Found out about A one week ago. She has now been with OM for 2 weeks. We have been married 17 years with 4 children. She says that he could be her soul mate that she has always wondered about the entire 17 years. She feels he is the right one for her and even if she was to come back to me she would always wonder "what if". We are selling the house I am filing for legal seperation and custody. Have went to plan B and cut off all contact. She has finally admitted what I have asked her the entire 17 years. Do you really love me and want to be married? Now she says that she has not given 100% to me because she has always wondered what would have happened if we were not married at 19. It hurts to know she is giving someone else the very thing I have longed for this whole time. I can't help thinking nothing good can come of this A because they met at a bar and went to a hotel to have sex the first night. I would feel so much better if I knew for sure the A would end someday. How long before she will snap out of fanticy land?

How long? It's hard to say but I feel for you and it's not only because I'm in almost the same place it's because I know the hurt you are experiencing right now. Wife goes to bar, guy in bar pursues wife, affair starts, husband (that's me) confronts and she admits it, 1 month later and she is still confused. She vacillates (that's a new word I've learned from all of this) between me and him. The most complex and biggest problem is getting the fog to lift. Look at my other post here as I've gotten some great advice. The best being "exposure". Tell her friends, family, etc. about the affair in a loving way and it just may break the affair. I'm not ready for that yet but you seem to be more ready to charge forward. You are battling the same problem I am, the affair is new. Neither of them are saying or doing things as they normally would and it's just that, they are living in a fantasy world.

YES! Expose her.

In my state adultery is still a crime, and is grounds for an immediate divorce.

If you get custody AND can limit her contact to the kids... if her parents realize that she went to a bar and slept with the creep that FIRST night... The fantasy world she's living in will start to crumble.

Light destroys the fantasy.

BTW - Don't believe a single word of what she's telling you, H&S. It's affectionately referred to as "fog-babble." ALL WS's use the exact same script.

Stand up, do the right thing. If you need to divorce her for your own safety, and or for the safety/security of the kids, do so, but don't abandon her. She's in the trows of a psychological addiction. This is when YOUR vows really matter. She's broken hers, but she can't do anything about it now, only you can restore her to the marriage after the fog has lifted enough to recognize what she's throwing away.

This is the right place for you - keep posting.

God Bless!

I did expose her and her family are totally disgusted in her. She does not care who knows. She is going to do what ever she wants. That is why I went right to Plan B She runs and talks with this guy every chance she gets. Even when she was in our home. She says he has insight. (Yuck) She knows I love her and had already made a HUGE life change 3 weeks before A. My plan is to stay focused on church, scripture study, kids and getting through the move. I am very scared of what lies ahead and my faith is being tested everyday. I am extremely grateful for MB website. Lots of good info. I figure once the house sells and the kids and I are on our own I will start cutting her off of the insurance, cell phone and medical. The OM has been divorced 3 times and now lives at home. Not bad at 37.

Man I hear you. My WW has been in the fog now for 2 months. when I exposed after 1 week the same thing happened. She started off by running and then returning to me only to cake eat. When that didn't work she wanted to run again so bad she just made me angry enough (leaving love letters for me to find ect..)to kick her out.That's where we are now she is sleeping on her sisters couch and looking for an apartment. I am left to pick up the pieces and sell the house ect.. I hear the same crap. "He is charming" yuck. A-hole has been seperated for awhile and wants to destroy someone elses marriage, how charming!! sorry to say this but the ws is lost until contact with om ends. If it doesn't this crap just continues. At least that's been my experience so far. I can't really plan B because I have to sell the house and that requires some contact. She now thinks she is in love and does not care what anyone thinks.
Anyway. Be strong for the kids you will make it man.

Good job on the exposure. My wife told me her ex-con, 5 years in the pen, uneducated, married with kids OM had "insight...was a romantic...played songs for her...wrote poetry for her...soulmate...totally opposite of you..." All that crap. Now she's embarrassed about it.

I hope you can have similar results. My wife acted like her fog had lifted for about 30 days after NC, then she admitted to me when it actually lifted and life is getting much better.

Best of luck.