The A is never an R.

What does that mean?

Well, the Affair is never a Relationship.

Why? Because a relationship is dependent on 2 human beings working towards a common goal. As one dicitonary described it: "state of relatedness or connection by blood or marriage or adoption [syn: kinship, family relationship]"

No aliens can form the bond formed by 2 humans in a family. Sure the families have problems. What A does? Hm.... so the A is not problem free. It never is. Get it?

Now what can we learn from this? A lot.

1. Know that the A is never problem free.
2. The A is and will never be an R. Not a true R.

3. At the very best, the A is a pseudo R. In time it is exposed.

4. The A will end. Even if the M ends in D, the A will end because of lack of trust. It is just a matter of time.

What about those who seem A sucessful? That's a joke. The lack of trust never leaves their sight. Even in their most quiet moments, the dread of exposure, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, greediness.....hovers over the OP and WS like a bad reoccuring dream.

Knowing the above will help the BS instill and exaggerate those fears. Yep, raise doubts and questions about it. Let the WS worry.

Why be cruel? You are not being cruel, you are giving the WS the true gift of the A. Their own problems back. The A started with greed, lying, cheating and mistrust. It will lessen the impact on the BS and family, when the BS decides to NOT allow themselves t/b manipulated any more by the WS or OP.

The A is never an R. Let's all do our best to share that message with others. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

thank you

Thanks, Orchid. I needed that. It is a fresh perspective to me. And I need to share the wealth.

far

Hmm. I agree UTTERLY with the principle, but maybe not with teh semantics. I would say perhaps that an A will never be a PARTNERSHIP.

I have a "relationship" of sorts with YOU, with friends at work and even with abstracts such as my work and my posessions. But I have partnerships only with equally committed partners.

Partnerships together overcome problems and challenges; partnerships support each other for the good of both.

Whatever the semantics, affairs ain't it. I agree 100% with that.

I think I'm kinda with Bob on this one.

While 'The A is never an R' has a certain logical ring to it, (I mean, can you imagine this as a bumper sticker?) the fact is that there are all sorts of relationships. Good, bad and ugly. And while it would be nice to deny an affair any legitimacy whatsoever, facing facts is kinda important... unless you want to live in denial, which doesn't usually work out all that well...

There are statistics that illustrate how generally unsuccessful affair-based relationships are. Heck, even non-affair based relationships aren't faring all that well...

47% of first marriages (in the US) end in divorce
60 - 80% of second and subsequent marriages end in divorce.

Less than 3% of affairs result in a lifelong marriage.

So it's not like it never happens, but it sure isn't likely too.

So there's my uncoffeed opinion. Must have coffee. Make more sense.

J

Ok Bob & Dewt,

I knew I could count on u 2 being up at the same time. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I agree there are all different types of R's but note the definition I zeroed in on: Well, the Affair is never a Relationship.


Ok R as in marital R, family R......No A type R can fit in there.

What the WS and OP try desparately t/d is make their A a marital or family type R. No can do.

Here are some of the actions which show how desparate the WS and OP can get (all taken from MB experiences):

1. OW uses the name Mrs. WS as her own.
2. WS tries to schedule a 'family portrait' of him with his son and the OW as a father's day present to himself.

3. OW goes into the BS' home and takes some of the BS' jewelry.

4. OW claims t/b married to the WS.
5. OW claims the WS is committing 'emotional adultery' when the Ws decides to leave the OW and go back to his family.

6. WS tries to get the child to call the OW 'mama'.
7. WS takes the W off the insurance policy and tries to put the OWs name on it.

8. WS and OW try to make 'memories' from their short-lived A to paint a facade of a long term R.

ex1 (this one I made up):
OW: Remember that nice long stroll we used to take?
WS: Oh yea, when we took out the garbage together?


ex2 (this one really happened):
OW: Let's go away on a trip and I will pack our favorite snacks and drinks. We can listen to 'our' music.

Now what kind of R would you call that? Oh, it's an R alright but no where's close to a marital or family type R.

JMHO,
L.

Ws: Yes, and you can read all your e-mails to me on the way up to our vacation destination.

LOL!!!So that's where the stink comes from!!!!

I don't know if I agree with the relationship part.It is essentially a relationship when you look at other definitions:

-a state of connectedness between people(puke).But get this,in the example right next to this definiton it says, "he didn't want his wife to know of the relationship" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

- a state involving mutual dealings between people or parties or countries

- a way in which people and things are connected to each other

Simple enough. But add in to those descriptions all the disgusting and selfish *actions of WS and OP and it makes it all the more sordid IMO.

I think on a very basic level I would say instead,A's(adulterous connectedness) will never be valid,moral,just,appropriate,healthy,honest or loving,etc "relationships".

Or,as Mel likes to say,it's 2 pigs rutting in a pen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

O

In early recovery, H and I were talking about everything.

He shared this part of his affair history with me.

About 2 months before I discovered the affair, OW was in the hospital after elective but necessary surgery. Hysterectomy. She called my H and asked him this;

OW: "Why haven't you been to the hospital to visit me?"

H: "I am not family."

OW: "Yes, you are part of my life."

H: "We are having an affair we are not family."

~~~~~~~~~~

So, they had differing expectations of what they were going to get out of the A. One wanted more of a meaningful relationship, the other did not. And I think that is more in line with what orchid is saying.

There is an imbalance of effort and expectation from the get-go.

Exactly.
Thanks, Pep!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I know my FWH and FOW worked toward a common goal together ~ to have an inappropriate relationship behind my back, without me knowing about it. Their days and nights were consumed by how they could work together to go unnoticed, because the OW was someone very close to me as well.

In fact, when H spilled the beans to me, their "relationship" quickly dissolved, because there was nothing for them to work toward anymore! So I think it is a relationship, but not one with a strong foundation. I don't think an affair relationship can withstand much shaking up. Which is why exposure and Plan B are so effective if done at the correct times, IMO.

Spidey

speaking of relationships..you would think OW would realize what the status of their "relationship" truly is by my WH's actions when OC was born. OC was in the NICU for a week and WH did not visit, not once. OW had to go to the hospital by begging rides or taking a cab to provide breast milk for OC. Hellooooo...if he was her H he woulda been there!

I wonder how this is if the two affairees work together, coz it might even last longer as they may feel as if they are "working towards a common goal", like keeping the company in biz, discussing projects, etc etc. It may be a fantasy but it's a fantasy that continues to be fueled by possible "goal-achievable" and constant contact.

~A