oh this is going to be long. I have been married for 5 1/2 years, 3 yr old son and 8 yr old daughter. I've known my husband for over 15 yrs. He grew up with a very verbally abusive father. When we married there were small signs of control but I didn't heed them. We are both successful people, he has a very good job, I work one day a week as a nurse and stay at home the rest of the time. We have no reason to be unhappy. We are both faithful, but here is the problem. Early on in our marriage, there was horrible verbal abuse and some physical. I have been hit in the face twice, picked up and carried like under his arm, (while pregnant), dirty looks ALL the time over really nothing. Called a ****** while I was taking a bath......pregnant....finger marks on the back of my arms that someone pointed out to me at a wedding when I had a strapless dress on. As I write this I see how severe it was. We went for counseling and I blew the lid to his parents what was going on. They actually payed for the counseling because they knew the cause of it was his own father. Same pattern. The counseling helped greatly, no more physical abuse. 3 years go by and here we are now. This is what happens and what I need input on is if I am seeing it clearly or maybe I am the problem. I need someone elses view point. The other night was hectic, as I took our daughter to soccer, I started supper before and my husband came home from golf and finished supper. The one thing I should mention is if he does anything helpful, he always expects something in return, a sincere thank you is not enough....you'll see why. So we eat supper and he was happy and I was talking to my daughter about her day and she said she gave her dollar bill to a little girl who didn't have enough money to buy a used book at a book sale. I asked her whyshe didn't buy one for herself and she said she didn;t find any she liked, but that her friend didn't bring any money so she shared hers. That my daughter. She is me.I politely explained to her that she was very thoughtful and kind but giving money away is a touchy thing and next time maybe just say I better return the money to my Mom since I didn't find a book I wanted. Whatever. My husband freaks. Lectures her how the world is in a bad place and she cant give money to these people and blah blah blah. I agree with it all but she is 8 and doesn't understand the world's issues.....And to me I'm thinking, what's a dollar, when he spends [censored] on golf and beer and cigarettes. Anyway, he gets done with his lecture and she goes to her room and was reading and he calls her back to the table and starts in again with the same lecture and all of a sudden he grabs this balloon she had in her hands and rips it away and throws it across the room. She starts crying and he says she was not listening to him. Her heart was broken and I was beyond mad. She went back to her room and I told him he is out of line, that he owes her a big apology and he better knock it off. He apologizes to her, confuses her more now by telling her she can give her money away.... So, then he gets in a better mood again, I am bathing the kids, helping with homework trying to get them to bed by a decent time. Our boy was crying and tired and I go to give him a snack because he didn't eat much for supper and he wouldnt eat the snack. All of a sudden, the mood changes and my husband is mister evil again. Like something switched in his brain. He looks at me, gives the boy a bite of his snack and goes, I can get him to eat, that's funny, his own mother can't but I can". I say nothing, knowing this is getting bad, and then he says, "go tuck ....... in bed and I'll take care of him. Well, I'm shocked because he never offers any help at bedtime. So, I go back and get out daughter settled in bed, and I go get my pajamas on and wash my face and he comes back, not even 10 minutes have passed, and freaks. He asks what the ****** I'm washing my face for??? CAn't I see that our boy is tired???? (I thought he offered to help) So I go "I thought you said you were taking care of him", I then go to take our son and my husband walks away so I can't touch the boy and IN FRONT OF OUR SON says, "I don't want you to touch him". WHAT!!!!!!!!!! So I simply say nothing and he starts bantering me about the kids how I can never get them to be by a decent time, my goal is 9pm because Ican't get it done any faster with no help.....he sits in his chair, or outside drinking his beer, I get no help but I don't complain because I can do it. Anway, like I said he just goes off with insults. I get the boy to bed and I go to my room and crawl in bed to watch tv and he comes back there and does not know what my problem is, I say you are verbally abusive, he said he didn't say anything wrong, he didn't even remember what he said. Is this abuse?????

this is a known fact, read up on Dr. Harley's material on AO, angry outbursts, and you will get a glimpse of what is going on from inside the other person's head.

I suggest some counseling to learn to deal with some coping skills, that include leaving when requesting not to be yelled at, etc. . . and the IC can clarify and support your questions. . .

yes, I would agree with it, but i don't know enough background, your strengths, your resourcefulness, etc to give specific behaviors with which to respond to your H's VA.

post to FHCJandDD

they might have some experiential answers.

wiftty