In another post somebody asked about how agressive a man should be in the early dates to indicate that he is attracted to a woman.

I have found that it is best to wait until the woman brings up sex. Usually she won't bring it up directly by saying "Let's have sex". More often she is indirect. "You have a long drive home late at night, why don't you plan on staying over", or "I am seeing my doctor next week and will probably get the STD tests so you will be reassured." Often she will simply get very touchy, feely, going beyond the boundries that I am observing. When she can't keep her hands of me, that is usally a sign she is ready for sex.

This works a lot better than getting your faced slapped or having her move your hand and then move herself a safe distance away.

In this age of very harmful STD's and poor relationship skills, I think I'd prefer actually finding a way of discussing if we were both comfortable with this level of intimacy. I don't know if that's how it would happen for me, but it might be nice if people were able to discuss something as important in life as moving to the ultimate physical intimacy in a relationship.

CS

I agree with both Auto and CS. Women have always let me know very clearly that they are interested in having sex. I've never had to guess. This makes perfect sense, since mate selection is the domain of the female in the human species. Still, like CS, I like to have a open and honest talk before the clothes come off.

You know, CS, one of the good things about being middle aged is that you no longer have to worry so much about STDs. They are rather rare in people over 40 for a number of reasons. I would not require the proof of a partner being free of STDs that I once did. Twenty-five years ago, a new partner may have had numerous other sexual partners in the last year and unprotected sex was out of the question. Also, younger people tend to withhold important information in regard to their sexual experience. Women my age, at least the ones I'd be interested in, simply don't sleep around and are very up-front about their sexual experience. If they aren't, I don't go there.

I'm going to speak from personal experience.

I was once date raped. Not everyone I date might know that ahead of time. So, remember that 1 in 4 women in the U.S. have been sexual abuse victims (as have about 1 in 6 men). While it may be in the distant past, it still may have some affect on the victim.

So, if you're interested, it might be a good idea to put out some sort of signal but wait for the slower partner's responding signal.

The summer before I met my current BF, I had a fling. A healing but stupid fling. I couldnt' tell you what his sexual past was but he objected to condoms and I was stupid enough to not make that a requirement after the first time.

So, before current BF and I ever did anything more than neck, we had several discussions on the matter. And the decision was made that we would both go for testing. He was a BS and did not know exactly to what his x might have exposed him.

So, I do think it advisable to discuss your past before taking your clothes off.

As for the fling, I had just decided it was time and gave him permission to proceed. But, after the talks with current BF, I wanted and needed more for me. I needed to take the initiative - not just take on the 'whatever' attitude. I needed more control. So, I planned it. The only thing I wish I had done is better communicate my expectations. I gave him enough info for him to have an idea what the expectations were. (Who would have thought it would be 65 degrees on the beach that night, though?)

To this day, he remains the one partner who has most cared about what I wanted or needed. No plans for trading him in any time in the future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am unsure if the 65 degrees was a good thing or a bad thing. Please enlighten me. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It was memorable only in terms of emotional healing and in terms of daring. It was not memorable in a gratifying sense, if you get my drift. Cold and nervous does not ususally lead to a successful encounter.

And it may have been colder than 65 - I don't know. It was early July and people had on sweatshirts during the day that day. The water at that beach is always cold in summer and the breeze was coming over that cold water. It was cold enough to make body parts nealy inoperable.

Check - I usually agree w/your posts and like your outlook on many situations..This one scares me...



My WH is 52 and is having SF w/many OW/MOW..I;m sure some of these woman are respectable and may only have had limited SF from anyone other than their poor BS. BUT...I do know a few of the OW and believe me they are not picky about their partners. THey aren't anymore picky than my WH...They will have SF w/anyone....and w/some, their own partners are also wayward.

From my prior sexual experience w/my WH he is NOT one that wants to use a condom..So he is probably having unprotected sex. Hey, he probably hasn't contracted anything YET..

My WH looks the part of a very professional/sensitive/family/caring man he can fool anyone..I'm just glad that he choose not to have SF w/me anymore.

Be careful out there..I think alot of woman/men just leave out the truth when discussing prior relationships. Especially, if they ended poorly or they realized they screwed up. Everyone has ghosts in their closet...

Hugs

OT:

WRT to the "honesty" thing, I was asked about my 14 month difference between my first D and my second M and I confessed openly and honestly...

We talked for a while on the phone after the confession and she e-mailed me this morning, so that MAY be promising.

No matter what happens, I will not lie about or hide anything...it's the only way to go.

WNB

Yeah, ITHURTS, he's having unprotected sex with multiple people he either doesn't or barely knows. That's just what the younger set does and yes, it's risky (make that STUPID) behavior. This is very, very unusual for mwn and women my age. It does happen, but they can be as slick as they want, but I will find them out before the clothes comes off. Promiscuous people will always catch themselves up in a frank conversation with an observant person. I am an introvert and prefer intorverted women. These do not tend to be promiscuous or associate with men who are.

I said we don't have to worry so much about STDs, not that we don't have to consider them. I think you make a good point that women have to be more careful than we men do in this regard. For my part, I consider sex with condoms to be abysmal - not worth the time and effort and they completely destroy intimacy for me. I'm also not willing to subject myself to an STD panel every few weeks to satisfy the fears of this week's possible romantic interest. So the best course of action for me is to have sex only with one women I have come to know well and trust.

Ok Check - Since I've been out of the dating pool for many years and my WH and I NEVER discussed sex ----

Is there a list of questions that a lady should ask a potential new partner?

How (which goes back to my post on sexually aggressive men) can you be observant enough to figure out if it's a game the guys playing before you disrobe or if he is sincere?

How can you tell if he's just "needy for any relationship" or if he's picky as to the type of woman he truly wants to be with???

I feel stupid asking these questions - but I am a very cautious woman and I don't want to be used for sex. I have always talked to men openly about sex in the past but they were typically guy friends so it wasnt' like we were talking about it in an intimate way.

I know that some of my WH OW/MOW were not promiscious nor did/do they realize that he is very promiscious. At times I feel sorry for the woman they think he is only w/them and they risk everything for a man that is after only 1 thing..

HUGS...

I can tell you the way I approach women, but that could be very different from the way a woman approaches a man. So I'll leave it to the women to advise you on the sorts of questions you need to ask and how. Remember, it isn't just a Q&A session. You have to look at the bigger picture and evaluate the whole package. Here are a few things to look out for:

He talks a lot about himself, is self-agrandizing, self-congratulatory, a braggart. Yet, doesn't seem to care much about you. Doesn't follow up on things you say or try to engage you to talk about yourself further.

He gets a lot of cell phone calls, text messages, voice mail while you are with him. Especially if he takes the calls as a matter of routine or feels the need to check his messages frequently.

He doesn't do what he says he's going to do. If he tells you he'll call you tomorrow and doesn't, regardless of what excuse he make when he does finally call, put your guard up.

He's a party boy. Always on the go, out with friends every night. SPends a lot of time "clubbing."

Spends excessive time on the Internet. Especially in chat rooms and instant messaging. You know how some people have their instant messanger always active, but with an "I'm away message"? Guys are not terribly chatty with other guys on line. So if you hear his instant messenger chiming constantly when at his place, chances are he's spending a lot of time chatting up many women.

Is sexually aggressive. This doesn't mean flirting with you, but aggressively trying to sexualize every encounter.

If you ever catch him in a lie, even a little white lie, drop him. No excuses, ever.

If he is dating multiple women, he is not a candidate for a sexual partner. Others here are going to disagree with me on this. You don't have sex with a man who may be having sex with other women unless all you are looking for is casual sex as well. In casual sexual encounters, safe sex is an absolute must.

When you are out with him, he is constantly greeting or being approached by other people, especially women.

He seems a bit too smooth. Says everything you want to hear when you want to hear it. Never has a slip of the tongue, never seems a little nervous, never seems a tad awkward.

Your inner voice tells you something just doesn't seem right here.

There are many more; women who have been on the receiving end can probably tell you many more. With a couple of exceptions, none of these things by themselves indicated that a man is only wanting to use you for sex. Yet if you see three or more of them, the chances are very high that he is.