WH came here this afternoon (like I predicted). I asked him what he was doing here. Was he coming to pick up the rest of his stuff?

Dead silence. "I thought we were going to work this out. That's why I went away this week....to clear my head. And think."

I said I hadn't changed my mind. He needed to leave.

He asked if I wanted to work things out or not. I said possibly.....at some future time.

Then he started the whole same old, same old conversation about what we always get into. I simply told him that I wasn't going to do this anymore.

That if things could ever work out between us he would FIRST have to put some distance and time between himself and other woman. I will NOT go thru this again.

He talked and talked. Said if he had to get an apartment he would have to sign a lease for at least 6 months.

I simply said "Whatever you have to do".

I also in the past few weeks decided to tell the complete truth to him.....not try to spare his feelings (he has done nothing to spare mine, that's for sure).

I told him that he had nearly killed every little bit of love I had for him. That I let him do it to me. And that I was pretty close to getting a divorce.

He started talking about needing to reach out to me - that he has been reaching out to me all along.

I said "Yes. And every time you reached out to me, you slapped me in the face. I repeat, I will not do this anymore".

There were no angry words, raised voices, or smart a$$ comments (that would be me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ).

I simply held my ground. I did not shake or quake. I simply stated that I wasn't going to do this anymore. Over and over.

Don't worry. He'll get it sooner or later.

My money is on LATER.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

K, did you then escort him to the door? All those words are nice, but they amount to nothing if he is allowed to stay.

Oh, and by the way, my post title fooled you all.....you thought I was going to let WH back to "try again".

Admit it. Didn't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Got to go get ready to go out with DD and some friends tonight. Should be FUN!!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel, we cross posted.....

WH's gone. I was quite pleasant about it, though.

But, see.......you thought I let him back. Admit it. Didn't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

K

And the whole time, I was calm. Stood my ground. Waved "bye, bye", so to speak.

I used to wring my hands, and get my "knickers in a knot" over this stuff....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Something's different now............I hope I made that clear in my other thread. I finally started telling myself the truth, and got REAL.

And, don't you wish I'd put all this stuff in just ONE post?

ME TOO!!!!!!!

YIPPEE!!! You are most awesome, K!! Shame on me for ever doubting ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K, you are a very bad girl! You did get me by your subject title. I just shook my head and was about to go search for my K 2x4. You are doing good. Hold steady. Let the your H's "B" now have the fun of dealing with your H. Maybe we can start taking bets on how long it will take their "love nest" to turn to sh**. I'll give it a month, maybe 2, if you remain totally dark and indifferent. CV

bwahahahahaaahahahhahaaaaaa! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OK, this is a start, but this wouldn't be a "party" if I wasn't raining on the parade. IMO there is no cause for celebrations or "yipee's" at all.....You are just doing what you should have done months or years ago...I think you now have to become even more determined to see this through because he will ratchet up the stakes. You have spent 30 years with this man and have no doubt suffered the wrath of his VERBAL and PHYSICAL abuses athousand times over, yet you stayed with him and to this day have let him know that you would be willing to reconcile in the future, so he will have many more tricks up his sleeve to.

DON'T BE THE DIETER WHO LOSES 5 POUNDS AND CELEBRATES AT AN ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET.....Now go right back to the egg white omelets and chicken salads with NO DRESSING.

He is no doubt shaken a little (but just a little) by your stance, but believe you me, he still doesn't "buy it" (and neither do I....yet)...He will come back now with some new promises, or another attempt at NC and a Bull$hyt letter that no doubt you will have asked for a thousand times over in the past....we'll see then what you do then.

He has done untold horrible things to you in the past (much of which I am positive you have not revealed here) and yet you still harbor hopes for reconciliation, so please be advised that he knows this and will use it to manipulate you into coming back to the fold....Like I said, lets see what you do then ??????.

Your changing your pattern of dyfunction is the real challenge here. You are now attmepting to "unlearn" 30 years of learned behavioral response.....please don't say that the dysfunction ONLY started with the OW and affair. Change doesn't happen over night. It is not his change that matters anyway....(honestly I don't think that will ever happen)...it is YOURS that matters.

Yeah, I may be a real turd for being so tough on you here, but I think you need it. You can get all of the back slapping congrats and "thattagirl's" from the nurters and more compassionate folk here......certainly you don't need that from me....that is not my style and doing so would be disingenous of me.

Once again, the countdown is still on for your post telling me to shove it when you prove me wrong. I anxiously await that day, this was a step in the right direction, but just a small step. You don't get a "thatagirl" from me.

JUST DO IT !!

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K,

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

The first step is hard, but keep at it. You are doing well. If at first you don't succeed, and all that. However many times it takes you, is how many times it takes you. I believe you are there now and ready to really take your OWN journey. This part feels good--the lonely times don't feel so good, so get support so you won't weaken in the tougher times. You can do it!

Good Morning.....

Went out with friends and DS and DD last night, and am up much too early.

So, you all actually have a 2x4 with my name on it!? Not that I blame you, but for someone like me, perhaps a 4x4 would have done the job quicker.

I know this is just the beginning. I am not doing this so WH will change. At this point, I don't care if he changes. I'm doing it for ME! This didn't happen over night.

So, I'm not building myself up with words of false bravery that I may have to eat down the line. I am taking this one day, and one step at a time. It's a learning process....about me, and what I am able to do. I know I have it in me, and I am going to DO IT!

I don't know about WH's bag of tricks, he'll have to get a new one. Doesn't matter if he does. He'll have to perform somewhere else. This circus is closed!!!!

Changing 30 years of dysfunction is quite a project! I would say the dysfunction intensified a great deal when OW entered the picture. So no, it didn't just start there. The only dysfunction I can change is my own. Another big project!

Lemonman, I will never say "shove it". I'm more of a STICK IT kind of girl!

K

Hi K,

how are things going??? I hope you are alright.
How about an update???

bb

Hi bb......

I'm doing GREAT!!!!!

I'm totally enjoying my peace and quiet. No worries about WH's doings at all......surprising how it not being "in your face" relieves so much stress and worry!

I definitely don't miss the suspicion, the snooping, and the examination of my M every day. What a horrible weight that is lifted! I can live honestly, and don't have to struggle with continuous thoughts and doubts about WH, and what he is doing.

That's real freedom. And I LOVE it!!!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi K. I'm proud of you. Really.

- Kimmy

Hi Kimmy.....

Thanks. I'm proud of myself again.....finally! (I know..."it took long enough"!!!)

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I didn't say finally. It took as long as it took.

We all have different "enough-z-enough" thresholds.

- Kimmy

{{{K}}}
You sound GREAT! I am so glad you are taking care of yourself and that your are enjoying peace. Stop beating yourself up about how long it took you. We all have our own timetable. It was time when you were strong enough!

Watch out world...here comes K. (I get the image of the Mary Tyler Moore Show where she throws her hat in the air!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

K,
Great! Hey, listen, it takes as long as it takes, but you are well on your way now! Yeah!

Hi Kimmy and Confused......

Don't get me wrong....I'm the one saying "FINALLY"!!!!

Hope I can help someone here from what I have learned. I think the key is learning about YOURSELF.

Like I said before, I was too wrapped up in what WH was saying and doing.....and not doing, to take a real look at myself.

What I found there was someone who was wishy-washy, unsure, and totally out there!

Got myself in control..........stopped my own game playing (something that I did not see before), and quit trying to control my WH (someone who has never been in my control anyway. So, why did I think that I could control him now?)

Learned what my boundaries are.......these were hard to discover since they had been pushed around, and were blurred by my own denial of my true self.

I finally got "real" with myself, and that was the turning point for me. I find that the most important thing for me is honesty - from my WS, honesty of feelings, and honesty in making my own feelings known. Something I would never do before because I was too worried about hurting another person, or creating bad feelings in someone else.

I want peace, and I was afraid to perhaps cause someone else to not like me!

I FOUND THAT LIKING AND LOVING YOURSELF IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF.

Learning "yourself" is the key. Know thyself. Be true to yourself.

All makes perfect sense now!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi Anne.....

Makes me think of scuba diving.

The guys always made fun of the guy in the group who would go diving, and use up his tank of air twice as fast as everyone else in the group.

This guy finally said "Well, I always thought that the tank of air was there to breath. So, that's what I'm using it for".

So what if his timetable for air was different? He used what he needed to use to make that dive. So he could live. So he could enjoy the next dive.

I guess everyone's timetable is different. It's taken me all these years to finally stand up for myself.

And I know it will get better with practice.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />