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Dear Bob,
What would you do when your spouse was missing the o/w?
My husband and I were talking about my mil moving to a new facility, when I mentioned the other facility knew Tina, the o/w because she worked at the facility before.
(We were in bed in the dark talking)
It became very quiet then, and I could hear my husband become stuffed up and start sniffing. (he was silently crying)
What did you do when Squid started missing the other man? Did you say anything, comfort her or just retreat like me?
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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Posts: 10,107
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KD
I held her and said "I am sorry you are sad. But neither of us will be sad for ever if we do the right things".
Comforting my wife as she grieved for the loss of another man is the hardest thing I ever did.
I am proud of my behaviour during that time as I look back now.
Do not try to teach hm about MB, or about withdrawal. It feels like his life is destined to be forever sad and heartbreaking to him right now.
Teh worst symptoms of withdrawal lasted about a month for Squid then she 'crashed' as she realised her affair was all rubbish.
Not a nice time, but necessary for recovery.
Detach as you are able or at least de personalise the situation. Do lots of fun family things and ask H along. if he's like Squid he will come along eventually.
Its a heartbreaking time KD, my toughts and prayers are with you.
MB Alumni
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Thanks so much for your wisdom Bob. Your advice is always appreciated.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
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KD
I held my baby as she quaked and sobbed over his wastrel and wondered what my life had become.
But folks on here gave me examples of how THEY had done the same things, had the same thoughts and emerged to have GOOD recoveries.
THEN Squid could care less for me and yearned for OM.
Now she adores me, respects me and regrets ever meeting OM.
Be strong, and compassionate but firm in your boundaries for NC and to be treated with respect.
MB Alumni
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[quote]KD
I held my baby as she quaked and sobbed over his wastrel and wondered what my life had become.
But folks on here gave me examples of how THEY had done the same things, had the same thoughts and emerged to have GOOD recoveries.
From your lips to god's ear.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,416
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Hi kd,
i've seen your name but i do not know too much about your story, so forgive me if this is an insensitive question.
When I read your post to bob, this was my thought...
How do you know he was crying because his was missing the OW? Is it possible he was crying because he was sad about the pain he has caused you two?
maybe something you should think about. did you ask him why he was crying or just assume that was the reason?
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FL
I asked Squid and she told me.
MB Alumni
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Bob, i know you did, i was just wondering if KD did too.
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No, I didn't ask him, but he was fine prior to that, and the last thing I said was that Tina (o/w) worked at both facilities. There was total silence after that conversation, and we had been talking for well over an hour in bed.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,416
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i just think it is possible that he could of been crying because of remorse not withdrawal.
they say a DJ is assuming what someone is thinking without asking them, right?
i just thought i would throw out the possiblity that you are incorrectly assuming what he is thinking.
your assumption could be completely correct, but then again it could be wrong.
kindest thing you can do is give him the opportunity to tell you by asking him and then asking him how you can help.
i am in awe of how well Bob seemed to have done this for Squid. but since you called him up to ask this question, i guess i figured you are another who is capable of giving that much of themselves to their spouse. and for that i applaude you.
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He is still so raw with emotion, I was too afraid to ask him and put him on the defense. He still is very sensitive to what I say and tends to read things into very innocent questions.
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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