I'm new to this site, but have been relieved to see that I am not the only one in this situation.

About a month and a half ago I found out that my husband was seeing a woman that he works with. According to him, their involvement was more emotional than physical. He said he could talk to her and liked the attention that she gives him. He has flip flopped several times as to what he wants, to stay or to go. Finally, we decided to try and make the marriage work. He had assured me that this thing with the OW was over. However, several times in the past few weeks, I have caught him lying or withholding information that pertains to this woman. To make matters worse, she is continueing to pursue him and making harrassing phone calls to me. I want to believe that he is not doing anything to encourage this behavior, but I have terrible trust issues. I know in order to move forward, I must learn to trust him again but I don't know how. My mind starts to get out of control when he's late or if he says he's going out with the guys. I feel very suspicious all the time. All of that kind of behavior and emotion is very uncharacteristic of me. I want to trust him, begin to rebuild our marriage, and return to that confident woman I once was. If anyone has any advice, please send it my way. In the meantime, I will continue to read the information on this site and hope for the best. Thanks everyone and have a great day!

Good Morning,

Sorry to read your post. Yes, we have all been here and you have come to a place of great help and knowledge...you are not alone!

Trust is something your H will need to "earn" with you again.
He needs to tell you his every move etc. It might take years, so he needs to start now.

Read everything you can here. His choice for the A is not your fault. You may have marrital issues, but again, he chose to go outside your marriage for one or more of his needs instead of communicating with you. I also have many books I can recommend if you are interested.

Have you talked of MC? It is also a great start to find out why your marriage was vunerable to an A.

Has your H told her NO CONTACT? If so, were you witness to it. MB has a plan called a "no contact letter" (states you and your H love each other and are working on your marriage etc). Read the information here and then have your H write it with your approval and send it to her. It is you and your H against the OP. She needs to know if she continues her harrassment you will obtain a restraining order or legal action of some sort.

Your H will go through the ups and downs. She is IMOP, considered a drug that makes him "feel good". Hard to give up and come home to a BS who doesn't trust him. You are basically dealing with a sick person so care for him. Read Plan A and use it to the max.

I am sorry that even with all the pain you are going through you will need to continue to be a "loving and caring" wife. But it will be your choice to stay and work on the marriage and in time with your H's cooperation you will succeed in keeping your marriage and put up boundaries so no further attacks on your marriage occur.

If I can help any further, just ask. There are so many here wiser than myself.

I have been through this twice with my H (had two mini PA's only 2 years apart).

You will be kept in my prayers and I will check on you soon,

holiday

Welcome to marriage builders. I am sorry that you find yourself here, but know that you will find a wealth of information.

First, you are still in the very beginning of recovery, so please do not expect to get that trust back anytime soon. Your H has to EARN it back, and if he is still being deceitful at all, he is not earning it back.

You need to INSIST on no contact(NC) and then ask him to provide proof that there has been none. All his email account passwords, cell phone bills, being able to install a keylogger on the computer without him knowing how to disable it, maybe even more...if you feel like he is still lying. He should tell you EVERY time the OW approaches, calls, or even looks at him. He should share what he is feeling...and you need to be strong enough to hear that he misses her, and thank him for telling you.

For the most part, the trust will come back very slowly. A small piece at a time. If your H truly shows a strong remorse, and becomes radically honest with you, it will come back quicker. I think, though, this is the one area in the marriage that may never be stronger than it was before you found out...and maybe it shouldn't be.

Does your H realize what he has done? Does he show remorse? A good book for you guys to read in "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will probably amazes you(and your H) that most affairs occur in a very similar manner and WS seem to follow a "script". My H also had an affair with a coworker...and she was the same kind of woman you have...one that went after my H and told him all kinds of wonderful things and how I did not deserve him...blah, blah, blah. This book, really gave me an insight into not only my H's behavior, but why the OW could be such a pathetic slut. It helped me see that I was so much more.

You guys should also consider counseling. Find a good counselor. People on here suggest a pro-marriage counselor, but I actually went with someone who in the very beginning said that "if I feel there is no hope, I will tell you and will not waste your time". I needed someone to tell me some of the things that I already believe, but did not want someone who was so pro-marriage that they convinced be to stay in a marriage that I would be miserable with my whole life.

I hope that answered some of your questions. Please also know that this site slows down on the weekend. It is always more active over in the general questions board...but even there can be slow on the weekend.

Keep strong, keep posting, keep reading(and the APPLY what you have read), and take care of yourself!

I wish you the best.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your husband can't continue working with her since this line has been crossed. He needs to get another job.

Is the other woman married?

To give him credit where credit is due, he has admitted that he will have to earn my trust again...and he is trying in some cases. However, every time that we begin to make some progress, another bomb is dropped such as I stumble on love letters from her or a voice mail. I have admitted that I have snooped (the first time in our marriage of 10 years) and he was infuriated by this. He was so angry that he said we were done and that he would be moving out. Once he calmed down, we talked again and started to move forward. Then the OW started calling my cell phone...I guess to give me a heads up that she was still in the picture. These are the kinds of things that keep coming up. Then, just a few days ago, I received a nasty call...the woman called me a very nasty name, said I didn't deserve him, and she hopes I die. He confronted her and she said she had nothing to do with it. He refused to see the connection. It makes me feel like he defends her every action.

As far as the marriage counseling, he refuses. He had just finished his own counseling as he suffers from depression. I said we need help and guidance as to where to start. He still refuses. In addition, I feel the need to talk about our issues and he said last night that he gets tired of talking about it. I have no idea what to do. I am depressed and turning into a person that I hate. It makes me a terrible Mom to our two little girls.

As far as the NO Contact...well, my husband is active duty military and his commander found out what was going on and issued a no contact order. However, even aftet that order was issued, the contact continued. He is not only jeopardizing his family but also his career. He said that he sent a message through a friend to tell her "No contact means no contact" but it still continued. Next, he called her (so he says) and told her the same thing again, but it still continued. I had asked to be present during this conversation, but he refused. Next, after the harrassing phone call the other day, he approached her in a public place and asked her if she was behind it. He says he has been making himself clear, but he never tells her that he is working on saving his marriage and that she needs to remove herself from the situation. I don't even know that he is even trying to break it off with her as I have not witnessed any of it. I did take measures to have both my and my husband's cell phone numbers changed and requested that he not give out these numbers only to those who need them.

I know this is long and I do apologize. We have recently moved to the area and I have very few friends. The few friends that I do have he doesn't like me to discuss this with them because he doesn't want them to have ill feelings towards him. I'm very lonely, very confused, and very depressed. I just feel like the shell of the person I once was.

Many thanks to you and please feel free to offer any advice...I am open to any suggestions.

You're right...I do realize this is just the beginning and it will take time. I just wish he would be honest about the whole thing all at once instead of dropping a bomb here and a bomb there. I feel like I am starting to move past this...the wound is beginning to heal a little and then he just dumps more salt in it with these little bombs of his. I don't understand why he can't see that the deception hurts me so much more than the honesty.

I have begged for no contact...please see my post to holiday where I explained that whole mess. As far as proving to me that there is no contact, he is in some ways. He explains to me who calls when his cell phone rings...he calls from work several times a day to let me know what he is doing, he allows me access to the cell phone bills. He offers to relinquish passwords, etc, but says that he will be offended if I insist on checking it all out. He made a huge fuss about me taking his car the other day when I asked which is unusual because it never mattered before. Are there things in his car that I shouldn't see? I try to get him to open up and let his walls down (we have been hurting each other for at least a year now and we both have those barriers to break), but he gets frustrated that I always want to talk about it (HER)...he says she is not his major concern to rebuilding this marriage. I agree with him to some end...even if this hadn't have happened, we still would have issues to work out. Her interference in our lives is one obstacle that he could remove if he really wanted to.

You also hit on something that is concerning me...the OW and how much I hate her...I have never even met the woman and I just want to hurt her and I am not that type of person at all. I don't understand a woman that would knowingly want to break up a family. In some of the letters that I read from her, she stated how she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with him...they have only known each other a few months and he says that he has said nothing to indicate to her that that would be the case if he did leave me...is this odd to anyone but me????? I figure that she is either a real nut job or he is encouraging this kind of behavior. He shows some remorse but not to the extent that he should. I am a very strong woman and he has crushed me...and he knows this...I've lost weight, I have done nothing but cry nearly everyday for the past several months...and in front of the children to boot...when I'm not crying, I just want to sleep. All these things are not me at all...I am usually a confident, sexy, stay at home mom of two that keeps on going long after the day has ended. It's very obvious how affected I am by all of this, but he doesn't seem to acknoweledge it to the degree that I think he should.

I agree with the marriage counseling but he refuses. In my post to holiday, I explained that situation.

I know this is long and I apologize. Thank you for your thoughts and feel free to keep sending them my way.

He has no choice but to continue working with this woman as he is active duty military and we just started this assignment in June. The assignment will probably last 3-4 years. She works in the hospital with him, but on another floor. As I replied to holiday, his commander found out what was going on and issued a no contact order, but I know it has been ignored by her as she has continued to initiate contact. He claims that he has not been initiating any contact except the few times I know about, but I keep catching him in lies so I don't really know for sure.

From what my H has told me, the OW is recently divorced...within the last year, I think. She has a couple of kids...that's how I found out...I went out for an evening and he had her over with her 2 year old. My 5 year old daughter caught them "hugging and kissing and touching and stuff" (her exact words)and told me about it the next morning when we were getting ready for summer preschool. Nice, huh?

Any advice, thoughts, etc would be greatly appreciated.

Okay first, right now BREATHE!!!!!

You are not grounded and granted, how could you be?
Second, control (as much as possible) your emotional outbursts in front of your babies. Let them know you and Daddy care very much about them, but Mommy is just been a little sad these days and she WILL get better.

Third, sorry to tell you this. The OW behavior is due to the fact that you WH is still in contact with her and she feels she still has a chance. TOO BAD that your investigating and questioning upsets him. He started this and he needs to finish this.

I would gather any and all past and present information from the OW and give it to his commander immediately. He needs to know she is violating his order. My girlfriend was in the Air Force and I just spoke to her and she says definitely do this. If he looses his post/command it will be his own fault. Maybe he should request a transfer.

His vehicle, his email, his cell should all be an open book to you and again, too bad, too sad if it this "offends" him...have you not been "offended" by his behavior.

If he continues to refuse MC, go yourself. Knowledge is the best defense.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You will become an even stronger person (woman) believe it or not in the end.

holiday

Whew! You could be me in so many ways. My WH also had an affair with a woman at work -- lasting for more than a year. I think I always knew, but didn't want to believe it -- the whole "he's too good; too honorable" nonsense. What people tell you here is absolutely true. You must sit him down and tell him point blank that he has lost your trust and until he earns it back, you WILL be "snooping" -- watching his every move. Whether this infuriates him or not is irrelevant. If the marriage is salvageable, EVERYTHING must be out in the open, and he needs to understand your NEED to have it that way.

Second, he MUST write her a "no contact" letter. It must spell it out in no uncertain terms that he is finished with her, that she is NOT to contact him OR you again, and that if she does, he will report it to the commandant. A copy of this letter should be filed with the commandant. I only wish that I had had the military option in my situation. The OW continues to harass me -- FOUR YEARS AFTER THE FACT. She calls here and spews her venom. If my husband picks up, she hangs up. There has been NO contact from my husband -- on the three occasions that she has emailed him, he forwards the emails to me along with a copy of an automatic response email that he has set up to her saying, "We are over. I adore my wife. I wish you the best. Respectfully, J" Do I check up on him? Absolutely -- EVERY SINGLE DAY -- I check his email, his cell phone, and his car. Do I trust him? Yes, I do -- it's HER I don't trust.

Finally, I know what you mean about the hatred of the OW. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished her dead (and worse). There was a long period of time when I wished I could think of ways to hurt her -- BAD -- and get away with it. She destroyed my world -- nearly drove me to suicide because of her pursuit of my husband. (Yes, she as admitted that she was the pursuer and she "wore him down". She claims that she "can do it again, given the chance." What she doesn't know is that her harassment of me has backfired in a BIG way -- my husband kisses my feet in gratitude for my "saving him from her".

Insist on NC, do it NOW. You are in my prayers.

The only reason people lie or become offended when you start snooping into their things is when they have something to hide. My H did not like that I snooped, I mean I realize no one wants to be treated with mistrust, but he realized that he had no rights anymore when it came to his privacy.

Listen to all the other things people have told you also. Do not be afraid to expose this affair to everyone. WS do not like to be humiliated, they do not want people to know how selfish and insensitive they were to their spouse, but exposure is the key to ending it!

Also, I have read so many things that state that MC is a MUST! If your H is refusing to do WHATEVER he can to make this up to you, I would question whether he wants to really work on the marriage. Read up on Plan A and B...and apply them when needed.

Pleas take care.

True