I am really proud of myself for yesterday. Not responding to his text messages nor his request for me to pay his car payment. In fact, the whole thing just made me laugh. He has had months to make this payment. Get a job, have OW pay for it...etc. I guess I really have been played for the fool here. He chose to move forward with his life away from our dreams, not I. Let the chips fall where they may. Bank of Lisa has shut down.

I am feeling a bit empowered today, I think I am starting to understand Plan B. It really is there to protect me from his babble, manipulations and bs. I've been focusing on my business and now things are really looking up the boutique opens next week and then a new business venture that I have started will take me to the UK in the next two months. So excited.

But now I have to face reality here. I can get the hang of not responding to phone calls, text messages, but how do I handle myself in face to face contact.

He knows he is no longer welcome in our circle of friends. However, it is obvious after Monday he is still trying to get back in with us. He knows our schedule for tournaments is Monday and Thursday. He was very drunk Mon when we saw him and that was a scene. I was thankful to avoid him as best I could.

However, tonight, there is a chance he will show up to try and start something with me since I didn't acknowledge him yesterday. If he does, I know I can call 911 if he makes any threats but what if he tries to JUST talk to me. How do I handle this? Ignoring him which I have done in the past was what caused the threats before. I'd rather risk all chances of communication but I do have to go to fulfill my obligations, so I cannot back out. Plus therapist said for me not to give up MY things/hobbies over this.

I don't want my life to stop because of him. I've come along way here...and I am not giving in no matter how hard he continues to try. If I am forced to talk to him, what do I say? Or do I walk away if he approaches me? Should I have our friend prepare to intervene?

Ignore the putz

Wow all good questions Sadie .... I was wondering some of the same things myself.....

We have mutual friends, he had blown them all off now its like he is trying to befriend some of them again.... Not sure why but they are all being very cautious arouond him. They think he is doing to question them ...

I like you have been wondering about being in public and he shows up , how to handle it ... I hate to leave my friends and the fun I am having just so he can not see me ... But I will follow the wise advice of the pros here ...

Sadie, you must plan on leaving if he comes in and plan your life so that you don't run into him. If he comes in, then you LEAVE. You don't have to give up your hobbies, but you have to rearrange them and strategically plan around him. You can't have both Plan B and all your activities the exact same way you had them. You must be prepared to make some changes in order to avoid him.

He will quickly get the message. But as a typical alcoholic, it probably ticks him off that you are trying to take back control of your life. He will probably try anything to take back control and get you to break your word. So be prepared to go to any length to avoid him, lest you lose your credibility.

you guys, Plan B means "no contact." Not just "no contact, except when it's inconvenient."

Melody,

This is the the problem. On Monday's and Thursday's I play on a dart league. I can't possibly leave once the tournament starts because then the entire team would be forced to forfeit the game and we would lose. We are number one right now.

I've been doing this for quite some time and really don't feel that I should give it up and leave and more importantly ruin it for the 20 other people (two teams) that are paying to play in the tournament.

He knows where to find us because he was on the team with us before we dropped him when all this happened. He has the schedule and can just show up wherever we play.

There has to be something I can do to hold my head up high. Or do I in the best interest of the teams, quit the teams? But then doesn't he win? This is exactly what he wants...me out of the circle and he and OW in the circle.

got ya melody ..... I will have no problem with that .... I can walk away head held high .....

Sadie, but doesn't he win if he forces you into not holding to your Plan B and ruins your credibility because of it? Because if you stay, he will see that you don't really mean what you say. That is exactly what he wants because contact gives him back control and ruins the purpose of Plan B. So, if you stay [ie: break your no contact], you are simply playing right into his hands.

If Plan B is too inconvenient for you to do, then don't do it. You have to decide what is important in your life, not me.

It's not too inconvenient...but I also thought Plan B was to focus on myself and move forward with my life...this is focusing on me. He told me long ago he wanted me to pay for what he THINKS I have done to make his life miserable.

So, if I quit the teams, stay home...isn't that letting him win...me at home miserable? Or am I not better off having a good time and doing my best to ignore him totally...and if there is an approachment by him, let my friends take over or let the management know?

I don't want to sound hard headed about this...truly I don't. Because I do feel much better now that I have not acknowledged him yesterday. But I just don't know what he is capable of either especially when he has been drinking and now that he is hitting rock bottom. I've already dealt with death threats...perhaps a restraining order to keep him completely away from me?

Sadie, you don't have to convince me. If you don't want to do Plan B, then don't.

Are your friends on board with your Plan B?

Could you obtain the assistance of a couple male friends to help you reinforce that he remain away from you? Big Brother protectors?

Thats what I would do. Have them ask him to leave if he shows up.

Yes they are all on board with me. In fact I would say the majority of the people that we know through the leagues are completely on board. They all agree with what I am doing.

Chances truly are that he will not show up. So I am probably being overly concerned for no reason. Just the last time something like this happened was when he threatened to kill me.

Yes, they have already promised to protect me. His dad said for me to go ahead and call 911 if I felt the slightest bit threatened by him.

So there you go....go to your activities and do not interact with him whatsoever. Not even "hello."
If he attempts to have contact with you -- have someone step in.
If you feel threatened or concerned, call the police.
If you have to do that, take the next step and get a restraining order.

Sadie - Plan B means if you are going to continue with activities where you know your husband could create drama - that you either change those activities or you have contingencies to handle the drama and keep it away from you.

For example, if you insist on the dart tourneys, your team members head husband off without you seeing or hearing anything. They escort him off the premises and if they can't keep him away from creating a scene, they understand you will leave. This doesn't mean he wins and gets to be on the team - they have to make it clear that they will never accept him and OW on the team and to give up being so ugly. But let them handle it, cause if you have to handle it, you leave. You walk away with grace. He doesn't win. He just gets a hollow victory that adds to his pain.

if there is an approachment by him
(is approachment even a word?)
If he approaches you, keep it very short & polite and excuse yourself if he does not go away.

So it is said, so it is done...thank you...sound advice. I've just spoken with them and they have all promised to take care of any situation that arises. They don't want them there anymore than I do.

Thank you.

And now I understand why NC in Plan B means NC. While WS text messaged me a couple of times to make his car payment on Wednesday night...last night I found out that he and OW were spotted up at the bar on Wednesday night. One of the regulars told me that they were hiding in the back of the bar not in plain sight because some of our friends were up there. Yup has money for a bar tab but not a car payment...argh...thank goodness I didn't make the payment....I really would have been played for the fool longer.

Had a really good time last night. I am finally starting to relax now when I go out and it's starting to show in my game. We all did a toast to "No more drama." Let's see how long it lasts.