I found out about my husbands A 3 weeks ago tomorrow. We've been married 6 years ...4 kids, 1 of them from a previous marriage of his (18 yrs) and we have a 4 y/o, 3 y/o and 14 month old.

WH is in an Executive MBA program and that is where he met the OW. It's a very intensive 2 year program where there is only 27 people in the entire graduation class. On top of working his 50-60 hr. week job, with this degree, he is required to be at the school every other weekend from Friday morning until Sat. afternoon...yes, OVERNIGHT! This is where the A happened. It's an $80,000 degree which his company is paying for.

Dday was Aug 12. I found an e-mail from the OW saying she loved him. I confronted him and he admitted the A going on for 7 months. It was both an EA and a PA. Since then, he has given me his cell phone password, school e-mail password and has told me he will not contact her again. She did e-mail him two days after he called her and told him to "Leave" (don't know if she meant me or school?). He forwarded that e-mail to me. He says he hasn't contacted her or she him since then, although she did send me a nasty-gram saying I could "have him" and then went on to berate me and him and how we could have each other. Followed by an apology for hurting me family. Talk about passive agressive.

We have been to MC 3 times together so far and each time, we come out with a better understanding of each other...that's the good side. We were even in a group session where he admitted to everyone there that he had an A. WH tells me he loves me, will do anything to make this marriage the best it can be, says he is so sorry, he feels like crap, he made a huge mistake...on and on.

Here's the part that makes me afraid...WH called the OW after I found out about the A and told her it was over. No NC letter has been written and here is why...

Dh has 8 months of this degree left. He did go to the administration of the school and asked to take a year leave from the program so he wouldn't have to be in school with the OW. He even told them why he needed the leave. However, they denied it and said he could take 8 weeks off the beginning of the fall semester to work through issues but then he would have to return and finish with his class...that or quit. If he quits, we owe his place of business $40,000 and the possibility of him losing his job do to his actions.

We've both decided he is going back to school. He has promised me that he is NOT going to stay overnights there anymore. He has talked to the admins. about that and they are okay with it. He promises me he will not have any contact with the OW other than need be for school related issues..he is making sure he is not in any school project groups with her.

I'm afraid. He is saying all the right things, doing all the right things, but how am I supposed to start recovery while he is going to be "seeing" her for the next 8 months?

Financially, we can't afford $40,000 AND for him to lose his job.

I love my husband. I know good people make bad choices. I know I wasn't listening to his EN and that partially led to this...I'm working on that. We have actually been closer to each other in the past 3 weeks than we have been since he started this degree over a year ago.

Is there hope? Am I fooling myself into believing we can get through this schooling and make it a better marriage?

BTW, after talkign to out MC (who I absolutely LOVE), she agrees WH needs to finish school too. Am I just being a fool?

Sorry for the rambling. I'm still so very hurt about this. I love my husband and I want our marriage to work and I want it to be stronger. I just can't seem to get over the thoughts in my head.

I feel your pain. I really do. I guess I am having a problem understanding why the school won't allow your husband to take time off and go into the next cohort. I am in a cohort doctoral program, and that happens all the time. Are you SURE that the program has declined the request (I think I would double check)?

I agree with Atlast. The administration should certainly be able to adjust their rules/policies. Husband either spoke with a single unsympathetic person or he just didn't appear desparate enough for some official to do some paperwork. You should set up an appointment with someone higher up in the school on your own to insist on a change. Bring the book, "Surviving an Affair" with you for reference. There has to be a way to address this.

On the other hand, I believe maybe your WH foolishly believes he can handle it himself. It sounds unlikely that he wants contact, so maybe he merely doesn't want OW to think she bested him by making him leave their class. You can bet everyone in the class knows about the affair and your husband may fear the perception that his "controlling wife" made him drop out or move to another class. He doesn't want to appear the "whimp". Another thought, maybe he fears and wants to be there to oppose/contradict anything OW may be telling "his" class about him.

He sounds like he's doing and saying the right stuff but he's still a fresh WS. Inspect what you expect. Call the school yourself.

Got an idea. If you're curious/suspicious as to what he's thinking. Indicate you may consider letting him continue in the class, as it appears he must, if he does one of the following: Wears a wire which either records or transmits by cell phone everything he does from the time he enters the school until home. You could use your unlimited cell to cell service and just leave the line open or perhaps carry a voice activated digital recorder with time stamp at school. Anytime you could check in and listen or listen to a recording of his activities. Awefully boring in practice, but if he doesn't brainstorm or at least consider how this idea could work and is wholeheartly against it I'd be more a lot more curious of his intentions.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - a good line to say to WS's that want to do things their way, cause "they can handle it", is to the effect:

"Honey, I am trying to rebuild my trust of you, however, Mr. Harley has counsel 1000's of couples and he insists that NC means no contact whatsoever, forever. I have to trust that he knows a lot more about affairs and rebuilding marriages than you and I. So I must again insist that NC is non-negotiable. Let's find a way together to make NC work for us"

My FWH really thought he could handle some contact with the OW and after their affair abruptly ended and he moved back home we said "Yes he must look for another job, but we can't afford for him to JUST QUIT." So they kept working together. What a mistake.
3 Months later, business trip, she's pregnant. Most likely his. She delivered last month. Take NC seriously!!!