cinnymd,

I don't know your present interactions between you and your H but I want to point out something that you may already know and that is that nobody is attracted to a fearful, needy, clingy spouse. Now I'm not accusing you of being one but you may want to ask yourself if your interactions with your H may be having that effect on him. If you come to the conclusion that they are, then you may want to consider implementing a Plan B like strategy. Such a move would entail writting him a loving letter expressing your deepest regret for the affair, the pain and bitterness it has brought to him, and your prayers that one day he can forgive you for it. Conclude the letter stating that you do not want to cause him further pain and that you will stop further contact with him. At first he may not take the letter seriously because he MAY see it as just one more action in a series of 'controlling and manipulative' tactics to get him to return to you, but as time goes by, and you adhere to the NC [no contact] promise in the letter, then he will see that you are indeed truly serious. It just MIGHT get him to start thinking that you may be moving on with your life without him, a reluctant acknowledgement of your newly found emotional strength and questions about whether a D is what he truly wants. Risky? you bet it is but at this point in time, what do you have to lose?

TMCM

how can you judge my H's behavior when you cannot see his heart?

I didn't realise I was judging anyone. I just reread my post and I make some sweping and probably offensive assumptionss there. I am very sorry Cinny. I will be more careful. I will delete the post if you wish.


I tried to point out that your H is probably in a better position that FH or I to judge your heart, NOT that he can certainly do this accurately. All FH and I know about you both is a thousand words.

All blessings to you both.

Bob,

You don't need to delete your post. You made a mistake, and realized it, and there is nothing wrong with that. If anything, going back and deleting it, to me, is like trying to erase what was said, and that can't be done (believe me, I know that all too well, unfortunately).

Toomuchcoffee -- first I have to say I love your name! It could have easily been my H. I may have been needy and clingy a while ago, but I have been giving my H more than enough space. I don't call him. The only contact I have with him is text messages that are either things having to do with the house or money. I send him e-mails of things that Dr. Chalmers suggested I say, and only after they are proofread by his friend to make sure that I come across exactly how I intend to, and also to make sure that it is being sent at the most opportune time. If my H's friend thinks that my H isn't going to be willing to hear what I have to say, nothing gets sent. So I guess this is my "plan B."

I know my H has things that trigger thoughts of the A. Today, I had my own trigger of sorts -- something that reminded me of what a spectacular H I have and how much I truly love him. I hope that I will have the opportunity to show that to him for a lifetime.

Bob, I'm not about to "cross swords" with you over this one. My WHOLE point is to encourage both Cinny and her husband to obey God no matter what their "feelings" might be at any given moment.

Bob, you need to know something, I am NOT all that "spiritual." I CHOOSE to submit to God's will even when my "mind" is screaming at me to do otherwise. When I fail and "listen" to my mind instead of God, I repent and start again. Bob, if you believe nothing else about me, believe this....I KNOW the intensity of the pain and
re-betrayal feelings attendant with a WS who has ANY contact with their OP. I KNOW the intense feelings of "throw in towel" and put an end to the "start again, stop again" process of recovery. I KNOW the uncertainty of not knowing what the future may hold, but I know and trust God that HE knows and that He will be forever faithful, come what may, to His promise of Romans 8:28.

The "depth" of the repentance that Cinny feels is known only to God can only be "accepted" by God and her husband, as THEY are the only participants in their covenant of marriage.

But I DO strongly urge Cinny's husband to "hear" Jesus' answer and admonition to Peter...."I say to you, Peter, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." God is THE GOD of forgiveness to the repentant sinner, and He commands us to "do likewise" regardless of our feelings. Romans 8:28 is THE promise that God makes to all believers, but only to believers, and both Cinny and her husband ARE believers....so unless they consider God to be a liar or to be unfaithful to His promises, they need to revisit THEIR commitment to their marriage covenant with each other and with God.

Having the "Right" to a divorce does not equate to having to "act" on that right. Jesus had the "right" to do whatever He wanted, but as the Garden of Gethsemene showed, even Jesus submitted His will to the Father's will...and suffered and died for His bride.

God bless.

Forever,

I can only hope that my H is reading your posts and taking what you have to say to heart.

The A/C is still out. It has now been 10 days. I think I am starting to get sick from all of this heat.

This is definitely not helping my current situation with my H.