1 week ago WH told me he wanted to leave and had been having an affair with a woman at his new job for 2 months. I had no clue this was about to happen and I'm totally devasted. I got all the old chesnuts of 'I need to clear my head/think, Not 'in love', We've grown apart. True, we haven't been as close probably somewhat due to lot's of external pressures and stress. We've been together 15 years, married for 7 with 2 children.

I need some help formulating a Plan A. He is a conflict avoider and has trouble talking about deep emotions. I'm beginning to realise just how controlling I was in certain areas of our marriage and that he may have really grown to resent this. He, not surprisingly is not an initiator and often left me to take the lead.

I really need to take all pressure off. He came by today for the 1st time since he left. I was calm, made small talk and did not attempt to ask for any answers or decisions yet. He made no attempt to broach the subject either. He will not open up of his own accord and I can visualise that he will just carry on like this and not ever begin to talk. but I know I must not push him. He will still be heavily in the fog a this stage and will, I guess not be receptive to any 'I've seen the error of my ways' speechs from me!

How do I procede here? Is it best to continue as I've started and how long do I leave it before asking him to talk, if at all. We will only be seeing each other for a short period once a week. This seems such a tiny amount of time with which make inroads in our marriage and almost impossible as he will still be seeing the OW.

This is all so new and painful and it seems so surreal as I'm suddenly unable to communicate with the person I've felt closest to for 15 years.

Thanks for listening.

Hi WW, I am sorry you are here but you are in the right place. I would suggest that you start right away on Plan A.

The purpose is to break up the affair and attract your H back into the marriage. The first part of Plan A is exposure, which is your most effective tool. Exposure ruins an affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. They don't last long when exposed to the light of day. An affair is based on a fantasy and exposure ruins the fantasy by bringing in ugly reality. When forced to explain a sleazy affair to others, the affairees are forced to see how sleazy and foolish they look through the eyes of others.

Good exposure targets are the OP's spouse, the WS' family, your family, close friends, and possibly the workplace if it is a workplace affair. Exposure is probably the single most effective weapon against an affair.

The second part of Plan A is to identify the top needs of your spouse and try to start meeting them. Try to identify what it was, if anything, that pushed your spouse outside of the marriage. It is important to avoid all lovebusters during this time, as they only serve to make the OW more attractive and give the WS justification in carrying on an affair.

Please click on the link in my signature: Plan A and Plan B to get started on reading. You will also want to run to the bookstore and pick up Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley, and possibly His Needs, Her Needs.

Are you married to my husband? All of these WS use the same scripts and act so much the same way.

Hang in there. You've come to the right place. I can't say that things will be better but I can say that things will hurt a little less...on most days. Keep posting. We're here for you.

Thankyou for your advice and support!

The A has been exposed by me to his family already. My friends and family also know. He does not have friends outside of work and I'm unsure of exactly how to expose the affair at his work. What do I do. speak to his boss?, he probably knows. It may the case they all know as he is staying with a colleague at the moment. The OW is not married apparently.

I'm currently trying to work out which EN were not being
met and all the LB's are becoming painfully clear.

I take comfort from the fact just 1 week in, I'm doing my best to survive. Although it seems too much to bear at times, I have moments of logic and clarity and am able to slighty make sense of the situation (I think) I'm way ahead of him at this stage which is quite frustrating!

Wait, he doesn't have friends outside of work but he has only been at this job for 2 months? What did he do for friends before this job? Did he know OW before this job?

Exposure at work to his boss is a good thing. Bad for him as a new employee though.....r u willing for him to lose this job? May be necessary if you want to save your M.

Is the OW known for being an OW? Hm...... too many unanswered questions here.

For you though, you need a plan. Plan A is often recommended but I think you also need do the following:

1. Secure your finances.

2. Check out the D options and your rights.

3. Do a background check on the OW.

4. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.

5. Get with an MC that is familar with MB prinipals or call Steve H @ MB for phone counseling.

6. Take the EN questionnaire, once for and once for your H.

7. Read His Needs/Her Needs (Harley) and Love must be Tough (James Dobson).

8. Expose @ work to his boss. Let him know you do not feel safe due to his actions and question who the OW is (as to her reputation) since she seems to be having such a corruptive influence on your H so quickly.

JMHO,
L.

WW, call up the Human Resources department and ask for the head of that department. Tell her about the affair and ask what she plans on doing about it, or do you need to take it to a higher level? Then hang up and call his boss.

I would suggest doing some investigating - QUICKLY - on the OW. Find out if she is married, who her H is, if any, and find out who her parents are. This will be WELL WORTH the money spent on a P.I. because you can expose to her family, too. A simple background check should not cost you that much.

I'm in the UK where we don't have a lot of PI services available and I sadly could not afford it anyway.

I do understand the principle behind informing his work but am afraid it will be terribly inflamatory. I could not have H lose his job. My No.1 priority is my children and I'm not having them lose their home because of the father's stupidity.

Thinking on with plan A, do I provide a calm enviroment every time he comes around? What else should I be doing in terms of his EN etc? How long before I gently try and get him to talk a little...this is so frustrating when all I want to do is scream at the idiot!

I feel I'm on death row waiting for a stay of execution.

Secure your finances. R U working? It's not the house that is a home, it is where you make your home. Uprooting a family is hard but if it saves your M, is it worth it? Is his job more important than the M? U decide, then you will know what t/d.

If you want your M, expose at his work. Expect him to lose his job, plan for it so you will have a back up plan.

If his job and your home is more important than your M, then file for the D.

Maybe there are other options. That is for you to decide.

L.

Weeping Willow, just wanted to let you know that I responded to your post over on the "Just Found Out..." board. Best of luck, thinking of you!!!