No major, exciting marriage news. Sorreeee. Hopefully some angst-calming updates though...?
Perp. seems to be coming through his stroke decently. It's been a few weeks and I've started him on some human meds and a careful diet. I've managed to get a medicine - baby formula ratio down so that he takes the stuff without fuss or mess. Perp. Squirt and I are all still adjusting to Perp's new lack of mobility.
Halfway through week three of NC with Phil. I sent an EXTREMELY brief e-mail with his IRS phone msg. Faithful, OK, it was the decent thing to do, but that may be the LAST decent gesture I send his way. As one friend put it, the "Hi" was extra. And that was all that was extra. :-)
Phil sent a more involved e-mail back with bank account info. and an itinerary of sorts for the weekend. I DIDN'T answer it. NC means NC. How I like the sound of that. Oh, the hang-up calls have picked up again. Weekends too. averaging 3-4 a day. Funny, I didn't give Phil my new phone number and I don't get any hang-ups on that!
Friday night I lit candles and said my blessings over the lights, bread and juice (decided to forgo the wine). Then I spent Saturday doing mild chores and musing on Rilke and how that plays into the book.
Many thoughts were spent on this:
I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
I want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
I want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere do I want to remain folded,
because where I am bent and folded, there I am lie.
And I want my meaning
true for you. I want to describe myself
like a painting that I studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word I finally understood,
like the pitcher of water I use every day ,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.
This morning I went for a decent, long (and LONG) run. My legs are beginning to harden again. I find myself looking forward to the 2-3 mile mark where my hip flexors start rolling with my stride. The flow takes over from the pounding and I try to make the float last as long as possible.
For the first time in many moons, I am genuinely tired and think I might just sleep through the night like a normal person. I slept last night from four to nine. It was the longest sleep I've had in a while. I'm climbing into bed when I finish with this.
The cool air helps. Early to be smelling autumn, but someone cooked something outside and our romantic cottage smells -- romantic again. The breeze is full of cedar and sugary smoke smells.
Which is probably because I am bathing regularly again and can smell the good stuff over my own stink for a change! Yes, I am remembering to brush my teeth and do my hair and that sort of thing. I'm smooth all over again. I am changing out of my day clothes at night. I even put makeup on for the past three days too.
Yeah, I've been that low. Froz and Dorry can attest, I am nuts about my teeth and I couldn't remember if I was brushing them anymore... Each new low just gets lower... messy is one thing, but dirty? I love with my teeth. They're good teeth. They deserve to be brushed three times a day as usual, none of this mis-remembering junk.
Still no job. I had one good lead last week. Perhaps this week will be better. I took a critical look at my finances and determined that I can make it jobless another 1-2 years if necessary. It won't be pretty (and neither will I be!), but I won't starve either. I guess I did a little better at saving than I thought... A small burden has been lifted.
And I decided to include myself in the book after all. It's a decision that took three years but here I am. And I am giving myself the ending I want. Life can't do that for me, but I'm the author and what the h*e*l*l, I'm not sure I agree with life. I am giving me a happy ending.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
This is very good.
Thank you friends for being so solid when I've been such a wreck. You've kept me going when all I've wanted is to stop. Thanks don't seem nearly enough. If I hosted a get-together would anyone come? I couldn't think of a better way to spend a birthday! So here's to another week, another ballgame and other small steps. Really, this IS very good.
Sally
