Hello, I posted here yesterday and spent most of the day reading/learning on this site. I'm back today to share my progress or whatever-you-call-it from yesterday, and ask for your thoughs and/or suggestions on what I've done and my current way of thinking. For reference, original post is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=3#2800246

I got some ideas of how to handle things moving forward, in a non-"whoa is me/why is this happening?!" way and printed out the emotional needs questionnaire. I filled mine out and decided to leave it for H, with a note letting him know I love him and I've taken steps to learn more about both of our needs, that I've got one for him to fill out too, and that I'm going to make a point of talking with him more (one of my weaknesses is conversation) I'm not sure if leaving the questionnaire for him to review at this point was a good thing, but can it hurt?

He didn't say anything to me about it, but we only saw each other for a short time when he got home from day job & got ready for night job (wednesdays he works both) Tomorrow we're both off so I'm thinking maybe we can talk about it then, and I can bring up the poem/note I found - does that sound OK? I feel much more rational now than when I first got here yesterday, though I'm sure I'm still in for a rollercoaster.

Tonight he is at the job where this chick works, and while I trust he's doing his best to avoid her, he still has to have some contact and she is still harboring whatever feelings made her write it & give it to him. SO, I'm also planning on telling him to write a NC note which I will deliver to her there, at work, and then he's never to return. Again, does that sound right? Moving too fast here? He works there Wed, Fri & Sat evenings. Our financial situation is pretty tight right now, and losing the income will hurt, but our marriage is worth more than finances (the bills will get paid, somehow ) and not having contact with her is detrimental, right? Also I guess I need to see if he's willing to break contact - and if not, then I've got another issue on my hands.

So that's what I'm thinking. Please let me know your thoughts, if you think I'm on the right track, if I'm way off, or something in between. Since I'm putting all my business out there, I'll add that I seduced him this morning. A little shameful now, and it was a little awkward but it seemed like I was the only one who felt this way, based on all the reading & revelations yesterday, ya know? I felt the need to do it though - because I'm so desperate, because I want to "win", because I didn't know what else to offer, because he'll see her tonight, because I wanted him to feel the love between us. I didn't read anything that said I should be withholding, so was this "wrong"?

Lastly, where can I find "Plan A & Plan B"? Maybe I've read it but didn't realize that's what it was? I look forward to everyone's feedback, thank you in advance for all your help & support.

What you are planning is not out of line. You are trying to save your relationship with him and asking him to quit his job and have NC is the thing to do. If money is tight, so be it, you 2 will get by.

Make sure he completly understands you are doing this to save the marraige and that you love him. Then get a "pro-marraige" counselor.

Good bless and good luck.

I'm reading thru Plan A & Plan B now, and am starting to think maybe I'm not as ready as I thought. Maybe I should just spend some more time - the rest of the week maybe - making things extra friendly & comfortable? I don't think I'm in a position yet to offer more leisure time (kids, money) and I already know the main cause: emotional needs; I've been not meeting his for years - and he's told me for years - he's even told me that even though he wouldn't, he'd had thoughts of going elsewhere to get his needs met. All the warnings were there, not hidden, but I neglected them. Anyway, I know he needs to be away from her but I also need to be prepared and strong and informed and confident...what if he won't do it? Then I'm just in a rut again. So will it be more harmful to possibly screw it up by introducing NC tomorrow, or by letting him work w/her the next 3 days while making home the greatest place in the world? OH boy...

She's dangerous either way, right? Because even though it's not sexual (so he swears, and I am leaning toward believing) it's definitely emotional, and she wrote the note. So even if he's trying to distance himself, she's trying to move in, hence the note - right? So he must quit the job. Right??

Sometimes emotional is worse than sexual. What needs haven't you been meeting? Why?

You know, from childhood I've always been able to see exactly how a relationship/marriage SHOULDN'T be. How parents SHOULDN'T raise their kids, manage finances, talk to each other, etc. But I never learned how you SHOULD go about these things, and you know, be happy. So unfortunately without realizing it, I've become my parents - awful towards my husband. (I'm pretty great with the kids, FYI) For periods of weeks/months over a few years, I withheld sex - for no reason really, I've always been attracted to him, but I think part of me felt like I had to be in control, because if I'm not in control, meaning if I always "submit" to his needs, then I'm being a doormat just like I watched my mom be. He works hard, he comes home sore, he always wants his back rubbed. I NEVER offered to rub his back, in fact sometimes I'd get upset w/him for asking for it. He'd give me attitude and again it'd kick in - I'll be damned if he's telling me what to do, who does he think he is, my father? I'd get sad/hurt/angry/scared about things outside our marriage - work, money, the ex, kids, my family - and instead of sharing with him, I'd bottle it up as I didn't want him to A) be bothered with the stupidity I unfortunately had to put up with or B) judge me based on what my family/colleagues/friends are doing.

Messed up huh? I've really F****d him over for quite some time, and it's all making sense to me now and I seriously want to make ammends (though I've said this SEVERAL times - I don't think I've ever really known HOW to "fix" me). When he'd tell me he felt like even though he'd never do it, he wanted to go get sex elsewhere since he needs it & isn't getting it...I'd think to myself, "do it, a*****e, and I'll leave you so quick..." thinking that HE'D be wrong to do it!

I can see that you have lots of FOO issues. Why not start in Plan A, and honor your husband? Sex is a BIG thing to men. Check out the sex-starved husband thread on the emotional needs forum.

You probably need to get some counseling to help you. In the meantime, I would double up on the back rubs and sex. Plan A is also a good starting place. It is all about showing him what a GREAT wife you can be.

Your husband is extremely vulnerable to the attention from this woman right now. Hopefully you have caught it in time.

And yes, he does need to have no contact with her. That will probably mean quitting the job. He may not be willing to do that right now. I think I would put a HUGE effort into Plan A, and show him that you desire to change.

Well he's no longer sex-starved, in fact in the last few months I've stepped it up & now the tables are actually quite turned...I find it's me going to him for it now. Which is fine, because that's what he's always wanted and he doesn't reject me, but based on above mentioned "issues" it's still hard for me to accept.

YES - I'm trying to switch insurance again so I can get back to my therapist. For me. Maybe eventually him, but I'll be the first to admit it's ME who needs to get there - regularly.

So, believer (thanks, by the way, for sticking around & helping out!) you don't think all these attempts will be seen by him as desperate? He's not cold, but I can see him saying or thinking, "I can see right thru you Julie, too little too late..." Thinking about this makes me want to avoid the humiliation.

AND, should I still hold off on bringing up the note? Not relevant right now? What about the NC note - go for it tomorrow, so he never sees her (hopefully, heh) after tonight, or wait it out with sex & back rubs till after Saturday? Oy...

Yep, you need to see your therapist again. There should be nothing humiliating about wanting to preserve your marriage and family. You can get over that.

So you have a headstart on the sex thing, that is good. The other emotional needs are listed here. Check out the emotional needs questionnaire. Usually sex and ADMIRATION is pretty high up there for men. You can bet the other woman is admiring him.

The MB plan is to start in Plan A - fake it til you make it - showing him what an excellent wife you could be. It also involves no contact with the other person. I think I would double my efforts right now in Plan A.

Then you could bring up calmly that you are not comfortable with his working with the other woman, and see what his response is.

Also if your business is failing, might be time to chuck it and get a job.

OK...

I filled out the questionnaire, and left it for his review, along with a note explaining its purpose & my commitment to our marriage. Once we have a chance to talk, tomorrow so it seems, I'll go about getting his participation in the copy I printed out for him.

Admiration - you're right. He needs it/looks for it from me, and I often "space it out" as I'm caught up in 21 other things. I will write that on my hand so I don't forget it. It'll be a great companion to the sex & back rubs. Yes, she's admiring him, her whole poem was a tribute of sorts, and a "too bad you love her..." so I'm sure it was flattering at the very least, and good cause for him to go back for more doting - er, cut all ties.

While failure is something I never want to experience or admit, I can't take failing anymore as NOT being the bread winner feels terrible and the pressure it's added to our household is simply too much. I've begun interviewing, so I'm on that too. Haven't really shared this with him, as I don't want to get his hopes up for some release and end up not landing a job. But I plan to go back to work f/t, ASAP.

Plan A all the way. I think I'll go ahead and mention the note then, after all that's what REALLY woke me up this time, and then I'm being fully honest & he'll know I know, and be more likely to agree she's a danger to us.

Did I miss anything?

Well, depending on his state of mind, he may not agree that she is a danger to the two of you.

But it isn't going to make much difference if you confront him about the note or not. The main thing is to get your marriage back on track.

Right now continue the SF, and start throwing in lots of admiration. See how he responds.