The AC broke in our house the other day. And it is going to cost $2,000 to fix, but after spending $3,000 in legal fees between my H and I, I don't know where the money is going to come from. H moved out, and he is out in California right now visiting his family anyway, so I am really the only one who has to put up with the unbearable heat of a house in Florida with no air.

With nothing else to do, I started looking through some old journal entries I had made (before, and even during my A). I wrote so many things about how wonderful my H is and how much I loved him. I read about all of the great things he did for me. He was such a fantastic H and I went and screwed it all up. I just keep saying to myself over and over "What did I do?" Why did I go and screw things up?

I miss my H so much. I just wish he missed me.

Sorry you're having so many troubles. Not much I can 'do' - just wanted you to know we're here.

My H was going to have a friend come over today to pick up some of his wine from the house since there is no AC. This friend is someone who is supportive of the D, and has pretty much let me know that he doesn't care for me. So I don't feel comfortable being alone in the house with this guy. I told him that I wasn't home and that I would be here at around 3 ... although I was really just waiting for my friend to come over so I didn't have to be here alone. I didn't want this guy to know that I didn't feel comfortable around him, so that was why I told him I just wasn't home. But he came over anyways, and walked in the house. I told the guy now was not a good time, so he left. But he called my H and told him I slammed the door in his face (when in reality, this guy walked out and closed the door himself). My H called me and is so mad at me.

I'm crying. I'm shaking. Why does all of this have to be so hard?

Being immature isn't good. Let your H know that while the story he got was about a slammed door, you did not do that. Your H can choose to believe whatever he wants but let him know his friend while trying t/b supportive to your H has resorted to lying tactics to hurt you. Just let him know so he can deal with it. Then let it go. You can also let your H know that you have been reading your old journals and just like you told us, have been doing some soul searching to find out why and where it went wrong. Reassure him of your love and let him know you are trying to understand his pain. Don't expect him to jump for joy. Just share the info, then leave it be.

Sorry you are in this state. Part of recovery.

L.

Orchid,

I did let my H know that his friend closed the door, not me. And when his friend did come back over after my friend arrived, I made sure to let him know that I didn't slam the door on him. His friend tolf me he knows he didn't. When I told him what H said, his friend told me that he must have heard him wrong.

My H knows how much I love him and how much I have been trying to understand everything. I have read all of the MB books and have even spoken to a MB counselor. His response is "too little too late." My hope is that if I keep trying, eventually it will be "just enough at just the right time."

Thanks for the response.

Good. Btw I meant that immature comment t/b about H's friend, not you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Give him time. If you read my link about the stages of grieving, I think you will see that when the Xws starts to heal, often the BS goes through some angry grieving stages. You have to give your H time to heal also.

Your letting him know you are waiting for him is comforting but he may not let you know that.....see we BS can and do want to see the WS suffer. Not our spouses but the WS we want gone from our lives.

In little ways, reassure your H, the WS is gone and his W is back and that his W (that's U) are very angry at the WS. Then ask for his help on how to deal with that anger. See what he says. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

It is interesting that you mentioned being very angry at the WS. Everytime I read people's post about their WS still in a fog, I get so angry. Not so much at these other people, but at me. Because I can read things and say "Oh my gosh, that was ME!" Why didn't someone smack me over the head with a 2x4. Not the metaphoric 2x4's mentioned on this site. I mean a real piece of wood!!

I have been trying to do everything I can to show my H how sincere I am in my efforts to make things work, and what I am doing to make sure that my sincerity never fades. But it can be hard because I don't want to smother him. So I am taking things slowly, one small step at a time.

And again, thanks for responding, Orchid. It's good to know that there are people out there that want to help.

Send him the link to the 5 stages of grieving thread. It was a thread written to me while I was an anguished BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I have shared it with many people here.

L.

I know he reads most of what I post, so maybe he will read this and click on your link.

Cinny, if you were your H and had been let down in false recoveries previously as your H has, what would it take to make YOU believe that THIS time ws really different to the last ones , rather than just a desperate response to a progressing divorce ?

Sounds like a tough spot all around. My H (WS) and I are going through this, too. It's tough to trust someone enough to take a chance, and yet, without this trust, nothing good can happen. Good luck!

Does he post here also? If so, what is his poster name? If not, can we post to him on your thread? Would he be offended?

L.

I honestly can't really say what I would need, because I have never been in his situation. And I wish I had never put him in it either.

I have taken steps to ensure that things can and will be different now. I am learning more about myself than I have ever before. I think that was my first problem was a lack of knowing myself and how to do things. I also have someone female who has been and will continue to be my accountability partner ... another thing I was lacking before. There was no one who knew what was going on so there was no one I could go to to talk.

I can honestly say that in our previous attempt at recovery, I was still in the "fog." Although I wanted to make our M work, I still saw the OM in a positive light. After a lot of serious thought and prayer over what happened, I am quite disgusted with the OM.

I'm not sure what else I can do. At this point, the only things I can do are things for myself, until my H will allow me to do things for him, if he chooses to.

cinny, my question wasn't 'clever' but straightforward. It helped me HUGELY to place myself in the shoes of Squid with the evidence I saw.

When you can begin to see what it would take for YOU to trust and grant another chance, you may be able to apply that to your H.

Would words convince you ? Or do actions speak louder than words ? If so,then WHAT action sspecifically would convey trustworthiness and a changed attitude ?

No, you haven't been in that situation, but perhaps you can empathise with your H somewhat ?

Its tough. All blessings.

Bob,

I know my H needs more than just words, he needs actions. And that is why I have been acting on my words -- on the "plan" that I created. And I make sure he knows what actions I have been taking.

There are other things that I have done, but I'm not sure that my H is quite ready to hear it all. I have been keeping his friend updated on everything -- the one that he is staying with. And if and when my H is ready and willing to hear things, I will let him know. (You can e-mail me if you want to know more ... [email]cinnymd@hotmail.com)[/email]

Cinny, this sort of response from a Christian makes my skin crawl. I can just see Jesus, nailed to the cross, bleeding and near death, turning to the one thief who had finally repented moments before his own death and responding to the thief's repentance with "too little, too late. Sorry, bud, you blew it long ago."

Forgiveness and restortation is NOT easy. But it IS required by God. And it cost Jesus his life in order to be able to extend that forgiveness and salvation to others whether or not WE think they might be "deserving of God's forgiveness." Your husband's primary "problem" right not, imvho, is with God, not you.

That's NOT to "slam" your husband because I FULLY understand his emotional response and his fear and distrust because I am the Betrayed Spouse in my own marriage. But "understanding" does not imply agreement with what he wants to do when that choice would appear to be in opposition to God's will and God's command. Your husband IS Jesus Christ's "stand-in" in your marriage by command of God. God expects him to mirror Christ, in all of his ways, in your marriage. "for better or for worse...until death do us part." The "issue" that changes that is Adultery and an unrepentant spouse. There IS no "unforgiveable sin," save one, and that one is NOT adultery.

(((((Chris))))) If you ARE reading this Chris, how about taling with a brother in Christ who has walked in your shoes and understands your pain and anger and doubts, and understands even your choice that you think divorce is the "lesser of two evils?"

God bless.

Forever,

Your posts are always just what I need to hear right when I need to hear it. Thanks.

FH, are you or I better placed to judge Cinny's repentant state than her BH : the man who ALREADY went the extra mile to reconcile but had it thrown back in his face ?

I pray they recover, but me, as a man not nearly as spiritual as you are, I think Binny's H has behaved justifuably and impeccably through this, bearing in mind what I have read. I pray that Cinny is PROPERLY repentant this time and that her H gives her another chance.

Bob,

I will agree that you and FH are not in a place to properly judge my repentant heart, but at this point, neither is my H. Only God and I know just where my heart is.

Just out of curiosity, you don't want to be quick to judge me, so how can you judge my H's behavior when you cannot see his heart?

Another thing for me to add, Bob, is that during my H's previous recovery effort, I was clearly still in a fog. I didn't understand that then, and neither did he. From what I have read in the books and throughout all of the MB posts, it is hard for recovery efforts to be truly effective when the WS is still in a fog. Every WS needs their own 2x4 to knock them out of it, and I have finally had mine.

That is the difference between then and now.