I'm new to the MB but have been browsing for a while now.

I've been taking meds for about a year now for depression which is what I believe was the start of this nighmare. My WW and I have been in and out of MC since the A 3 years ago. It's been a long, long road. 2 months ago we filed bankruptsy. My WW's grandfather has been ill since July and has only gotten worse over the past 3 weeks. She has been spending most of her time with him and her grandmother. I know that she is going through a really rough time and don't want to seem callous, but it hasn't been a cake walk for me either. She went back to school for her masters degree last year and classes have started back up for the year. Yeah, she's got a lot of pokers in the fire.

Earlier this week my WW told me that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs and that she feels that I will never be able to do so. She told me that she wants to get a D. I tried to convince her that we could get through this but she insisted that things were not any better and that she doesn't want to be married anymore. I reminded her that we had a great summer and that everything that's going on is just overwhelming her, but she insisted that we need to get a D.

We have 3 great children (7, 5, and 2) and they're just as concerned. I know that they know that something is going on. We are going to loose everything. The house, the pets, everything. She wants to share custody but I'm very scared and angry right now. I said some realy hatefull things in the heat of the moment that I shouldn't have and feel really sorry. I left the house yesterday and called to appologize. We agreed to have them a week at a time. I get to have them on Sunday for my week at the house. I'm lost. I don't think she really knows what she wants right now.

What should I do?

Hi sharky,

Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB - it is a good place to be under the circumstances.

I'm not the best one to advise you on how to fix your M, as I was not able to fix mine. For reasons that are clear now, but not then. I would suggest that whatever happens, there will be clarity for you in time. Maybe now, maybe not. But you can only do what's in your control.

So, meanwhile read everything here on the MB board. Check in with the GCII forum for infidelity as that forum focuses on that, and gets lots of traffic.

Try to meet her EN's - as best you can if you are separated.

Work on yourself and on getting your life together. Get counseling for yourself, and make sure you take care of yourself. Eat decently. Make sure you sleep - if you can't sleep, take Tylenol PM or something so you are not sleep deprived (which makes everything more difficult). If necessary, get anti-depressants from your doctor. Right now taking care of yourself should be a priority.

Come here to these boards for support rather than trying to dump on your spouse.

Don't assume you will lose everything - it may not play out that way.

Geez - I'm sure there are millions of other things I should say... but am not thinking of.

Oh yeah, there isn't much traffic here on weekends, and especially not on holiday weekends.

Take care!

Sharky,
Deja Vu made some good points. Read everything here on the MB website (not just discussion forums). Have you downloaded the "Emotional Needs" questionnaire? You may want to do that. Here's a link: EN Questionnaire

Have you apologized to your wife for this? You need to say it, and mean it. Don't give her any reason to have more negative feelings towards you. This also sounds like you have already moved out - is this correct?

Again, don't jump ahead of things. But if your wife is talking about divorce, or even separation, you need to know the laws of your state regarding this. Go to these links:Divorce Source, Divorce Net and click on your state-specific info. I'm not sure how a bankruptcy might affect things for you, but be familiar with your state's laws so you can know how to stand for your marriage.

Would it be possible for you and your wife to sit down and have a civil conversation without any overreactions? Have you acknowledged TO HER that you realize she has a lot of things going on right now (g'father illness, school, bankruptcy)? This is not the best time for her to make life-changing decisions. If there was a way for you to convey that to her in a loving way, maybe it would forestall her idea about this separation.

First of all, thank you Deja Vu and Avondale25 for taking the time to read my post. I moved out yesterday. The arrangement that we've made is that one of us will stay at the house each week, switching out on Sundays. I'm staying with my parents.

I have appologized, but I don't think it had any impact. We are going to talk on Sunday when it's my turn to stay with the kids. Among other things, she has to travel later in the month and will be gone the week she is suppose to be with the kids. I don't know what is fair. Again, I have a lot of anger right now for the situation we're in right now.

Thanks for the EN Questionair. I'll go there. I will have a civil conversation with her when we get together on Sunday. By then I'll have had some time to process everything.

Again, Thanks!

Trying to keep the faith...

Is this because 1)You get angry a lot, or 2) She's heard your apologies before and what you apologized for hasn't changed, or 3) She's hurt by some action(s) on your part and can't see past her own hurt, or 4) she enjoys holding a grudge? Or maybe something else or a combination of the above?


Perhaps splitting the week before and after the week she is gone would work, or you could do the obvious and just change entire weeks - but this would get you "off" your schedule and could be perceived by her as unfair to her.


We are all hurt and angry at some point. But you have mentioned this twice, so it causes me to wonder if anger is an emotion you sincerely have trouble dealing with. Please do some thinking about this. If you need to vent, do it here at MB. Some people write "letters" to their spouse but never mail them (of course!) just to get the emotions out. That way you aren't making any LB (love buster) mistakes.

Use this weekend to consider what you want to say to your wife. Write down the points you want to make to her. Reiterate your love for her and your desire to work through this rough spot, and that you realize she has a lot going on and shouldn't make any major decisions. Make a vow to yourself that nothing she says will make you raise your temper. If she has gripes about your behavior, really take note of this. And read up on Plan A & B - you might need to start implementing them.

Time for a plan A, Sharky. Tell her you have heard her about not meeting her EAs and you want to get this right. Tell her that you respect her decision (not approve of, but only respect), but that you'd like her to take no action on a divorce for six months because she already has too much to handle just now and adding a divorce is only going to make matters far worse, not just for her, but for everyone around her.

You wife is running. She is overwhelmed not only because of her grandfather's illness, but because she has taken on too much. There is not possible way she is thinking clearly right now. Usually when people do this it is because they are trying to avoid something painful. It sounds like your wife has some work to do on herself. Unfortunately, this has to be her choice and there's not much you can do about it.

People here usually jump me when I tell others this, but it doesn't make it any less true. Women do not get angry and say "I want a divorce." By the time they actually say those words, they have been thinking about it for a long time and have made up their minds. They are finished and don't really care about what you can/will do to prevent it from happening. Women emotionally divorce their husbands long before they go for the legal divorce. It is usually impossible to change their minds. As much as your heart and mind are screaming "no, no, no!", you must begin to mentally prepare yourself for a divorce. The spouse who doesn't want a divorce has one of the hardest jobs in the world. He/she has to walk a very fine line of trying to prevent the divorce and accepting it at the same time. And you have to do all this with a smile on your face and with a gentle spirit while your hear is breaking.

Having said this, there is always a chance that she can be turned from this path and you have to try everything you can. Your children are at the absolute worst ages to have to go through a divorce.

Just curious - where does this come from? As an anecdote - my H wanted the D, and I moved out. Since then the realizations I've had about our marriage have convinced me the D is the right thing, and I'm now the one pushing to get it done. Your paragraph above is true for me. I have now come to the decision that I want a D, and there is nothing he could say or do that would change my mind.

When you ask where it comes from, do you mean what's the psychology or why do I believe this? The latter answer is easy: it's just the way it is and I learned this by reading a book on female psychology of marriage and divorce. My MT confirns that this is the way female minds work.

The answer to the former question is really one of the venus and mars comparisons. You say that your H wanted the divorce, but he didn't take any action on it did he? It is you who are now pushing the process forward because you have thought carefully about it and have made up your mind: you want a divorce and "and there is nothing he could say or do that would change [your] mind. You see, there is every possibility that your H really didn't want a divorce, but opened his big mouth and painted himself into a corner. Men will often, in a fit of anger or frustration, say something like "ah, to h*ell with this! I'm finished with this #(%*&@! I'm filing for divorce!" But they rarely do -- only about 22% of the time.

The reason for the difference in men's and women's thinking on this is that men live in a world of conflict. Increasingly, so are women, which may be a factor in why the divorce rate skyrocketed when women entered the workplace. Men may not like conflict, but we deal with it and then let it go. Women, at least in my experience, will not tolerate conflict. Everytime a man and his wife have a conflict, she makes a permenant mental record of it. The effect is cumulative. After she has experienced whatever her tolerance is, she will no longer feel emotionally safe and her love for her husband dies (or at least is ignored). She's finished - really finished, and the overwhelming majority of the time, nothing will change her mind. This why men make a tragic mistake in not working to resolve conflicts early on and do their part to prevent further ones from occuring. He's thinking "she'll get over it" and he couldn't be more wrong. Most of the techniques taught on this site are designed to promote healthy communication, meeting of needs, and avoiding behaviors that diminish the marital bond, thereby decreasing the chance of serious conflict.

That describes aabsolutely how I am feeling right now. I have begged my husband to not get into these fits of rage over nothing, explained how it just chips away at my feelings for him and that each time it happens, I have a more difficult time bouncing back. The last 5 times it happened I said "this is it". Well, I am really feeling like I have been pushed beyond repair. It just took one more time and something clicked inside me that, I do not want him near me. It is so sad because when he's good, he's great, when he's bad he's horrific. I think I'm at the end, even though he has promised to get back into counseling. But I truly don't think it matters because there have been so many apologies, maybe a change of attitude for 2 days max then back to the same thing. When is it enough? Poor kids that have to go through this. That's what makes me the most sad.

I want to thank everyone for reading this post. I appologize for not getting back sooner, however this past Saturday my W's grandfater passed away. As soon as I got the call I didn't even hesitate going to stay with the kids. To make matters worse, her whole family is upset at her for what is going on between us. My W says that I turned them against her, but nothing can be farther from the truth. A couple of days ago I was asked to come over with the kids. As you recall I got to stay with them starting Sunday. I had a long talk with her parents. They told me that the 4 of us needs to have a sit down and try to make it work. I know that we've both done things to eachother to get to where we are, but I think what checkurheart said about her making up her mind a long time ago is right on. When she had the A 3 yrs ago she told me she wanted a D. I think we were probably kidding ourselves thinking that I was going to make any difference. We both went through A LOT of counsling. I believe that her grandfather was the final straw.

I have been trying to meet her EN's but I find it difficult when she is never around or I don't feel it's the right time to talk about us in front of the kids. We've both missed the boat when it comes to making time for us. I'm not an overly emotional person. I am very easy going. She on the other hand has trouble letting go and sometimes that puts me back in the time of the A. I just see history repeting itself.

Today was the funeral and I had numberous relatives (her's) that came up to me and offering their help. In the 13 years that we've been together (M for 9) I think that my true colors would have surfaced. All I'm saying is that I don't think I'm THAT good of an actor. I am who I am around whomever I'm around.

Anyway, sorry for the long disertation. My father in law told me to get an Attorney so I'm in the process of trying to find one now. I don't think the D is going to be pretty.

Thanks everyone.

[color:"blue"]Sharky [/color]
As you go through the next phase of whatever your situation becomes, please keep posting here. You will find great support and sounding boards for things you're going to go through, that we all have experienced earlier.

Thanks av. I'll keep plugging away.