I don't want to go into all of the details of my marriage so for info please see my profile.<BR>In a nut shell H had afair got OW pregnant she is due in Jan. H said he had very limited contact. Was a false statement. She has been paging him and they have spoken and H is giving her money because she is in a new home and she is mostly unemployed.<BR>The way I found out is my H's cellphone bill. I confronted him and he said "she is pregnant and I am responsible. She is lonely and she needs to talk with him about her hard pregnancy."<BR>I know in my heart that if I were her I would be lonely and scared. What I have asked of my H is to limit the calls to when we are both home. To not lie to me about the contact. And that if money is to be given that I either give her the cash myself or write the check so that she sees that I am aware of what is going on.<BR>My H says that this is not a relationship that he is just looking out for the child. I think it is a relationship and that it will and is getting in the way of our healing our marriage and of her moving on to her own life without my H.<BR>My H says that he wants to stay in this marriage and that he knows that this whole situation is grossly unfair to me.<BR>I need help/advice on a course of action that is resonable to H, Me, and the welfare of this child. What is a way to make it clear the while H and I will support and care about the child that the friendship/relationship is done other than being there when an emergency happens.<BR>I know this is rambling but I really want to save my marriage but not at the expense of this child or the welfare of it while it is still unborn. I also want to make it so that my H does not feel the need to lie to save me from the anger and pain of this OW<BR>help<BR>pw

Catnip? K? Daycare Disaster? Can anyone help this lady?

pw:<P>My first suggestion would be for you and your husband to start marriage counseling with Steve Harley (over the phone), or to call Steve and find a counselor in your area who is familiar with the marriagebuilder concepts. You have a very difficult situation, and it's not going to be easy to get through it without professional help.<P>Now, onto the free advice.<P>Your husband is lying to you. This is probably your biggest hurdle at this point: you need to create an environment where you two can be completely honest with each other. I would suggest that you discuss Harley's rule of "Complete Honesty" with your husband (give him info from the website, or order "Give and Take" as well as "Surviving an Affair"). You've got to stress that honesty is the most important thing for the two of you right now. From your standpoint, if he's honest to you with information that you're not thrilled about (he's calling her, he's seeing her, he's madly in love with her), you must remember to thank him for the honesty. NO LOVEBUSTERS!!! That doesn't mean that you can't be hurt or angry, but you cannot respond in a way that punishes your spouse. If he's not being honest with you to protect himself---you don't want to give him a reason to feel that he NEEDS to protect himself. If he's lying to protect you---he needs to realize that ugly truth is better than ugly truth covered with a candy-coated lie.<P>Once you discuss the rule of Complete Honesty, you're on to the next subject: the Policy of Joint Agreement. Both of you should understand it and should know how to apply it. If you can't come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement on an issue---you do nothing. You come back to continue brainstorming, but one person should never go ahead and "do" something. If you can eliminate those thoughtless behaviors, you'll be able to heal the marriage more quickly.<P>As to the specifics of how to arrange a settlement between you, the OW, and your husband; that's a great test for the POJA. It looks like both your husband and you have ideas that aren't too dissimilar. I suggest that you sit down and discuss them in detail, and make a plan that you both can stick to, with "verifiable" checkpoints. If you and your husband do this together, as a united couple, you'll rebuild your marriage more quickly.

Is the OW married? Is he certain that the baby is his? I cannot access your profile right now.<BR>Ian

K<BR>Both my H and I have read all of the books that you mentioned. I think that I am somewhat to blame in his not being honest about the OW and the phones calls. I had told him that I would not tolerate any communication and he agreed most likely to avoid my walking out the door which shame on me was what I said I would do at the time. I have spoken with my H since posting and have asked him to help me come up with a way to allow him to tell the truth and for me not to react in a negative way. Part of my problem of course is that he spent a year lying to me and I do not deal with that really well and this OW has reached out to hurt me verbally in the past which put me in the place of non movment where communication was involved. What I said to my H was that communication would be fine but friendship with her was unfair to him, her and me as she will not move on and we cannot move on until this is resolved. I am trying not to lovebust but it is hard. <BR>H will not go see a counselor nor will he get on this site he prefers to make decisions and deal with things internally which I do not believe is the right way to deal with this. I guess what I need to know is, is it unreasonable for me to want him to tell her that I am in the loop and that while he can talk to her I will always be there in the house when it goes on.<BR>IOH<BR>she is sure that the child is his. H is mostly sure and she was married but she got divorced thinking that she and my H were going to live happily ever after. I seem to be a fly in the ointment. Bottom line is that a dna test will be done sometime after birth to confirm or falsify what she believes is the truth.<BR>Please anyone else just some advice for someone who so deperatly wants to lash out at this woman even though I know it will not help. I need solutions to being civil and mend my broken marriage.<BR>

PW,<P>Sorry you have to deal with this. To be honest I really hope the baby is not his. One way you can handle the situation is meet with the OW. You, your H, and her. You and you H sit on one side and she sit on the other. Let her know that IF and I say a big IF that the baby is his you two will be a part of the babies live but SHE is not welcome into that life. This of course can only work if your H is willing. Do you feel he is willing. Someone mentioned, on this board, that it happened to her. It sends a very clear and non-verbal message that a) we are a unit and b) you (ow) can not come between us. <P>I would also point out that you will be a part of the baby's life like it or not. <P>I do hope things work out for you. The best solution over all is that the baby is not his. Just wondering How does your H feel about being caught seeing her?

pahakissa<BR>First I agree that having the baby not be his would be wonderful but I am trying to deal with what will probably end up being the truth and that is that it is his child. <BR>I have wanted to go to see this OW but my H does not want to do that. I am beginning to think that will probably be the only way that we can save our marriage is for us as a unit to go to see her.<BR>My H feels guilt about being caught and remorse and he also feels that he has put obstacles in our path that we may not be able to over come.<BR>My H deals with the truth of this mess only when he has to and, if he can, he avoids the whole problem.<BR>I did confront my H about the phone calls as they seem to be daily and told him he had to chose her or me. Last night he said me and I asked him to come home from his trip with a solution to making our marriage secure and happy and that not talking to her would be one solution I would gladly accept. I am willing to have them talk but only when I am around.<BR>what a mess<BR>pw