My WH told me that men can be involved in a PA and not have feelings for the OW? Should I believe him b/c I don't. He said it was just sex. That he did/does not have the feeling of "love" for her. Please tell me if any other WH's experienced this. Thanks!

Yes they can do that.
But the longer it goes on, the more emotionally invested in it they become.

Lash,

In my case I can not with out some feeling of emotion. SF is a strong EN for me. When I had my A last fall, the sex was horrible (atleast for me). In addition to not being able to perform at times, I always had a tremendous feeling of guilt and shame after and couldn't ever look at the OM. I often got up and left in the middle of the night. I continued to force myself because I thought I needed to change my life. I went about it the wrong way. That being said with in 2 Months I ended the affair because I realized I would never be happy with this person, what I hadn't realized (and wouldn't for several more months) is that I wouldn't be happy with anyone other than my wife, and couldn't perform with anyone other than her (litterally). Unfortunately, the divorce continued to move and things went the wrong way and then finally I came around completely 6 months into this whole ordeal. by then my wife was having an affair of her own. Now I am in the process of trying to get her to end her affair and put the marriage back together. Seems like we have completely reversed rolls. So to answer your question...I have found in myself that the answer is no, but other people who do not have SF as a high emotional need may be able to. I guess it really all depends on the situation. The only thing you can do is look at your WH and think about where SF lies in his EN list.

That being said, it really doesn't matter it is wrong and there is no excuse that will make it right or make you feel better about it.

R.

Thanks Chris, it has been going on for 3 1/2 months. OW is also married. So what do you think about that time span?

SC,
Sorry to hear about your situation. Knowing my H the way I do, I believe that he does/did have feelings for her but wanted to spare my feelings and not tell me. She is also married. But I could be wrong, after all, I thought I knew him well enough not to ever get involved in an A in the first place but that has proven me wrong and that maybe I really don't know him that well after all. You are right about it being wrong but for me it is a greater betrayal if he actually loved her too. Hope things work out well for you.

At first, and what I've always said to myself, yes, I felt that a PA was just that - physical.

But by reading about EN's, I'm not so sure now.

If the OP is meeting the EN's of the WS then how can one not feel something? Isn't the concept of fulfilling EN's supposed to nurture a loving relationship? Maybe that's true if all the EN's are being met but not if only one or two are met, like SF. I'm no psychologist so this is out of my league. Maybe even though the PA is meeting one EN it might be destroying another that can cause the feelings of "love" to not "be there". Again, I'm no psychologist (I feel more like the narrarator from the Grinch "maybe, just maybe").

I think every BS knows that there had to be some feelings unless it was anonomous one-time sex, which still isn't good b/c it sounds addictive. I think a PA is usually preceeded by a EA. So the feelings were probably there in the first place.

Man, I hate what I'm typing b/c I'm revealing a lot to myself. I never wanted to believe that there were feelings in my A but how can I say there wasn't? I don't know. Mine lasted 2.5 months but I still don't feel like I loved her.

Well this probably doesn't help but it is food for thought.

Thanks CM, I'm glad you got revelation by typing your reply, I always felt that there had to be some kind of feelings there, another reason why I don't believe him. Also I figure why would a person risk everything for nothing?

If men had to be in love to have sex there would be no prostitutes or brothels.

I can have sex without love for the partner. I.e., I can get an erection simply by seeing an attractive woman. There is no "thought" process involved. And, I am able to complete the sex act without love.

That is not, however, the end of the story. Sex, for a man, opens the door to emotional attachment and entanglement. If a man has more than a couple of sexual encounters with the same woman, than he will get "hooked" emotionally on her.

Men are very, very out of touch with their feelings. We think of ourselves as these unthinking, strong hulks of masculinity, when we are just as vulnerable as any woman, just in a different way.

Also, he doesn't "love her". Right now, he is very confused. He is emotionally attached to her and can't figure out what is going on. (I.e., why can't I quit seeing OW?) He is "addicted" to her.

Thanks JM,
I never thought of it that way, you gave me a different prospective on this issue, thanks for your input.

Lash,

I would have to say that I agree with Cm and JM completely they were able to explain much better than I.

In summary IMO I believe (along with CM & JM) that there is a physical attraction at first (human nature/animal instinct), but that out of that comes an emotional attachment as well (another instinct). For me I was unable to descipher my feelings/emotions as I assume your husband is experiencing as well. Men are absolutely not in touch with their feelings. We tend to apply logic to just about everything when infact sometimes there is no logic at all.

I understand your feelings of betrayal and the added burden of emotional attachment, but I guess I would have to say that betrayal is betrayal and there is nothing that is going to make those feelings go away other than true hard work, understanding of yourself and WH, and a commitment to rebuilding your love and trust for each other regardless of the reason. As hard as it is to swallow sometimes, your WH is feeling pain/hurt as well (althoug some of it self inflicted). With my WS(FBS) I feel true empathy for her and wish I could help her but that doesn't mean that I am not angry and hurt myself. It has really only been in the last week that I have been able to transform my feelings of self pitty to feelings of ownership and desire to change with in myself regardless of the outcome. I found that I truely hated feeling betrayed and abandoned and destroyed. I started feeling very selfish because I know that my WS is in pain too. Reality is that I am hurt because she is hurting and that is why I am now focusing on helping her to be happy. at the moment I am in a mode of letting her go for awhile, not completely but enough to let her have time to think and figure out for herself what she is feeling and why. My hope is that she will realize how much I truely love her and how much self sacrafice I am willing to give. Not with the expectation that I will get it in return but because I love her unconditionally.

Sorry for rambling...I guess I am having a revelation of my own.

My point is that you love your husband and whether he admits it or not he loves you. The task at hand is to get through this ordeal and learn what you can from it so that you can move forward (not live in the past) to living a wonderful fulfilling life with each other.

I am praying for you and am always here (although certainly not an expert, i have been on both sides of this messy thing called Infidelity) to give you any opinion that may be relevent. I hope I can share with you enough of my experience so as to help you understand your WH and how I believe things would have helped me, he needs you now more than ever he just doesn't know it yet.

R.

Thanks R,
For your encouraging words, you are right betrayal is betrayal and is it going to take hard work to overcome it. I just wish H would give me a chance to do that but he in reality is Plan B'ing me (he told me after D-Day, Aug 14, and exposure day, Aug 17, that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me). He has been true to his word since then. I believe we both need this time anyway to put hings in prospective. He told me that he would be filing for D b/c he did not love me anymore, and did not want to be with me. I have yet to see the D papers. I told him how much I loved him and wanted our M to work but he told me not to love him and leave him alone. He is so bitter and hateful. I really am starting to think that he doesn't love me or want this M anymore. Now I am not hurt anymore I am angry. Hopefully this will pass too, b/c I am on an emotional rollercoaster, and he will come around soon before it is too late. Thanks for listening, just wanted to vent a little and I don't understand where is head is.

Lash,

I did the same thing he is doing...when I first left to pursue my A I was aweful to my wife, told her I wanted divorce and told her to move on not to love me anymore that I didn't love her anymore and refused to talk to her for a couple of months, but I never filed for Div or pushed the issue even though I told her I was. I really didn't want the Div, but it gave me control to be able to say it. She was devestated and tried everything to get me to come back. Then she just kind of stopped and when she did I started thinking because the conflict was gone enough that I wasn't focusing on that but rather on trying to figure out what the ****** I was doing.

She is now (after telling me she would wait forever and loved me and needed me), telling me that she doesn't want me doesn't love me, wants me to move on wants the Div. etc...all the same things. But she has not called her attorney or filed any paperwork or even made an attempt to finalize a divorce. The fact is that if she did really want it she would have gone right to the attorney and pushed the issue. This tell me that she really doesn't want it. I would venture to guess that this is common in most A situations that end up in plan B or seperation. It is just a waiting game at this point. From reading your story I believe that your H will come around. Give him space to realize that this OW is not what he wants. He will eventually want some normalcy in his life and you have and always will be that to him. Keep your faith and remember that he is in a rough time, hurting, feeling guilty and shameful and not wanting to face it. Be the rock that he needs and is going to need. Don't lose sight of why you love him and why you are following this plan. I am here for you, you can always email me directly if you need some support [email]ArchersMark2005@yahoo.com.[/email]

Thanks alot R(SC) for your encouraging words, I will not give up on H just yet and give him his space so he can realize what he is doing. Thanks for the insight and helping me see what he is going through. The hard part for me is waiting, I just wish the kids did not have to suffer through this as well.

I understand...going throught the same waiting game...
we will get through this together. In the mean time, get the child support. make your familys safety and security your priority.

Will do! Thanks! Hope I can encourage you the way you have me, let me know. lashell825@yahoo.com

I goofed up PLAN B. My MIL just called and asked could the kids minus the baby come over this holiday weekend. Of course, I said YES. So I thought that this would be a perfect time for them to see their dad since they haven't seen or talk to him in about 2 weeks, not even on their BDays (Aug 25 and Aug 29)(what is he thinking ooh he's not, sorry just a little pi**ed off about it). So I email WH "FYI...the kids minus DS7months will be over your parents this weekend, if you wanted to see/spend time with them". I know I goofed but I had to for the kids they miss their dad.

Hey just needed to vent a little today. This is the first holiday w/o WH being with the kids and I. He did spend time with them Sat and Sun. This day is sooooo hard. I wonder if his is with OW or if OW is with her family. I wonder if OWH is in town so I can tell him about their A. The kids said he hardly said a word to them when he was with them this weekend. I wonder if the A is still going on. Last week(the last time I talked to him before implementing Plan B) he told me that he had a lot of scars and did not want to discuss his betrayal right now. Wonder if he is going through withdrawal. I am just trying to look for any kind of hope right now. I think it is just the holiday b/c last week I was on the verge of filing for a D. Now I am not so sure. WH was suppose to file, I think he believes it is his only option b/c I told him if he cheated again then D was the only option. Sometimes I wonder if he is too scared to ask me for another chance. Thanks for letting me vent, I feel better already. Think I'll take the kids to the mall or the park to get my mind off of him. I hope he misses me today as much as I miss him.

WHOA! Made it through the holiday. Actually it turned out to be a wonderful day. Thank God for wonderful friends. A friend I grew up with call me yesterday (right after I posted, cried and asked God to take the pain away). She asked me to bring the kids over to her mothers (in the neighborhood we grew up-down the street from my mom). When I got over there alot of old friends were there, the kids and I had so much fun. I let everyone know that WH and I were separated and the whole story of his infidelity. They were very supportive and actually a couple of them had been through the same thing but worse. It is amazing that sometimes we think what we are going through is so bad but there are always people whose situation is worse than ours. I have also decided that I won't wait for the state to open the child support case against my WH (in a couple of weeks to one month) but I am going to file for a D or legal separation this week so that I will not be cheated out of spousal support. Also, I found out that WH has not been paying the bills for 3 months, my phone was cut off last week, house payment is behind and they said they are going to start foreclosure proceedings the end of this month. I can't believe that WH would do this but that's way I see(like some of you have told me over and over again) that I can't depend on him to take care of us(the kids and I). I just wish I had done this when some of you had suggested, I just thought that WH would never let things get to this point.

^BUMP^

La

What is your financial plan? If you haven't already - get the utilities in your name. It sounds like he is trying to punish you for plan B -- do not let him do this. You have to prove to him and yourself you can go it alone if you have to.

Tdr