Well here it goes this is my first post on this website but I am really emotionally worn out and need advice about what to do. So here's my story, In June me and my W started having problems and at first she told me that she needed more from me but a week later she said she needed space. Well at that time was trying to juggle both of them and toward the end of June she said she went and looked at an apartment. Well for people reading this you might think that are marriage must really be bad. The thing is that me and my wife have always loved each other truly liked each other as well. We have nearly never fought about anything in are marriage until now. Well in the middle of July it was D-day time, when I found a note from another man. Of course at first I said it was over and went through all of those motions and she had told me that we had bigger issues in our marriage. She would not tell me anything really about the affair or about the other man but I pretty much knew who it was. The only thing she was willing to tell me was that it wasn't sexual. A day went by after D-day and I realized my past mistakes in not meeting her needs emotionally so I told her that I wanted to work it out. She told me that she needed time to fix herself before she could fix us. Well a few days went by and I did some research on marriage, intimacy, needs and personal growth and I did giver space not hounding questions. I then left and went to my parent's house for a week and planned on not talking to her but she kept calling me. She had decided that she was going to get this apartment that she looked at because as before she told me that it’s a step she missed in here life which is living on her own. At this time though she still would not talk to me about the affair and I still new that they were still talking. For the apartment ordeal she went back and forth for a week until she actually left on Aug 12. She also told me that she had broken it off with the OM because it was one of my requests if me and her were going to keep communicating. Well I should have known better because they were still talking however was still telling me that she missed me and she loved me. About two weeks later I had confronted her with the evidence that I had for who the person was and she finally admitted to who it was and said that his wife knew, but I didn't believe it. I called his wife and her know what was going on and she didn't know but had suspected. That was almost two weeks ago and my w has answered most of my questions about the affair and has told me that she is in love with the other man, but has told me from day one that she doesn't want a divorce right away. She says she loves everything about me but those feelings are not there; however she gives me little signals that they could be and that she does care about me. As for right now I am giving her time to figure out her feelings and if she wants to work at our marriage but I don't know how much more I can take. I now know what I neglected to do in our marriage as far as her needs go because for the year and half all I have did go to work and school and in between that we moved across the world.

Should I keep giving her time or should I just walk away?

If anyone could please give me some advice I would appreciate it.

Hi Toby, it sounds like you are on the right track without even being aware of it. I would not walk away as you are probably already headed towards the last gasps of the affair. You have done the most important thing, which was notify the OM's wife. Exposure is ruinous to an affair and you have already started that process. An affair is a fantasy which cannot survive the light of day. If they are still in contact, I would continue to expose to others, ie: her family, your family and close friends. Stay in touch with the OM's wife to ensure that contact is ended. If you do those things, you greatly increase the chances that the affair will die quickly.

In the meantime, read up on Plan A. Plan A is a plan designed to bust up the affair by exposing it, avoiding lovebusters and meeting your W's needs. You are already doing much of this.

A good book that can guide you through the pitfalls is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. I would run to the bookstore and read it this weekend. If your bookstore doesn't have it, they sell it on this website.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to MB'ers! You have found a great place for advice and support in rebuilding your marriage. There are lots of good people here - just remember that we are all 'just folks' - not professionals. You may get many different POV's. It will be your job to 'take what helps and leave the rest'.

First thing - read everything available here. Make sure you understand the Basic Concepts, EN's (Emotional Needs) and LB'ers (Love Busters). It is generally advised that you should strive to eliminate LB'ers first. LB'ers drain love faster than you cna build it. When you get LB'ers under control then you you should work on meeting EN's.

Infidelity really complicates the relationship. Dr Harley has a proven plan (actually a two part plan) for ending affairs and rebuilding marriages. But, IMO, it ain't a D-I-Y project. You should seriously consider calling the Harleys for phone counseling and MB'er coaching. There is a link at the top of the page.

Briefly, Dr Harley's plans for dealing with infidelity are called Plan A and Plan B. These plans involve dealing with LB'ers. meeting EN's and exposing the affair. Many have difficulty with the exposure part. It has to be done with the right intention. Not out of spite to inflict hurt on your spouse but to bring the affair to the 'light of day' as these things thrive on secrecy.

Of course 'walking away' is always an option. And I don't think anyone would fault you if that is your decision. But, there are many who have not just survived infidelty but came through it with a renewed relationship - better than 'before'. If that is what you desire, it can happen. Just please don't try to do it alone. Get real help.

P.S. weekends can be a little slow (and it is a holiday weekend in the USA). Stick around and others will have a chance to see your post. (Reply to your own thread if need be to keep it on page one.)

P.P.S. We call the things a WS (Wandering Spouse) says are 'fog-speak'. It is like their head is in a fog and they cannot see clearly. You'll hear things like, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'.

Wanting 'space' is another classic. (Hopefully it is not wanting space to continue the affair...)

Try not to over-react to the things your wife may say. Eventually her head will clear. If, in the meanwhile, you've been doing things to show her you can be the husband she really wants, you'll increase the chances of rebuilding your marriage.

Remember - LB'ers are love killers.
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Thank you for your help and I just finished reading surviving an affair and the fall in love and stay in love book. My next book is his needs her needs.

Thanks for the help
Yes I to hope that the space she needs is not to be with the om and I have heard I love you but I'm not in love with many times in the past few weeks.

Good for you!

One bit of advice - don't try to 'educate' your spouse with everything you learn. It just doesn't work. Actually it usually backfires. She'll see you as controlling or manipulating. Instead learn as much as you can about how to change yourself. Then change those things that need changing! And don't tell her how you are going to change - just do it!
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toby, the call for "space" almost always really means they want "space" to carry on their affair unimpeded. This, along with the "iloveyoubutamnotinlovewithyou" are classic wayward spouse fogspeak statements. The adulterer is very much like an alcoholic under the influence of alcohol. But once the alcohol leaves their system, everything looks different. It is the same with adulterers; everything changes once the affair is ended.

Have you exposed the affair beyond the OM's wife? Are you still in touch with the OMW?

Hi Melody - looks like we're 'tag teaming'!
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heya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Toby,
I'm going through the same thing as you...H says the marriage has other (HUGE) problems, and the A is just a symptom. I'm trying to keep my cool, but have lost it several times. I'm really glad these veteran MB folks are here to help us when we stumble. I'm feeling pretty crummy and negative right now, but sometimes something happens to make me feel a little more positive. H and I are heading off to the MC in 15 minutes, so we may report more on my thread later this afternoon. Best of luck to you, and try to do something that makes you happy.

Sounds EXACTLY like my situation, and it amazes me that the foggy WS's us the " I am in love with you but not in love with you line"..just really stinks especially if you have kids like I do