This is also posted in Just Found Out, but no one seems to want to respond.

I found out about my husbands A 3 weeks ago tomorrow. We've been married 6 years ...4 kids, 1 of them from a previous marriage of his (18 yrs) and we have a 4 y/o, 3 y/o and 14 month old.

WH is in an Executive MBA program and that is where he met the OW. It's a very intensive 2 year program where there is only 27 people in the entire graduation class. On top of working his 50-60 hr. week job, with this degree, he is required to be at the school every other weekend from Friday morning until Sat. afternoon...yes, OVERNIGHT! This is where the A happened. It's an $80,000 degree which his company is paying for.

Dday was Aug 12. I found an e-mail from the OW saying she loved him. I confronted him and he admitted the A going on for 7 months. It was both an EA and a PA. Since then, he has given me his cell phone password, school e-mail password and has told me he will not contact her again. She did e-mail him two days after he called her and told him to "Leave" (don't know if she meant me or school?). He forwarded that e-mail to me. He says he hasn't contacted her or she him since then, although she did send me a nasty-gram saying I could "have him" and then went on to berate me and him and how we could have each other. Followed by an apology for hurting me family. Talk about passive agressive.

We have been to MC 3 times together so far and each time, we come out with a better understanding of each other...that's the good side. We were even in a group session where he admitted to everyone there that he had an A. WH tells me he loves me, will do anything to make this marriage the best it can be, says he is so sorry, he feels like crap, he made a huge mistake...on and on.

Here's the part that makes me afraid...WH called the OW after I found out about the A and told her it was over. No NC letter has been written and here is why...

Dh has 8 months of this degree left. He did go to the administration of the school and asked to take a year leave from the program so he wouldn't have to be in school with the OW. He even told them why he needed the leave. However, they denied it and said he could take 8 weeks off the beginning of the fall semester to work through issues but then he would have to return and finish with his class...that or quit. If he quits, we owe his place of business $40,000 and the possibility of him losing his job do to his actions.

We've both decided he is going back to school. He has promised me that he is NOT going to stay overnights there anymore. He has talked to the admins. about that and they are okay with it. He promises me he will not have any contact with the OW other than need be for school related issues..he is making sure he is not in any school project groups with her.

I'm afraid. He is saying all the right things, doing all the right things, but how am I supposed to start recovery while he is going to be "seeing" her for the next 8 months?

Financially, we can't afford $40,000 AND for him to lose his job.

I love my husband. I know good people make bad choices. I know I wasn't listening to his EN and that partially led to this...I'm working on that. We have actually been closer to each other in the past 3 weeks than we have been since he started this degree over a year ago.

Is there hope? Am I fooling myself into believing we can get through this schooling and make it a better marriage?

BTW, after talkign to out MC (who I absolutely LOVE), she agrees WH needs to finish school too. Am I just being a fool?

Sorry for the rambling. I'm still so very hurt about this. I love my husband and I want our marriage to work and I want it to be stronger. I just can't seem to get over the thoughts in my head.

Heart,

Is there anyone else (i.e., a male) in the program who can serve as "chaperone". Ideally this person would eat, sleep, go to class, etc. with your H and basically be with him 24/7? Having email/VM passwords will be helpful but if they are right there together thay don't need those technological tools to communicate.

Thanks for the response!

I never thought about that. It's a good idea. Actually, it would make me feel better. Of course, that's assuming my WH is all for telling one of his classmates.

Hi heartofstone,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself here.

Dear God, it's my d-day all over again. My H met his OW in his MBA program. (I remember him joking about a t-shirt he'd seen during one of the initial meet-and-greets - MBA means "Married But Available." Some guy who was from China was given it by his wife. Gag.)

My dear, I have been there, done that, and have that same t-shirt to prove it. After d-day, H promised to restrict all contact to "just school" contact (funny how they seemed to be in the same group for everything...). He took time off (all he could get was two weeks, though). He arranged to have his work practicum where I was (several provinces away) to stay away from her.

Is it possible that he can remain faithful to you while still attending school with OW? Yes, it's possible. In my opinion, it is extremely unlikely. This site is so adamant about NC for a reason. My H had an in-class accountability partner set up, he had a "report-in" system with me, he had accountability out the ying-yang.

One look at those brown eyes when he returned from his hiatus and it was all for naught.

Your H may be stronger than mine. For your sake, I hope so. I will always feel that my H obtained his degree by sacrificing our marriage. The number in our case was $28,000. It will always hurt to know that I had a price.

All the best to you - I am sorry you are hurting.

G

It seems these programs just aren't meant for those who are married. I've heard this type of this a few other times as well.

Did your WH ever end the affair?

My fear is the toll this is going to take on me, let alone my marriage. I don't know if I can put myself through this every other week until next May.

BTW, I just spoke to WH and mentioned the idea of an "accountability partner". He said if that's what it took to make me feel better, he would do that.

I hate this.

I'm totally with you - the late hours, the sheer amount of time spent together, the illusion of "connection" based on some shared life goals - it's a recipe for disaster.

Yes, he ended the affair. But only after the program had ended. We went through several false recoveries, all of which ended when he put himself in a vulnerable position (either returning to school or going to another country - by himself, but away from me - for a semester).

In our favour was the fact that OW lived in the same city as the university and I lived half a country away. In the end it became a choice between OW and his family. We "won" (although I don't always feel like a winner, sigh. Tee-hee, was typing too fast and it initially came out "wiener" - Freudian slip, I guess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I wish I could offer you more advice. Your WH does seem to be demonstrating more sincerity than mine did (I felt a lot of resentment from my WH). If you and he are determined that he finish school, then try to negotiate a plan that helps you feel as safe as possible. He will need to work his a$$ off in being forthcoming with exactly where has been and with whom.

I warn you, it'll be a rough ride. There are people around here who have recovered while their spouse still works with/is in contact with the OP. It's extremely difficult, but perhaps they will have some advice for you.

Blessings,

G