My spouse and I had poja'ed and come to an agreement that we both agreed on. Two weeks later he has come back to me and said that he has prayed about it and does not agree. How do you handle this?

It might help if I explained a little. His affair was with a woman we went to church with. Big church, small town. Everyone knew. He played the drums for this church. We did not leave the church until 7 months after he told me. She was still there so there was still contact.

This same group of people has asked him to participate in a night of worship and wants him to play the drums. The OW is not a part of it. It will involve him giving up about 6 weeks of weekends to practice. The practice and the big night will take place within a few miles of the OW's home and a few miles from the same church that we attended. She is still there.

We poja'ed and agreed that it would not be good for our recovery or marriage. Now he has said he wants to do it but will not if I do not want him to. How do I handle this? I thought we had already agreed. I do not want him to make this decision based on the fact that I do not want him to do it.

HELP!!!!

Hi LU,

IMO,if you POJA'd this issue then you stick to it.Plain and simple.Once you start changing the rules then you are in trouble.The church should understand how much your marriage means and that you are protecting it by making decisions that you both agree upon.

You should expect your FWH to adhere to these decisions just like you should.Interestingly,I would like to know why he changed his mind too.

O

It's tough, because now he's set you up - if you don't go along with his POV, you're defying God. OW tried that one on me. I told her we'd have to let God personally sort it out when we got on the other side, and met before Him. You can't do that with your husband.

However, you can ask that you receive a confirmation from God, as it was sin that separated you from that congregation, and the "sin" is still there and he will be driving through that neighborhood for 6 weeks, past the house of sin every night for practice.

So tell him that for you to change your position on POJA, it will take an act of God - so he must pray alone, and pray with you, and you must pray. My religious training taught me that I will feel a sense of peace and warmth in my heart if the decision is right. But I will feel turmoil and distress and chaos if the decision is wrong. And I would POJA that.

This group that is putting on the worship night does not have anything to do with the church that we went to. We no longer go to that church. Alot of the people participating does still go.

He loves to play the drums. It is his calling. He does not know how to say no. Even if saying yes hurts me or our family.

I agree with you. Once the decision is made you can not go back and change the rules. It is about boundaries right?

KaylaAndy,

I hate the position he has put me in. We walked out of the first meeting about this and we both had a bad feeling about it. We have both already prayed about. After awhile all of this gets very tiresome. Church and God and all that I beleive in has been put to the test in God's house.

Just a reminder too:

Sometimes a personal decision will be made,with God involved or not,that will not exactly please the other.But if you care about one another and the marriage then you do have to stick to the guidelines that you are now following such a horrific crisis(A).

This whole suggestion is linked to your past and the A.And,am I correct in assuming that you no longer attend this church? What if the OW were to show up at this session or sessions of worship? What then? Are you guaranteed that she would not be there?

O

Lifted,

POJA doesn't mean that once it is said that it is written in stone, but it does mean that both people need to agree with any changes.

This is the part where you would say, "I'm not enthusiastic about this decision. Can we negotiate?"

Basically, what I'm asking you is if you disapprove of him playing the drums EVER or if you disapprove of where he is playing and the people that would be involved. If the people don't bother you then would it be an option for you to be involved and to be present? That would be one way that you could remain secure about his actions and whereabouts while spending time with him. Since the OW is not involved then NC would remain in affect and you two might be able to turn this event into something postive.

Just a thought

"I do not want him to make this decision based on the fact that I do not want him to do it."

Oh yes you do. You want him to be thoughtful and that's being thoughtful.

I think the idea is that, if you try an agreement and it doesn't work for one, then you discuss it again. He did that. You still are of the opinion that you are not enthusiastic and that's OK, too.

Cherished

PS Using God to justify thoughtless decisions is very compelling, but it is still a thoughtless decision, just like having an affair was.

Hopeful4future,

I do not disapprove of him playing the drums. As a matter of fact we have joined a new church and he is playing there.
I love to hear him play. The Lord gave him a gift and he should share that gift.

It is the people and why they are doing it and how. It is in a small town about 25 miles from where we live. The OW lives 2 miles from there. Why does he need to be there? Why put your self in that position? We have moved on and put that life behind us.

If it were in our community maybe I would feel better about it. Also I will not be involved other than showing up for the main event. This will take away alot of time from us as a couple and as a family.

Cherished,

I do not understand your post. Help me to understand.

I would also just like to point out( I'm wordy today I guess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) that if you as a couple,continually revisit an already agreed upon POJA issue,then that could lead to resentment,IMO.

I agree with cherished? that if you feel a real need to go back and discuss an issue again that means a lot to one person,then fine,be respectful about it.But,if you second guess yourself and especially first impressions about your *feelings about a certain subject,then the lines start getting blurry about what the main goal is: to keep yourselves and your marriage comfortable with ALL decisions you make henceforth.

You do need to keep your boundaries.If you keep going back and suggesting that "Well,maybe I was wrong to say no" or "Maybe I should be more flexible and I don't want my S to be mad at me" etc etc,you start on that slippery slope of losing those boundaries.It's allowing other's to sway you onto a path that is not healthy or comfortable.And who are the ones that could do that most to us? Our spouses.Maybe not intentionally or maybe very intentionally.

But YOU have to stick with what YOU feel good about.Don't change your mind to be accepted by other's more.If your FWH really cares about and respects your feelings and opinions,he will not try to force upon you a decision that only he feels good about for whatever reason.

Again,sometimes it's just being a strong person and accepting that you may not be able to do X if your spouse isn't comfortable with it.Ultimately,isn't that a selfless act of love toward your loved one(S)? Dealing with a bit of discomfort so that your spouse can feel good, not really BAD as in the choice to cheat? It's the opposite effect.

O