Greetings,
Today marks D+100 for me. 100 days ago my life took a sudden and dramatic turn when I was informed about the affair. (This sort of thing only happens to other people, right?) Luckily I found this site within a few hours of discovery.
After a long, sleepless, night suffering from an explosion of emotions, I decided to see my wife through this ordeal and make things better, make our marriage better. She was not so receptive, given the depth of the fog that surrounded her. She followed the "script for wayward spouses" exactly, yet through the babble I thought there was still a chance to save a fifteen-year relationship.
By D+14 I had signed up for counseling, but she refused to go. Shortly after this I found out the physical relationship was continuing. I can't say how crushing it was to find that my wife was sneaking around like a teenager trying to find places to have sex with her boyfriend while I remained home reading everything I could get my hands on to try to understand what was happening to us.
D+25 was a turning point where I realized that the woman I married no longer existed, having been replaced by an alien, and not a nice alien at that. The fog became so thick that even her family was enveloped by it. Her parents axctually bought into her rewrite of marital history and began speaking babble!
During the next 75 days she made accusations, placed blame, lashed out, ignored me for a good four weeks, and even attempted to lecture me on trust and honesty in a relationship. (I found out after the lecture that she had already made reservations to spend the next weekend at a very expensive hotel with the OM.) During this time, a quote I read here often came to mind, "I will really miss the wife I thought I had, but I will not miss the woman my wife really is at this moment in time." How true.
Somewhere around D+70 she walked into a lawyer's office, cut a check, and said, "I want a divorce." No questions, no discussion, just a transfer of funds to begin the end of a marriage. Now, at D+100, we are both lawyered up and ready to divide the life we created.
There were many days early on when I never thought tomorrow would come, let alone 100 of them. That first month - not eating, not sleeping, no focus, not caring about much of anything, and (according to Mom) saying the "f-word" entirely too much - is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It pains me just seeing how many new posts there have been to this forum since I first posted on D+3.
So what did I do when the days felt 36 hours long? I learned to cook, I rode my bike, I reconnected with family and friends that I had grown distant from. I spent a lot of time just sitting on friends' couches because I didn't want to be at home with the alien. I learned that a lot of good people I know have gone through exactly the same thing, and given time they found their happiness again. Most importantly I learned that the people I have surrounded myself with are the best support group anyone could ask for. I couldn't help but stand in awe of their collective kindness. The few times I vocalized this I received the same response, "You've always been there for us and we are now returning the favor."
On D+100 my STBX is an unhappy soul. Her claims of euphoric happiness are hard to believe when all I witness is misery and anger. I, on the other hand, am a much better person following this traumatic experience. My eyes have been opened to a great many things, and I think I understand the world a lot better than I did 101 days ago. I certainly understand myself better than I did back then.
As I move forward I know there will be more difficulty, but the days on average have gotten progressively better since I accepted that I need to move on. I remember reading posts in the early days that promoted the idea that things get better with time. I couldn't believe it at the time, but I do now. Things do get better.
Paul
