured or coerced.

While WH sulks in withdrawal, you can't really work on the marriage unless at his discretion. You can only listen, then listen some more. Make is a safe place for him to communicate without demands or pressure to change. As stated, you can only focus on you, improving yourself for yourself and him if he wants it. Become the wife you'd always dreamed you would be. He will eventually notice and choose to step out of the affair/withdrawal.

BTW - if he's still in contact - that's another matter to be dealt with separately once confirmed.

ACT - (sorry I kind of went all over with this post - I got interrupted several times)

The Harley's say it is completely normal for the WS to not be actively working on the marriage this soon after D-day. Luckily your husband is taking meds. With me, they worked on the 22nd day. I woke up and felt great. Let's hope it happens for your husband too.

In the meantime, try to be supportive without smothering him.