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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 270
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 270 |
I've been ranting, raving, and self-medicating a bit here recently and enjoy sharing experiences with others so that maybe they'll have a smoother road to recovery and make fewer mistakes than I did.
My wife had an EA that went PA (that's when I finally exposed), and it was only 6 weeks later that I came to MB. I never told the OMW, now I wonder if it's appropriate to get everyone going again this far into the game (2 months NC).
I know, yes, I would want to know if I were her, so don't ask me that. It's just that my W and I are doing really well now and the OMW knew something was going on. Another twist: OM is a convicted felon (assault/battery) who did 5 years in the state pen, so I'm a bit concerned about getting him going again.
{God, the criminal part is the hardest to deal with. My W is a college educated stay at home mom who doesn't smoke, drink, never touched drugs, and has never been in trouble. They sure know how to pick them...}
So...is it worth the potential hornet's nest or do I just need to swallow my thirst for some sort of revenge on him? If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'm sure they're around here somewhere.
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748 |
mflake,
You are in recovery, just 2 months after NC has been established. Like all important decisions, this should be POJA'd with your wife.
Me BS 44 XH 45 M 20 years D19 D12 DDay 11.29.04 Separated 12.29.04 Plan A 24.02.05 Plan B 10.9.05 Plan D 2.2.06 Divorce 13.6.06 OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo) OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it. Redhat
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
mflake, I wouldn't do it for the purpose of revenge, I would do it for compassionate reasons. The woman needs to know what has happened in her own life so she can protect herself from her sleazy H and your W. She needs to know so she can have the same opportunity to work on her marriage that you had. It is likely that this information is being wrongfully withheld from her.
If you do tell her, I wouldn't tell your WW in advance, because that will only give her an opportunity to forewarn the OP and will only cause more secrecy. Tell the OMW FIRST and THEN tell your W.
I don't really understand why we tend treat adultery victims any differently than other victims. For example, if I knew my neighbor's bookkeeper had embezzled money from him, I would consider it a moral obligation to warn the man so he could take steps to protect himself. I am just baffled that we seem to want to treat adultery any differently. Perhaps because exposure causes US trouble? I don't know.... I just don't think that I could rationalize not warning a person of great harm just because of a little personal inconvenience. If I could, I would be very personally disappointed in myself.
I would also add that the chances of the affair resuming are greatly reduced if the OP's spouse knows because that prevents the WS from having a free path back to the OP with someone watching from that end too. NOT telling her only increases the risk that the affair will resume.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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