Believe it or not, this can be a problem too.

I've been told I'm "scary" and "intimidating."
Is there any help for me?

Lobotomy




(I'm teasing Lexxy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hope you know that!)

I was going to say duct tape. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

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Seriously... as a shy person.. I usually appreciate being around an outgoing person! Ya'll are fun, interesting, talkative, have wonderful energy, and keep the conversation going. However, when I feel like they are being overbearing or "intimidating", I wish that they would have more patience with me, give me time to think, genuinely care and be interested in what I have to say, and ask me questions to get me to talk. I think outgoing people assume that we will talk if we have something to say. For instance, I had a wonderful dinner with my new "friend" last night, and I was thinking later that he really does most of the talking... he's not very good at drawing me out. And there are times that I'm quiet.. too quiet. And parts of me I have yet to share... and would like to... but just haven't brought up because I'm not sure he's interested. Is it because he's NOT interested in learning more about me? No, probably not. I'm pretty sure he is. In his mind, he thinks "if she wants to share something, she will". (right?) In my mind, I'm thinking, "I sure wish he would ask me more questions about myself to get me talking."

So Lex, as a shy person, I can't help you with your dilemma from experience. Just giving you my perspective from this side of the table. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Good News! I have duct tape!!!
Seems like a much easier fix than surgery!!! ROFL

I don't think I am (gosh I hope not) in a one-on-one situation. I tend to be a better listener than talker in those situations. I'm probably a lot like you -- where I draw someone out and then listen.

Its more like I never get the opportunity to get to the one-on-one phase cuz I scare them off early.

At least they were comfortable enough to tell me some of this stuff so I could work around it.

I'm not sure I agree with Faith 1 about other people being responsible for drawing her out. I admit this may be bias on my part due to something my STBX said in counseling. He said that since I knew he had a hard time expressing his feelings it was my job to get him to open up. I don't agree. I see I have a responsibility to make it safe for my partner to express himself, but beyond acknowledging the fact that I see he's having difficulty & saying I'd like to hear what he has to say & be as supportive as I can, I thinks it's less about shyness. It may start to boarder on passive aggressive selfishness.

I liken it to coaxing a reluctant child to try something new. You present whatever in the best light possible, you assure them they won't get hurt, you tell them you're quite sure they will enjoy the whatever. At some point the reluctant child has to take a leap of faith & trust you. To have to do that with all new situations is exhausting. The reluctant child shouldn't always need coaxing, they need to step out of the safety zone of not putting themself forward & expecting others to help with each uncomfortable moment & step.

I realize this is likely to be an unpopular position but my son has a friend who wouldn't speak to most people; Not his teachers, other kids in the class, parents of friends & even most of his relatives. Selective muteism is one phrase used, but I believe there is a selfish factor involved. Always expecting someone else to help you with your reluctance.

The passive aggressive part comes when the reluctant person decides they won't share because they haven't been drawn out & we are denied the knowledge of how they feel & think though it may be something we need to know.

Maybe this belongs on the shyness thread.

nams,
I'm in a hurry, but a quick thought... your points are well-taken. And I have other thoughts I'd like to ramble on about when I have more time.

However, I don't put the responsibility of drawing me out on the other person, nor am I suggesting that any relationship be that way. I was offering one suggestion to Lexxxy, as her contribution to the relationship, since she was asking for suggestions on being less "scary". To me... that's being a little less "scary".

Extroverts make me crazy; I just can't tolerate all that energy. They can be a lot of fun, but only in small doeses. I can't imagine living with one! I know I will never become involved with another woman with type A personality. My ex was type A and she couldn't be still. It took me a long time and a lot of patience to adust to her. She often made me very nervous and often I had to restrain my self from saying "sit down and be still!" The upside was that she was incredibly organized and could get more done in a day than most people can in a week. SInce she's been gone, I've noted that my life is much more quiet and calm; there isn't always something going on around me 16 hours every day.

CUrH, Iagree with you about type A personalities. They drive me crazy as well.

Just like there are different degrees to the type A there are degrees of shyness & my reference was for the extreme case with the selfish & passive agressive tendencies mixed in.

I don't want to paint all shy people with the same brush. We're all different & lots of us have situations in which we are shy & others where we feel freer to be more open.

Faith1 I'm sorry if you felt picked on. I didn't intend to suggest you fit the the extreme example I was referring to. When you said "he's not very good at drawing me out" I had a flash back to the incident in the counselor's office with my STBX & thought I'd chime in.

Maybe try a simple approach which shouldn't be too hard for you, say "I'm not very comfortable talking about myself, but there are things I'd like to share with you about me, how about you ask me some questions." I have been in your shoes & have said the above & it does make it easier.

I also have unpopular opinions about people who volunteer a lot, but I'll wait to see a thread on that before I comment.

nams,

People who volunteer a lot? Like diarrhea of the mouth? I think it is a sign of a compulsive personality. They share hoping to create intimacy with another person by sharing their most personal details. Not the way a more normal relationship develops though.

Faith,

I wonder if your guy isn't a little self-absorbed to not want to pause and see if you have an opinion or something to say.

Lexxy,

Try developing a new habit. Like pause with your finger on your lips and think about what you want to say before you say it? Works almost as good as duct tape! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

V.

I don't really have a problem with saying things I don't mean to say....lol.

Here's an example of my "scary" behavior. There was a guy I liked a loooong time ago. I reconnected with some mutual friends recently. The subject of "L" happened to come up. One of my friends called him, I got on the phone and talked to him. I called him again couple days later and suggested that we go out for a beer next week. His reaction? "wow....scary (laughing)" I made a joke out of him being scared of beer, then said "oh are you suggesting that I should be scared of having a beer with you?" He was laughing about it (thank god!) And we are going out on Tuesday. But I think I scared the crap out of him being so bold.

I think thats what I mean by "opposite of shy." I am very bold. I'm certainly not a Type A. And I'm not obnoxious.

I just don't sit back and wait for things to happen.
If someone doesn't call me -- I call them and ask whats up. I don't like games and I won't play them or let someone play them on me.

Lexxxy, you & I sound a bit alike. I consider myself to be an introvert, pretty laid back, but when I want something I'll go for it. I think we may be a bit unusual & that's what frightens people. We say what we mean & act on what we want.

In my case when people see me act boldly for the first time they usually comment saying something about being surprised by my actions. That comment surprises me. I think I'm an open book, say what I mean, do what I say, but I think the surprise comes because people expect that kind of behavior from the obvious extrovert, the loud person who strives for attention. That's not me, but I do stand up for what I believe is right & act on what I think is important.

sunny, yes, diarrhea of the mouth has a lot in common with the compulsive volunteer. I first noticed this with a woman involved with the PTO at the elementary school my boys went to. This woman had a had in everything. She liked the control but she liked the recognition even more.

One funny incident: We pulled up the the school on the night of a musical performance my son was playing in & we see a kid climbing on the outside of the school trying to get on a window ledge to look in (he was about 5 or 6 at the time). The oblivious, do gooder mother is inside working the bake sale, making sure the performace flyers or being handed out properly, recruiting parents for the PTO, on & on. All while the youngest of her 5 children is out playing near traffic & climbing the building. One of her other children was thrown off the school bus for wacking another child over the head with a book.

The compulsive volunteer mother needs to feel important, that people admire her for her sacrifices, likes control, but really it's her kids who sacrifice.

Too late to not get me started! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Well I can tell you that for too many men, the opposite of shy is pushy. Several years back I was on a business trip. A lot of guys take this as carte blanche to "party!!!" (def: find some sex). I've never been this way. When I travelled for business, it was always long days and hard work, and it dosen't take long for one to grow sick of business hotels, bad food, strange beds, and big cities - especially if you are an introvert.

Well, I was just starting a week long trip to Denver and the first day was rather exhausting. Usually, I would have a cocktail with associates, return to my hotel for a hot bath, order room service and read until bedtime. I never go out "partying." But sometime I like to go down to the hotel bar for a nightcap. I did this on this particular evening and decided to take a late light supper there. While I was doing so, a lovely young woman in a business suit sat at the table next to mine. She had the same idea: a quiet dinner and a drink. Well, the poor woman could get no peace! Every couple of minutes some guy would come over trying to chat her up. I watched this absurd peacock dance, completely forgetting the book I'd brought. One guy came back twice (slow learner, I guess). After she'd finally finished her salad and sent horny man number six packing, she noticed that I was regarding her with a sardonic smile. She laughingly said "Are you planning to hit on me too? If so let's get it over with. I've had a long day." I told her that I couldn't because I'd forgot to bring my copy Everyman's Guide to Pickup Lines and wouldn't know where to begin. Holding up my book, I told her I didn't think Sartre would be able to make a Romeo out of me. She laughed and asked if she could buy me a drink. We had dinner the next three evenings and at the last, she gave me a book to thank me for treating her like a lady and "protecting her from all those big, bad wolves." She also gave me somthing else, but we won't talk about that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My point is that being an extrovert isn't always all it's cracked up to be and an introvert can be a breath of fresh air to another introvert.

Hey CUrH,
Where are you when I'm traveling? Ugh, nothing drives me nuts more than it being assumed that since I am a woman sitting alone in a restaurant eating, I need to be hit upon (and I'm talking nice, quiet places - not pick-up clubs). Even when married with rings, didn't matter, they appear out of the woodwork breakfast, lunch and dinner.

So most of the time I do like you - kick back in the room, order room service,a movie, and "spa me" (bath, green masks, pedicure, etc). I do like to try new places though, new food, especially if in a new city, but honestly sometimes it's just not worth it to have to put up with the crap.

LOL...Check! Gotcha...don't want to go to "pushy".

Here's a dilemma I need suggestions for.
At the racetrack, there is a guy I've gotten to know. He comes by our campsite (frequently) and if I'm around he'll stop to talk. He finds me between my races and talks to me. I only race at that track once a month -- so this has been going on for 4 months. We've talked about where we live and getting together away from the track (that was his suggestion and I agreed.) However -- HE HASN'T ASKED FOR MY NUMBER. I'll see him again in a couple weeks.

So, am I making it easier for him if I just give him my card and tell him to call me? Or should I just let him handle it his own way?

Well, he's showing interest, but may be a bit shy about asking for your number. Understand that guys get shot down a lot and some women get down right ugly with men who ask for their number.

Try this. The next time he comes around, invite him to come back that evening for supper and/or a drink. If he does, make sure you give him clear signals you are interested. If by the end of the evening he hasn't asked you out or for your number, give him your card and ask him to call you. If he turns down the invitation, just show a little demure, pouty disapointment, give him your card and ask him to call.

He's just not that into you....


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Or gay.

Or Married.

Or has a girlfriend.

Or...

I will be so glad with this absurd book "He's Not That Into You" is relegated to the BS shelves where it belongs! I've read the excerpts and have decided that its authors are misogynistic charlatans. What this clown is really telling women is that they should accept that men are going to play with them and that they should just get over it for their own good. Rubbish! While I will agree with one of the central premises that women should not sit by the phone pining away over some jerk who is playing her, they certainly should not tolerate this behavior by men.

The primary author is a consultant for the TV program Sex in the City, which is pure fantasy. His book is too.

ROFL....BigGuy!

Well we've gone over some of that.
He SAYS he's not married...He SAYS he has no girlfriend.
He kissed me one night...so he doesn't SEEM gay.

So probably he's just not that into me.....LOL.

I'm plenty busy, so its not gonna kill me one way or another.
In fact, I have date #1 tonight with the guy who's scared! I can't wait! I'm really excited for this one!

By the way, I read the book "he's just not that into you." While I think a lot of it is silly -- it IS very empowering for women! So in that respect I like it.

I don't think we need a book by a comedian to tell us that we need to value ourselves enough to not wait around for someone who disrespects us... I'd say more about this, but don't want to threadjack.

As for "opposite of shy" - I'm betting that's simply confident. If people cannot handle your confidence, then they aren't going to make good friends. Perhaps, though, some of them might say "hey, I wish I could be more like that Lexxy" and you might find them emulating your confidence. Who knows?

I'm constantly reading that men love confident women, while at the same time, I'm advised by some to pretend a lack of knowledge or ability that I don't have (i.e., I CAN do it all by myself), so as to allow a man to feel like he's rescuing me from something. To this I say "HUH?!" While I certainly understand that it is gracious to accept an offer of assistance, I am just as certainly NOT going to become a shrinking violet about stuff like changing my spark plugs if it has to be done.

Just be Lexxy ... but if you respect the person/people telling you that you intimidate them, try to get them to tell you exactly what it is that makes them feel that way. If it's something that you can adjust and you are ENTHUSED about doing so, by all means, give it a try. I think that sometimes people use boldness as a shield to keep people at arm's length - which is not something we want to do, is it?

CS