My w/h and I have been doing well the past few days, we actually toured the new facility for my mil. I was so happy but my husband has dropped a new bomb on me. See, I live in a community state where if you divorce, everything is divided down the middle. My husband is now talking about moving to a state that is equitable division state, meaning not 50% down the middle, but can be given to the person who earned most of it. I have been a homemaker most of our married life, and just recently have started back to college to get my degree in business administration. Which I was going to use to help support my mother in law in the nice care facility. Now, I am thinking my husband wants to give up his excellent job he has held for 28 years and move there and divorce me, so that I cannot get the alimony I would have recieved here or the 401k or retirement or house. I am in a state of panic. I have to protect myself and my future. How do I approach this subject. I know he is doing this so that he won't have to split his income and all his retirement, stock, real estate, etc.with me. He has talked before about going to this state, but it was something we thought about doing after he retired. The way he is talking, he is thinking about doing this soon. He also has talked about giving up his secure job to go into his own business. I'll I can picture is him hiding money and divorcing me, where I can't find where he's hidden money in business. It's funny, when he was actively in his affair, he said I could have half of everything, and all of the house. He said money meant nothing. When we were actually talking about divorce though, I mentioned my divorce attorney said that because of how much he earned last year, I would get 2400.00 a month until I remarried or his retirement, and then I would get half of everything. He was totally shocked and said I would get everything. I feel like now, I can't trust him and his being nice to me. I will now question everything he does and wonder what else he has planned. This is a real LBer. Does anyone have any experience in equitable division state divorce laws??????? Am I going to be forced to file for divorce before he quits his job so I can secure my future???

Though I am an Attorney. I am not a Divorce Attorney. Thus anything I say I suggest you confirm with your attorney. I will be rather short because it's late and I've got to go to sleep. Pardon my typo's as I do not intend to edit.

I do live in an equitable division state (Michigan) and can tell you "equitable" means fair. You've been married to the man 28 years. Fair IS 1/2 of everything (retirement plans, IRA, 401ks, savings, investments, assets, cash, home, etc.) There is no way he can argue that any of your assets were premarital or separate so at least in Michigan and any equitable state I believe you'd get your half. You see community property states really shaft the wealthy spouse in a 2 or 3 year marriage. Unwealthy spouse gets 1/2 no matter what happened. Whereas in Michigan, pre-marital assets if maintained separately can be excluded from the marital estate. In a 28 year marriage, everything would be included in the marital estate. The only real problem I see is if your husband has or is about to inherit a sizable chunk of money and perhaps the Alimony formula's would not be as generous. Equitable division states may allow him to exclude inherited property from marital estate.

As far as hiding money goes. Your husband could dupe you where you are now without having to con you into moving to another state. Yes, a new company/business that he controls everything would allow for more skimming perhaps; however, you are about to get a business degree and presumably want to work. Can't you offer to handle the money. Maybe you've not done this much in your marriage but it's sure a nice time for you to learn. Offer it based on the premise that you need the opportunity to fend for yourself should he ever die especially leaving you with this business (instead of the investments you have now). If you already handle the finances, keep doing it, then how's he going to hide money.

As far as what your attorney said about alimony. Remember, he told you "till retirement". Well you could divorce your husband tomorrow and get an alimony set at $2,400.00. However, ask your attorney what happens if your husband were to retire early in April, 2006. I don't believe a divorce decree anywhere can obligate him to continue working nor choose where he works. He could retire early, petition to lower the alimony rate, start a business or take a cash job, whatever it takes to lower his alimony obligation. This is the area you might want to really check on. How solid can alimony be established in your state? What happens if he quits? Retires early? Start a business making no documented income?. In Michigan, you can always petition the court for an adjustment based upon unknown circumstances. Him getting fired/retiring would be just such a circumstance here. Also, the formula in your state (what your attorney based the $24,00 number on) may be more advantagous than the equitable state and may last longer there too.

It sounds like you guys always planned on moving there. If this was your dream also perhaps he is trying to lighten up and be a better husband. I hope so. It is important you are trying to protect your interests. Keep asking questions, seeking answers. Your marriage can not thrive with you insecurity and suspicion's. At some point I would encourage openness and honesty with your husband. You should be working these issues out with him (without reference to a divorce attorney).

You should also discuss this "business idea" very seriously with your husband. Any new business is very risky. I presume he's over 50 so there is no going back to lucrative corporate world at that age. Health insurance alone will kick your butts. If it happens, you may consider making him set some money aside in your name to insure he doesn't blow everything due to pridefull thinking the business will eventually make it. Insist the home is not mortgaged to the hilt (or at all) to support a risky venture. You want to insure financial security regardless of the business. Speaking of insurance, acquire disability and life insurance to protect you and the business should health or death befall him. If you are to co-sign any lease, loan, etc., use your degree and read it extensively. Tell him up front to let the other side know you will refuse to sign any personal guarantee and see if it can be negotiated out. (For example, I set up Limited Liability Company's and negotiated away signing personal guarantee's on our business leases by offering 6 months rent up front as a security deposit then we get one month free for 1st 5 years). In other words, you should become his business consultant, be creative, protect him and in the process, yourself. Neither of you are at the age to play risk with money.

I didn't notice in your post, but has an affair brought you here?. If so, was it him or you? That's more relevant to your "trust" questions whick I am not addressing. I'll click your name and check your prior posts, if any. Have a good night, I'll check back 2 morrow and help if I can and edit this chopped up bit of writing.

Mr. Wondering

I see the pains of betrayal are fresh. Big financial decisions are very difficult to make when such powerful emotions are prevalent. Process these decisions slowly.

Questions?

Where is OW? Is moving away going to get you away from OW? Isn't that a good jesture by WH?

Trust, I understand your trust issues more now (I concentrated on the legal issues without even looking at your signature and I had to post before going back). Please do not rely solely on my judgment here. Research more. Many attorney's will offer a free consultation. Search yellow pages in area you are thinking of moving, act like you live there and discuss your situation. Consult more with your attorney. Finally, talk to your husband about the seriousness of this bomb. If you can't talk to him now. Just tell him your not on board yet as you have barely processed the last month and ask him to be patient with you. This should not be a rash decision to "save the marriage" at the cost of your financial security. If the business idea is good, wait a year or two won't matter.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Thank you for replying.
Moving to this state is my husband's dream. He loves hunting, and living in the more rural areas. His best friend moved there years ago, and he goes hunting there every chance he can get.
This is not my dream, he is not moving to get away from other woman. He made a comment when I was telling him what my attorney said about alimony, and he was angry at the time and said that was ok, he was going to move to Oregon where they don't have community law. This was all said a few weeks ago when we were talking about divorcing. (this has changed now) Because he is still withdrawing from o/w, I don't know if he loves me or not. I very concerned he is doing this so if he decides to divorce me, he thinks he can retain more of the assests and limit the alimony. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm. I wouldn't get too worried about this right now. I thought your husband was very concerned about visiting his mother. How would he do that from Oregon??????

It sounds to me like he is more in withdrawal, or confused.

Watch for more contact.

I forgot to say, the facility we are planning on putting her in here, also has one in Oregon. He said he would just transfer his mom there.

Good Morning:

Thought about your situation overnight, talked with Mrs. Wondering and factored in the Affair.

Some thoughts:

If all your somewhat liquid current assets where "invested" into a business then getting a 50% settlement would be difficult. No cash to divide other than retirement savings. You wouldn't want an interest in his business as an ex-wife. So the property settlement itself (separate from alimony) may require payment over time (risky) versus you just getting your 1/2 and going on your way. Additionally, the FMV of a new business would be no where near the money you initially must put into it. The divorce may even stipulate to a book value. Thus your 1/2 of such value would be substantially less than the 1/2 you "hypothetically" put in.

2nd thought. Your husband's affair is a symtom of his greater unhappiness. His dissappointment with life in general. His dropping everything, quitting his job, moving to Oregon, starting a new business is a mid-life crisis kind of reaction to seeking happiness. It's not rational to make this kind of adjustment on short notice especially coming off an affair. It is again being inconsiderate of you and your feelings. But that's what affairs do. The demons necessarily get the host to become selfish takers. It becomes all about their needs, their desire and ultimately what they need to make themselves happy.

The affair may have also had an effect. OW, in general, have a way of making wayward spouse's young, vibrant, king of the world and all their endeavors. Your WH is delusional that undertaking to start a new venture in another state at his age will be easily done. You can bet OW supported his dream and now he expects you to do the same. They also may have dreamed together of just getting away someday. Now that affair is over he wants to live out the fantasy with him. Real life needs planning. He needs to come back to reality and stop trying to come up with quick fixes to his inherent unhappiness. Eventually, it needs to be about the both of you and the policy of joint agreement.

When do you finish your degree? Can't moving wait till then? Sure you could transfer; but, what a pain. When does he plan on quiting/moving? What is the business he wants to do? Is it a large cash investment to get started? Is is a cash business?

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

Actually, there is two different ideas he dropped. Not doing both. #1 idea: Stay here, quit his job, start asbestos abatement business. #2 idea. Move to Oregon, get job at another electric co. Both ideas are just that. Both convey to me, his desire to not have to pay as much out for divorce. #1 idea to me, says lets start a company and I can hide money, and make it appear I'm making far less than it appears.
#2 idea, because he would be moving to a equitable division state, pay less out for divorce.
And you are right about the fact that both he and other woman talked all about what mean old nasty wife has kept poor victimized husband from doing all the things in life that he has wanted. Translation: Midlife Crisis, all my fault. He followed the w/h script to a t. Saying that he hasn't loved me for years.
I will be finishing my degree in 12 months. I also will be working three days a week to help keep his mother in assisted living.
My husband does plan on waiting until I finish my degree. He plans on putting his mother in a facility close to our house, and he then plans on moving to Oregon and put her in the facility there.

heartbreak,

At least it appears you have some time. During this period of recovery try to make sure he maintains the status quo. Living out dreams, changing life's direction can wait till you graduate. That should give you plenty of time to develope and/or restore trust or not. You've obviously been covering your backside. Continue to take a snapshot of the finance's when statements arrive. Be watchful for any accumulation of cash. Is his paycheck direct deposit or does he get a paper check which he can partially deposit and accumulate cash? Perhaps limit his access to cash in an effort to earn trust. You are new to recovery so this can wait a little. But WH will be much less attractive to other women if he doesn't have the money to entertain them. Eventually, insist on being involved in the handling of marital money (i.e. - you handle the bills).

In the event a divorce happens you must lock up the money you have in dual signature joint accounts so he can't access them, quite his job and invest your liquidity into a risky business. In fact, you may want to do this to some of your accounts sooner as a condition in recovery. At least a few of the investment accounts.

Finally, continue MB principles and hopefully all these legal concerns will be mute. Recovered marriages with the knowledge of MB principles usually are better than any marriage known previously. I know mine is and I pray yours will also.

Dear Wonderings,
My husband's check is deposited directly into checking account. I have always paid all the bills throughout our marriage, so nothing has changed. My husband has always been very generous with me, allowing me to spend whatever I want or need. Its funny though, since all my world has come crashing down around my head I have not bought anything beyond food. All of the marriage difficulties put perspective on what is important in life. I know longer have any interest in buying new things or watching t.v. or other things I felt was so important prior to all of this. The most important thing in my life right now is healing our marriage. Thanks for the advice.