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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 30
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 30 |
Is it normal not to be in love with my WW 4 months after the D-day?
She seems trying hard to recover but I don't know.
BH-me-31
WW-28
M:2,5
before M:1
no kids
D-day:May-2005
Recovery:?
johnalone@mail.com
English is not my mother tongue
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Quite normal. You are probably still in a state of shock from the betrayal. That close to D-day, I not only didn't love my WH, I hated him.
Keep reading and posting. You'll get through this.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
If I had my way ...I would ban the words LOVE from all BS lips for one year at the point of RECOVERY....
that word is so twisted in action in an affair..
that it is my opinion that it should not be spoken..
but watched for in action
and acted on in action...
love shmove....
ARK
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Agree Ark
the word "love" is oft misused when the word "desire" would be more appropriate ... and even worse when the word "need" would best fit the reality
I "desire" you
or
I "need" you
are both self-serving statements .... and that is not necessarily bad if used in an honest way ...
whereas
I "love" you
is offering oneself to meet the needs of the other
To say "I love you ... why won't you do this for me" is a misuse of the word "love"
more appropriate is
"I love you, therefore I willingly meet your legitimate & healthy needs and choose to do what is best for you overall."
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 30
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 30 |
I don't meet her ENs for the moment. I'm emotionally drained. That's why I've used the word "love". I don't do anything for her.
BH-me-31
WW-28
M:2,5
before M:1
no kids
D-day:May-2005
Recovery:?
johnalone@mail.com
English is not my mother tongue
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 396
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 396 |
There have been only a few times where I have had to force myself to be beside Undo because of disgust. It happened a few days ago while we were watching a movie and I touched her legs (I like them very much) and thought how the OM also touched them. This made me sick because these were no longer "my legs"... they were his too at one time.
I don't imagine that this fall into the "I don't love you anymore", but I think it is something similar to your experience.
Hopeful4future
The character of a person is defined by their actions...not their intentions. Otherwise, the world would be full of Saints.
BS: 40 (Me)
xFWW: 50
Married: 9/97
PA: 3 months
D-Day: 6/30/2005 (she revealed to me)
Divorced: 10/2/2008
Happy that I've moved on
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380 |
Hi john,
Yes it is normal to feel the way you do.You have been through a terrible ordeal.When I found out and a few weeks had passed,I just could not bring myself to say "I love you".It just wasn't there,I didn't feel it.It was obvious to me that a bunch of walls had gone up around my heart and I was protecting myself.
Try not to worry about that aspect just yet ok? It is common to be ambivalent about your emotions(read: rollercoaster) for some time.Just because the "in love" feelings aren't there now doesn't mean they won't ever be again.Your WW will have a lot of work to do(as will you) to make you feel good about your marriage and about her again.
O
BW(me)40
DDay 10/11/03
Divorcing
'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1
~Let Higher Minds Prevail~
---------------
~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 54
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 54 |
Wow, pepper! Your post, for me, was eye opening.
john, I hope you relfect on pepper's words.
Love IS such a "thrown around" word. You hear it everywhere - "Oh I love this, oh I love that." It takes alot of soul searching when in this situation to figure out if it is love or desire or need.
Happy trails on your journey finding out!
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa
WB/FH (me): 30
FW: 30
Met: 13-Feb-92
A: Oct-95 to Dec-95
Married: 25-Jul-98
Separated: 30-Apr-05
D-Day: Dec-95 (half truth), 30-Apr-05 (entire truth)
Children: DD11, DS5, DS3
W served with D papers 2-Jan-07
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