I've been lurking here since January, and have thought about posting often, but just never did. Usually just reading all of your comments gives me the strength to keep moving forward.

I asked my husband to move out at Christmas after 13+ years of marriage and two children. He has had a gamboling and alcohol problem that I found about right before I found out I was pregnant with our first child. He said he would get help. I stayed. Every few years the cycle repeats, and we go to rehab and I stay. The last time I sat in a rehab facility I was two weeks from delivering our daughter. The councelor told me I had to decide what my bottom line was and stick to it. So, this time I did.

I found out he had run up over $11,000 in debt and I told him to go, and I filed right away to protect the kids and I from the debt. Well, then all turned ugly. I guess he thought I would take him back. I've called the police to my house, I've had friends come and get me when I have seen his car outside in the dark (the kids were at grandparents). And many of our parish/school friends think he is being treated unfairly, and I have had to just walk away from those people.

So, we can't come to an agreement. He wants money. He is waiting for me to pay off his debt. I don't have it. He sends me nasty letters, leaves voice mails at work that I send to my attorney. I have tried really hard to just ignore him when I so badly want to respond. The one time I let down and did, it just made it all worse.

But I never wanted this. I miss him. I want him to find a way to be the good person I know is in there somewhere. So I find myself a week away from my anniversary, sitting on my hands trying not to call him and ask how he is. I hate him most days, I hate how this is hurting our kids, but then I find myself wondering if he is okay. I don't know how to get through next week without thowing myself at him. I can't believe I am so lonely and desperate. I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to keep moving forward and not give in to those weak moments.

Sounds like your H has some real issues that have landed you in this spot. My concern though is that you will have to deal with the issues of your vows at some point if you proceed with the D. Specifically the for richer and poorer and in sickness and health vows. Dont know if you are a believer or not, but God hates D. Hates it. No two ways around it.
I believe that absent an A, your M is savable. If you and your H will employ the principles of MBing you can win this battle. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mom - sorry for the aside to WasCrushed for a moment -

WasCrushed - Addiction is a form of infidelity. He has turned his heart to a substance which has captivated his soul, every bit as much as another woman. And Harley himself says that Marriage Building is not possible while an addiction remains active.

Mom - you are doing the right thing by staying out of his life and letting him hit bottom.

Weak moments - anniversaries are tough, birthdays, holidays... but as a wife and daughter of addicts, I can tell you that once you really look at those experiences, they were colored by the addiction as well - outbursts of anger in moments of bliss, etc.

Focusing on your own recovery as an anon is the first step to getting through this - surrounding yourself with supportive people who love and care about you, immersing yourself in service to your children and others - all good ways to get through those tough times.

The one thing I've learned as a wife of an addict, is that I have no power to remove the addiction from his life and bring out the man of character that I fell in love with. This is a work for him to do with God, and God alone can save him.

I am Catholic so that makes this even harder. I meant every vow I took before God. But I don't believe God wants me to suffer this. I have taken it along time, and stood by him. He took off his ring before he ever moved out of the house, and I was crushed. I told my H about MB and he couldn't have been less interested. I feel now it is time to focus on my children and getting my self esteem back. Thank you.

KaylaAndy, thank you. It is good to hear from someone who has walked this road. I agree that the person I see now, is not the man I feel in love with. The last civil conversation we had, I told him that the person I married is not the person I see today. I don't know who he is now. Sometimes I see the recognition and pain of what he has done cross his face, and it is those moments when I want to go and make alright for him. So, now I will come here and find the strength to follow this path. I have read everything on MB and really believe what Harley has to say, and hope that someday, I will use it in a new healthy relationship. Thanks

Well, I feel like an idiot for ever feeling sorry for him or that our anniversary is next week. Everytime I start to cave, he reminds me why we are here. His attorney sent a settlement offer to my attorney, what a joke! Originally he wanted half the equity of the house, half my 401k and $750 in spousal support, of course I get the house, with two mortgages, a car payment and two kids in private school. So the latest offer is $21,000 in lieu of the house and my 401k and still the $750 spousal support. Also, on the days when he has the kids he will pick them up, but then I should come get them back because of all the driving he has to do. He moved across town, not me! I drive the kids to and from school, all of the after school activities and all of their social events. Not to mention that it is me who schedules and takes them to doctor appointments and takes the sick time off when they are ill. And he thinks his child support should be lowered by $10 a month because of how many overnights he has with them.

He is such a jerk! He keeps telling people how he is going to be divorced and debt free and I am going to be screwed. Yeah, and where will our children be, with the wife you tried to take to the cleaners. So not only have I paid for his gamboling debts over the years, but now he is looking for another hand out!

I guess I can only hope a judge will be more fare with me and the kids.