Good evening,
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do when your spouse won't follow the POJA? I recently found this website and I think it is a great resource. My wife and I have been having marriage problems and it stems around money. I want to budget and save and she wants to spend with reckless abandon, without a second thought to my feelings. She is a very controlling woman and I'm constantly insulted verbally and told I'm not a good husband. She did not grow up in a good home environment and quite frankly her mother was that way with her father. He bent over backwards and worked three jobs all in the name of trying to be a good husband and their marriage failed. I fear the same thing. We have been married almost five years and I'm tired of the controlling.

This is where the policy of joint agreement would really benefit our marriage...at least I think so. I am a good husband and good provider. I am the sole breadwinner and I think money should be spent in a responsible manner. I'm tired of being pushed around and I think the POJA would help us both in our marriage. Trouble is, in all honesty the policy would work in my best interests but it would be a terrible thing from her perspective. It would mean the selfish spending and controlling would have to stop. I have no problems with negotiating. I'm pretty sure she would see me using the POJA as a means to keep her from buying or doing things. She would think that I would use it to my advantage.

Is there any hope for me and my marriage? I would like to think she would consider the POJA but I'm very doubtful because she would have the most to lose. I don't have anything to lose because she takes it all from me....my money, dignity, respect, ect...Is there any way to convince a spouse (wife in my case) to agree to this?

I have felt very depressed about this and I've had thoughts of suicide creeping in my head. I feel like my soul is bleeding if that makes any sense.

Enigmatic


If your marital problems are such that you are contemplating suicide then you need immediate professional help. This board does not have the resources to help you with what you need. It might be that your relationship is so toxic that you need a guided strategy to get you out or it might be there there is some other biological issue that is compromising your ability to cope with the situation in a way that does not threaten your saftey.

Please contact a professional counselor and let him or her know of the suicidal feelings and depression that you're experiencing. Until you do that, POJA isn't going to help you - MB isn't going to help you. Prioritize your health and saftey above your marital problems.

I wish you the best,

Mys

Hi enigmatic.

Welcome.

If you are being verbally abused and controlled, then you need to address that first. Your instincts are right; POJA doesn't work with abusive situations. A good place for you to to start might be the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. The book "Boundaries" migth also be helpful.

If you are truly are feeling suicidal, please do see a professional...we are all just folks here, and that's beyond our scope. But we can offer friendship and a listening ear.

Kathi

Don't mean to hijack the thread
Kathi, who is the author of Boundaries? Curious, I want to read these books.
Thanks

I have another book for you to consider: "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" by Harley. Another one is "Love Busters".

Actually, the POJA is the answer to abuse. It took just two words of mine for it to be implemented in our marriage: "Move out."
Cherished

12/17/01 My husband broke my arm when I threatened to call the woman with whom in fact he was having an affair. This action did not come out of the blue. He had been verbally and physically abusing me for years.

Boundaries is by Townsend and Cloud.