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It has been 6 days since contact. Not really by WH's choice. OW won't return his beeping her. Makes me feel great. WH got transferred a week 1/2 ago from his current location so he does not have a "need" to be in touch with OW through business purposes.....(management learned of OWH's visit to the workplace and knows about the A)
Does the WS really eventually "get over" the OP? WS said he still loves her & that he is fixated on her. I am finding it hard to keep at it & some days I don't even want to come home from work. Is it normal for the BS to go through phases where they simply don't have feelings for WS?
I told WS that I just didn't understand why he is still here. He said that he supposed he didn't really have anywhere to go and that he wanted to be near DS. I asked if it was easy imagining his life without me. He said no it wasn't, that he didn't "hate me". He still loves me. Sometimes he he staying with me b/c he thinks he wants to try to work through our M and other times he is there for selfish purposes(waiting til he has somewhere to go, possibly with OW????)
I had a gut feeling today that he had talked with OW, but he said that he hadn't. Later he did admit to trying to beep her during the early morning hours. That he was feeling so bad today that somebody he Loves doesn't have 5 seconds to call him back. All of his thoughts are still on her. Anything I say is answered back with something involving OW: I say " You are doing a good job of pushing me away." HE says: " OW is doing a good job of pushing me away."
He was depressed again Monday morning and since I had the day off we were able to do some things together --- we also enjoyed an overnight stay at my parents over the weekend and it was nice to be around family(at least for me it was!) Nicer to be away from the town we live in & get away from anything reminding me of the A.
We have discussed here on MB's thoughts on when it is really not the WS's choice to end contact, etc. I have always said that I am not second best, WS chose me first. OW is second. But I am having a hard time dealing with that right now.
Last night I went out after everyone was in bed....my intentions were to go to a local bar, but I ended up just driving around. I don't know what I was planning on doing there but I think I was looking for a friend....
What can a BS do during WD? I know I need to get out and keep myself busy, but between work, WS's crazy work schedule and taking care of Ds it seems there is no time.
Thanks for reading ....
Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
DS, age 5
married 13 years
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Joined: Jul 2004
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Alright Kimberly, right now stop the R talks. Can you get him to agree to MC? This is the time for you to be the lighthouse, to shine for him to find his way back to you in his heart. Withdrawl is ugly and recovery is difficult but you can do it. I really think though he needs to quit that job. YOu also need to spend time together to build those good feelings again. What can you do together?
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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We were in MC ----- started at the end of May or first of June. I went to the last one by myself(last Wednesday) as WH said he needed a break. I had told him a while back that I didn't know if we should be going until he was ready to stop the A and willing to work on the M. So for now we don't have any new appointments scheduled. Tonight he said that he didn't feel like they were doing any good.......
How am I to be a LightHouse? Especially when he continues to tell me he is in love still with OW?? I agree about quitting the job, he is working more on his off hours trying to develop his real estate business......I have sent out resume's for him too.
We have been trying to do some things together. His reply is "I have a good time with you."......(I feel like there is always a "but" to follow that "but, I am not In Love with you."
I can plan more things for us to do together. It's always me doing the inviting though..... Since DS was born I can count on one hand the times we have gotten a babysitter & gone out. Money's always an issue.
Thanks for your reply. I was reading some of the posts to TA. Do you feel like I need to take that route at this point?
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Posts: 11,539
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Kimberly, TA has been dealing with this for over a year. You are new to this and if the A is truly over your H is in withdrawl though each time he sees OW at work he starts back to day one of WD.
Spending time together even if for a picnic or a walk together builds good feelings. Harley recommends 15 hours per week. Look around for things in your community that are free like concerts in the park.
Stop expecting him to show love or fill your ENs right now. You have to put your taker away for now.
Let me see if I can find Ark's lighthouse thread. It may help you understand better.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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This is Ark's famous lighthouse post: Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Thanks Faith -
I printed out the lighthouse post and will carry it with me. It is so hard to put away my taker. I will lock it up in a closet right now. Is some of the Lighthouse post geared towards when OP & WS are still in contact?
WH does not see OW at the workplace at all. He is not physically located in an office that is 20 minutes away so that definitely helps. I don't 100% trust that she is not answering his beeps like he says though. He still longs to talk to her -----
Thanks again, I feel a little better this morning.....
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
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Yes, it is geared toward an active A but I wanted to give you a true example of putting your taker away and guiding your H home. Ark is a very wise woman. You may consider doing a call out to her. I think at this point if your gut says contact there likely is. It is a bumpy ride. Hang on.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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