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When a WS says that they still love you and the marriage still has a chance, but they need space and time to think - a chance to figure out who they really are and what they really want... do they really mean that? Do they really believe there is still a chance, or is it a way to create distance and keep the BS from losing it until they feel they can make a complete break?
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Cruz
BS (me) 44
WW 34
Married 6 years
Dday ONS 11/10/04
Suspect others throughout marriage
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Usually that means that they need space away from the BS so that they can continue their affair.
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That means: I need some freedom to carry on my affair unimpeded.
If she needs to some "space" to "think" tell her to go in the bathroom and shut the door.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Pacification...that is all it is. The hopes of making the breakup easier...and the hopes of making their BS back off and let them do their own thing (affair) uninhibited.
You know cruz...not to be cruel...she did tell you BEFORE you got married that you could expect this from her.
She told me about the other affairs she had on her first husband – who she was still married to, and laughed about the things she did. I was blind.
She told me that if we divorced our spouses and got married, she couldn’t promise me that she wouldn’t loose interest in four or five years and be ready to move on to someone else. God help me I was still blind
She was quite clear...and no, you weren't blind...you REFUSED to see. It was there and you didn't want to acknowledge it. If you are looking for some kind of light at the end of this tunnel, I am afraid that you are going to be disappointed.
Save yourself some heartache and open your eyes.
JMHO
committed
Last edited by committedandlovi; 09/03/05 11:13 AM.
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Hear hear. The bathroom should cover her need for space.
Don't think your situation is any different.
GC
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Especially if she closes the lid
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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lol
Cruz, if you knew she was like this going into the marriage, then what is the problem? Did you think you were going to change her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
Quote:if you knew she was like this going into the marriage, then what is the problem? Did you think you were going to change her.
Don't we all think that?
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Melody,
Quote:if you knew she was like this going into the marriage, then what is the problem? Did you think you were going to change her.
Don't we all think that? No! If I married an alley cat and he meowed, I sure wouldn't complain about it. lol
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Cruz,
If she decides to end the marriage, What steps are you going to take to help your recovery?
"Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." Saint Exupery
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Cruz,
Wanting space is just what everyone here is saying. They want "space to think" so they can carry on their affair. WS's think we BS's are sooo stupid.
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I think it was 2Oak who told a WS that if he needed "space" to remove his head from his [censored]. lol
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hey Cruz, if my WS needs "space" I'm going to be suspicious. If he needs "time" but is willing to try working, I'll be ok with it. Space is not going to help the kids, either. Hopefully your WS will think about the girls.
I was talking to my WS this morning and told him that back in the 70's there was this adult board game called Group Therapy. My parents used to play it. The game had cards that asked delving questions about life, relationships, etc. (Probably started a lot of divorces in motion, based on how much my folks would fight the next day!) Anyway, one of the things the other players could do was throw out this disk that said "cop out" (doesn't that sound 70's?). Well, I think when your wife decided to marry you, but told you she was prone to affairs, that was a cop out. She can't just go and say, "I told you so!" You don't take vows unless you plan for it to be for good. Tell her to review her vows and her commitment (even if the wedding was secular, you still have vows, right?). Best of luck, and hold wife to the promises she made.
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You need to ask her to define EXACTLY what the words 'Need Space' really mean. Calmly, respectfully and quietly request to her she do so in the same spirit of honesty that she showed to you when she told you about her affairs on her first H and that she could not guarantee she would lose interest in you and be ready to move on with someone else. If she tells you something along the same lines as the above then you have some serious soul searching to do as to whether you can live in an open marriage with a woman who cannot make a committment of forsaking all others. Good luck.
TMCM
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