Here is the background. I have a post going earlier about how I discovered her affair (e-mail) but now am wondering how I resopnd to her demands for a D?

A quick background. I had brought to our marriage some financial/credit issues that I, wrongly, did not disclose, and had a few issues with honesty early on in our 2 year marriage. I had even visited here for support, and, the past 9 months have been wonderful.

As recently as 4-6 weeks ago, we booked tickets for Turkey-day to visit family in FL. I had noticed she had been a tad distant this summer though, and had asked her, "are you happy?" "Is there anything wrong," etc. Trying to make sure I wasn't missing anything. Even as recently as a week ago, when I had my suspisions, I asked again if she loved me, and this marriage was forever, and got a salutory "Yes,"

When I exposed her EA to her and confronted her, I got the expected rant about invaded privacy, how I violated her trust. After talking and asking her what she wants to do, she says she's in love with two men, and can't get over what I did to her with the financial lies early on in our marriage. Yet, the past year has been so great, we have gelled, and been so honest, until she started this EA.

I exposed it on 8/29, she said she needed time, but since I kept bringing it up, she told me on 8/30, that I pushed her into wanting a D, and her decisions might have been different had I not invaded her privacy.

She says she wants this D for her, that she needs "to do something for me," "I need this to be happy,"

When I ask her how I have let her down or what needs I haven't met, she really doesn't say anything, just that "I need to do this for me,"

Help! What do I say?

If you do not want a divorce, then don't agree to a divorce.
Tell her you do not want one, don't discuss it when she brings it up & definitely don't you bring it up.

I guess I'm not new enough to the whole divorce process to understand how it works.

If I refuse, what is the recourse she has...that I have?

Addendum:

She is the one asking for the divorce, as she is in love with two men, but she wants me to leave the house, or ultimately wants it in the end.

What are my legal rights in this situation, as I don't really want to leave the house in the interim, at least while we're finding out what we're going to do?

Tell her that you're only interested in working on your marriage. Let her know that you're not going anywhere, nor will you file for a divorce.

Read up on Plan A, and get it implemented immediately.

Do NOT leave the house. She can't make you leave as far as I know...so it becomes HER choice to leave or to stay.

I've started plan A as of last night.

She's the one who wants to file for the divorce, certainly not me.

I'm also going to start the exposure process.

Update:

She's pressing for me to leave the situation. Please give me prayers for strength to stand my ground. I think that today I'm going to tell the OMW and see what she says about it.

The OM and OMW really are on the verge of divorce anyway, so it really might not matter too much.

I'm in such an incredible amount of pain right now...please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know I'm new, and you see a lot of these, but this is so hard.

Thanks so much.

Do not leave the house. If you live in a community property state, she cannot force you to leave unless there is some kind of abuse.

Check your state laws on the net. Just type in your state and divorce law, and you will find out a lot.

After exposure they all babble about now they want a divorce, it's the last straw, blah, blah, blah. Expose some more. The OM and his wife might not be as close to divorce as you think.

It depends on the state.

Thankfully, the US is not subject to Islamic Law so if she really wants a divorce, she will get one. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. The hoops she has to jump through vary by state, but broadly speaking she will get divorce papers drafted up. You won't sign them, so she will have you served. The sheriff can then testify that you have been served and the court will start to get invovled.

Different states will have court ordered counseling, time that you must live apart and so on. Good luck to you!

Mlsrar,

Listen to all posts. We are all saying the same thing!!

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT DIVORCE

PLAN A YOUR A$$ OFF!

Email EA's are most always about communication (what else?) If she will talk to you, try to communicate more with her.

Ask her why she needs privacy? Unless she is in the bathroom or writing in her journal, there is NO REASON for an H or W to insist on privacy in the marriage.

This has only happened in the last 2 days correct? Do nothing rash for the next 3 months. Things will calm down and even your W's state of mind will.

Do you know the OM? Do expose to the OM'sW. Maybe the D is not as eminant as the OM is telling your W or as your W is telling you. Can you block his email from your W's email account...or get her to do it.

Stay strong!

k

mlsrar...

I copied and pasted something that I posted to another person yesterday(though, I edited it to be a little more generic)...I thought you could use it as well...

____________________________________________________________


I'm going to throw in my 2 cents here, and see if I can provide you with any clarity. First, I'd like to start off by telling you that I am a FWW(former wayward wife). I tell you this so that you can better understand the perspective from which I post...

I am going to try and give you direct and concise instruction here, because it is my belief that when things are falling apart around you, absolute and definitive direction can help to provide some feeling of stability. MB principles regarding infidelity give you back some control of your own life in a world steeped with so much uncertainty. The principles do, however, require a full commitment on your end in order to be used in the most effective way. Your marriage is quite possibly very savable, but your W is not the dependable one right now and can't make responsible choices, so unfortunately, it is up to you to step up to the plate for both of you. If you can accept this responsibility, then no matter what the outcome, you will be able to keep your integrity and know without a doubt that you did everything possible to save your marriage. Assuming that you choose this path, here are the necessary steps that you must take...

1. Get and read Surviving An Affair if you haven't already done so.

2. Read all that you can on this site about Plan A and begin immediate implementation. Understand that Plan A is about three things...


A. Meeting the emotional needs of your W, no matter what she does...this is about being the H that YOU want to be...ACT, DON'T REACT...right now, ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth must be regarded as "fog talk" and should be ignored and not affect what you do or say at all! Be the man that you WANT to be. Btw, meeting the EN's of your W is difficult if you are separated, so, on your part, abandon the idea of separation altogether, even if/when she brings it up...she will believe that this will be more acceptable to you than divorce, so you may as well expect it...Anyway, you DO NOT leave your home under ANY circumstances...your wife could choose to leave, but what your wife chooses is not up to you. When she brings up separation/divorce, you say, "Honey, I love you, and I and commited to making our marriage work." If she continues to bring it up, you say, "I'm sorry honey, but I don't talk separation/divorce, that job belongs to lawyers I only talk marriage and would be glad to talk with you about that whenever you'd like." You must always stay on message here..."I DO MARRIAGE AND COMMITMENT ONLY!"...repeat it to yourself over and over...

B. At all costs, BUST UP THAT AFFAIR!!! You must EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! This is critical...no matter how mad your W will be or what consequences may befall her (she chose to have an affair, and she must deal with the consequences associated with that choice). Here is what you absolutely MUST understand, your marriage can survive anger, but it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing affair. So keep snooping, it is your right to be a part choices that impact your life. Get the proof that you need, and then use it for exposure. (check computer use by installing a keylogger, install a recorder on your home phone and a voice activated recorder in your W's car to record cell phone calls, etc., Run, do not walk to Radio Shack A.S.A.P.) When exposing to family and friends call or write letters to them about your intentions. Let them know how very much you love your W, and how commited you are to saving your marriage. Ask them for any help that they can offer you in accomplishing this goal. Tell them you realize that you weren't the H that you should have been and you are working daily toward becoming the H that your W always needed. Tell them how important this is to you. Definitely expose to the OMW, you can bet that your W hasn't be completely truthful about the state of the OM's marriage...the OMW can be a very important ally. ALL the letters/phone calls should go out on same day/time, so that your W or the OM are not tipped off and can go and make excuses, etc.

C. Work on you...join a gym, buy new clothes, take up a hobby, go get a real or spray on tan...anything that you can do to make you a better you...your W will notice and even if she doesn't, this is about making you okay no matter what happens in your life...

This is a very narrow path, and it has been proven to
work over and over. But, like any effective plan, it takes hard work and commitment for successful implentation. There of course are no guarantees that you will definitely recover your marriage, but this is the best way to proceed in this situation for a few reasons.

-if your marriage does end, you can walk away with no regrets, knowing that you did everything possible to save it.

-it allows you to keep your integrity.

-it gives you back some control over your life

-you will be a better more confident you, which, no matter the outcome, is in your best interest.

Keep posting here for support and advice. You may want to see your doctor and start taking some antidepressants. If there is any way that you can afford it, make an appointment with Steve Harley to help you with a plan specific to you, it is my understanding that this is the best money that you will ever spend...you can find details about doing this by clicking on "Counseling Center" at the top of the Marriage Builders home page. My thoughts and prayers are with you, I'm so sorry that you are going through this...

Mrs. Wondering

--------------------
FWW - 36
FBH - 38
Dday - April 26, 2005
In recovery

What is God telling you to do? If you haven't heard what God is telling you to do, then ask and keep asking until you do.

This is so hard to stay strong, but I'm working on just being quiet and friendly, and being myself around her. She told me yesterday that she thought we should try some time a part for a "good separation," I told her that I'm not giving up, and that idea will not happen.

She seems like she's already given up, but I'm going to try my best to meet her ENs and just be there for her. Last night we slept in separate rooms again, but she was amicable when I woke up and, as I left, I told her to have a great day, which she reciprocated.

I do know that she called the OM last night as I was leaving to go work out. Thankfully, I have MB, and a very good friend/neighbor who is a life coach, and also works out with me. When I came back last night, she was talking to an old friend about how she's thankful that she'll be there during this time of need; then she called her mom, and reiterated how great it is that "XXXX will be here for me through this,"

I need to get through to her without being pushy that I'm not going anywhere...is there any way I can work on that?

Thanks for being here, everyone.

Trying to maintain civility and friendship. I sent her an email hoping she has a great day. No ILY in the signatory, but she responded back with the same.

OM and OMW are on vacation this week, where, supposedly, OM will disclose his feelings towards WW. Who knows. I'm still going to be Plan A-ing all weekend, but it will be interesting to see how she reacts while he's gone.