Once n/c is established and the fog is gone do you still look at the ow/om with fondness, care, the good times you had together, think about the intimate moments?

Or is there a time when you see them as another ws and sort of dislike them because they could have ruined your marriage?

Is there ever a time when you look at this person and not see them how you saw them when the A was going on?

For me, I know that once my H filed for D ... my "2x4" ... and I started reading all of the MB books, I started seeing the OM in a completely different light. I wonder what the heck I was thinking and what I ever saw in this guy. I may have had problems with my H before the A, but I had a really good man. The OM ... not even a fraction of the man my H is.

Maggie...

My H and I were just dicussing that very same thing today...My OM was someone that I have known since childhood, so I suppose I am kind of indifferent...I don't wish him any harm, I hope his life goes well, but I don't need to know how he's doing either...If he were to be say, in front of a firing squad I wouldn't yell fire, but I wouldn't jump in front of a bullet to save him either...he just exists I suppose. I don't hate him, because if I did I would have to hate me too...I chose my own behavior...he did not control my actions...saying that he was a predator or that he some- how seduced or coerced me would be just another rationalization or justification...I must accept blame for my poor choices in life, just as I will accept credit for the good ones...I think that is the healthiest way to go.

As far as memories of him and my affair go, I guess that's where it gets sticky...

I am racked with regret about my actions and all the hurt and pain they caused for my H. The thought of my coming close to destroying my family horrifies me to the point that I literally shudder when I think about it...I get tearful when the phrase "keeping myself only unto you" passes through my thoughts...and I feel shame for breaking not only my marital vows to my H, but also my convenant with God.

On the flip side of things for me is that at the time that my A began, I was so deeply depressed that I was past just having thoughts of suicide...I had actually come up with a plan and was thinking of specifics about the execution of that plan...of course, I don't think that anyone is 100% sure of killing themselves until that moment of impulse...so I can't say with complete certainty that I definitely would have carried out my plans...and I want to be careful that I don't use that as a rationalization or justification for my A...I'm just telling you the circumstances of my life before the A...so, if I knew for sure that the A prevented my death, I would have to choose the A...otherwise I wouldn't be here to feel the joy of recovery with my amazing H, see my daughter grow up and just enjoy the privilege of life in general.

Also, though I have NO feelings of love for the OM today, when I look back at that time, the feelings that I experienced seemed very real to me. During the A I really thought I was in love with the OM, but now I've come to understand that I just loved, or was addicted to how he made me feel about myself. Something another WS once brought up also rings true for me, and that is that some of my ENs were being met by the OM, and it is just human for that to produce feelings of pleasure. I do not, however, look back on specifics at all now, especially not with longing...if anything, thinking of moments of "intimacy" (so fake-compared to what I have with my H now, btw) would give me a really sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...

Hope this makes sense or helps in some way...

Mrs. Wondering

*Edited to add...I definitely do NOT see the OM in the way that I saw him then...here's how I look at things...if I was single would he be who I would choose to be with? NO WAY!!!...for too many reasons list...YUCK!!!