Ok, so I arrived in the Philippines (Manila) on Saturday night and stayed at a hotel until my next flight to my destination the next day. I was pretty nervous and my stomach was all over the place. I spent quite a few hours praying and smoking my brains out (I don’t smoke). The next morning I woke up and for some reason decided to turn on the TV. There was a preacher from America talking about the book of Job. Seemed fitting so I listened carefully. He talked about how so many people love to use the quote “God gives and God takes away”. He then went on to explain that it was JOB that spoke these words in his time of grief and that God later chastised him for it because God NEVER takes away what He gives. It is the devil who lures people into temptation so that they are separated from God and end up destroying God’s gifts. He then went on to speak about how Job ended up having much more than he could ever hope for. This actually gave me a lot of encouragement and hope for what I would have to face. I ended up reading the entire book of Job while at the airport and during my flight.

I arrived at my WW house (actually her uncle’s house where she and her siblings and cousins live). I was greeted warmly by all, including WW. It was about 100 degrees outside and needed to get some water so I invited WW sister to go with me. She happily accepted. On the way I asked the sister if she believes in God. She confidently answered that she does. I then explained to her that Jesus is watching us right now and that he sees all we do. I asked her if she was aware of the Ten Commandments and after she confirmed she was, we discussed them for a while. I then her to confess to me if she had ever lied to me about WW A and if she hid truths from me. She tearfully answered that she had and that she was very sorry. She told me she was confused because she felt a duty of loyalty to her sister but at the same time knew her sister was wrong. I explained to her that truly helping her sister entails always sticking to the truth and not helping her commit sins. That the next time she feels cornered into a situation of helping someone to sin because of feelings of loyalty, she should remember her FIRST loyalty is to God. We ended up praying together and seeking forgiveness from God for all we have done wrong. She told me she loves me and really does support me. I genuinely forgave her and feel as close to her as ever before.

After returning from the store, I approached WW (whom I haven’t had any contact with for 43 days). We exchanged awkward hugs and I told her I missed her very much. She told me she is working from 8pm to 4am (no beaks) 7 days a week in a nightclub for about a dollar a day. I asked her if she has found the happiness she was looking for. She said “yes” at almost the same instant a tear trickled down her cheek. We talked a bit about OM and that she thinks he has other girlfriends as well. I told her I know about this and can’t understand why she would want to be with a guy who is constantly lying to her. She replied that he used to make her happy but that she doesn’t really care too much right now if they are together or not (blab la bla fog talk). I explained to her a bit about this site and a few concepts I have learned and that the door is still open if she wants to make a go at it.

Just then I decided to ask her if she still believes in God. He answer was, “I don’t know”. I told her (in a non combative way) that she has now graduated from lying to me to lying to herself. I told her I believe she is simply turning away from God in a bit to ease her guilty feelings of the sins she continues to commit. She cried a lot as I spoke to her and kept describing herself as messed up in the head. I told I pray for her every night – not to come back to me. Not to leave OM. But to come back to God and allow her to be led by him. She cried very much and thanked me for that.

Last night’s sleeping arrangements were for WW, her sister and her teeneaged cousin to sleep on one bed and for me to sleep on the other. Her sister and cousin, however protested that there was not enough room for three on one bed and told her to sleep in mine with me. Much to my surprise, she agreed without so much as an argument. Even more surprising was that during the night as she slept, she cuddled up to me and even put her arm around me. I try not to make anything out of that (as it was in her sleep and for all I know she would have done the same to a pit bull, but I must confess it felt nice.

Today we hung out and went for lunch. We talked only about happy things and I made a strong effort to avoid speaking of OM or our relationship ( I made a few mistakes, but not masny). It was a fun day and we smiled together as when we used to date.

Now I will brace myself for radical reversals of behavior and any other shock that may arise. This is just a report on my first full day of plan A in the bowls of the Philipines.

Mike

you sound a lot healthier which is excellent.

I'm a bit uncomfortable about using God's name to put people on the spot, but I can't fault its effectiveness so far.

You are RIGHT not to respond too fervently to WW, and also to prepare yourself for a rollercoaster of ups, downs and spins.

Its OK to tell WW how you feel Mike. Teaching/point scoring about relationships don;t work at all, but its OK for you to tell WW how hurt you are. That despite that you want to make a go of your marriage, but you are prepared to move on alone if necessary.


Well done ! Your personal progress is huge ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the feedback, Bob.

I understand what you’re saying about using God’s name, but I’m really trying to be as honest as possible when I have done this. Please consider that I’m not in a Western country right now. The Philippines is a country where Christian music is pumped out over loudspeakers at gas stations and the Lords prayer is announced over the PA system on a ferry boat before every departure. Teens who sing worship songs while strumming a guitar on the school ground are considered cool. It’s a normal way to communicate in these parts and not seen as a way to manipulate people in any way. I’ve been in Asia so long now that my cultural behavior seems to change as quickly as I cross a border.

As for being healthy…I’m not so sure I’m doing as well as I’d like to be. I’m coping right now in a most unhealthy way. I’m like a drug addict who has finally been given a fix after 43 days of being dry. In this case my WW is the drug. Just being in her presence is somewhat comforting to me. Just spending time with her and making her smile feeds my soul. But I have to keep reminding myself that I’m in my own kind of fog when I’m with her. I have to maintain enough clarity to know that what I’m seeing and how she is acting is not necessarily even authentic. I’ve been deceived before and I have lost that part of me that trusts the appearance of sincerity.

You’ve been a great source of encouragement and strength to me and I appreciate it.

If she cuddles at night, should I be reciprocating or should I be doing more of a 180?

If she communicated with OM, should I just let it go without mention? How should I handle that? Right now OM is in another town on another island so there isn’t much chance of actually sneaking off to see him. And I think he’s too afraid to come anywhere near me (rightly so).

Your WW hasn't recommitted to your marriage yet, so its early to expect NC.

Take the opportunity to say " Baby, Ilove you and a I want to work on our marriage. I can only do that if there is respect between us.

That mean for me , that you end all contact with OM and open up your activities to me as a gesture of recommitment.

I love you and want you as my wife, but I do not need you, nor will I take you back at the cost of my self repect.

Baby end this affair and work with me on our marriage, or end our marriage so that we can be free, but sad agents."

That type of thing. See ?

You're right, I have no knowledge of Filipino culture.

SM, there's a very international feeling on MB tonight. What a wonderful resource it is to have discovered. I've been to the Philippines once - Manilla and Cebu. It felt quite a lawless place (1989) but very colourful and exciting.

It is a great sign that WW appears to be affectionate towards you. I hope she comes to her senses. OM is obviously a womanizer and she has no future with him. With you, she has the chance of a whole new life in Canada. Is she frightened to be so far away from her family? Is that a possibility?

I'm so glad you sound more upbeat. Last time you posted you had me worried. TT

So on Sunday I spent the day with WW and had a really nice time. She told me to come by the nightclub she works at and visit her. I showed up about two hours before the end of her shift. She was working at the Karaoke section. We ended up sitting together and singing love duets and cuddling and it was just like when we were first dating. We went home together and things felt pretty good.

The next day WW and I sat down and had a talk. Against all I should have done on MB I pretty much gave her every reason I thought she should come back to Canada with me and try and heal through this mess. To my utter surprise she said that she would come with me and give things a try. She also agreed to contact OM and tell him it was over between them and agreed to let me se the letter and even write one for my self. She made a strong point that if things returned back to the way they were pre A (me always being negative and complaining about everything she does), that she would leave. Knowing that I really was pretty hard to take back then and knowing I have made serious changes in my personality, I agreed. I asked her if she was sure about her decision and if she as going to flip-flop around and she promised she wouldn’t.

The following day we agreed that I would show up at her work about an hour before the end of her shift and take her home. Before arriving, I went out with a group of Filipino friends and had a great time. In a great mood, I showed up to collect WW. She was in a horrible mood and pretty much treated me like crap. Outside the club she blew up at me and accused me of showing up too early and distracting her. When I tried to explain that I had simply followed her plan, she barked, “I just can’t stand you!” This realy hurt a lot. She refused to talk to me at all on the ride home and would only look at me to scowl as if she absolutely hated me. That night there was no cuddling or touching of any kind.

This morning she was pleasant again. I massaged her feet and asked her again if she as certain about going back to Canada with me. She assured me that she was. I told her I would be going out with a group of guys tonight and that our last stop would be to the club she works at. I told her I was concerned she might have reservations about this and asked if she would rather I change that pert f the plan. She replied that it would be great if we came there and wanted us to have her as our server so she could get the commission for the sales. So today before her shift we went out shopping. While we wee out, we ran into a friend of hers who apparently knows about all that has happened. While WW was in the restroom, the friend expressed that she was happy I came back to fight for my marriage and that she has been trying to convince WW to come back to me as well.

The friend left and I walked WW back to her work place to begin her shift. This is where I screwed up and all went to hel. We got there and just before she went in I expressed that I was feeling a bit down because she had been distant from me all day. I told her I thought we wee going to work on out marriage but today I don’t even feel like her boyfriend. She then became extremely cold and said, “I don’t know why, but I just can’t stand you”. I was so shocked at this sudden comment. She became impossible to talk to because everything that came out of her mouth was a snide remark meant to hurt me. She said what ever I was feeling was my problem and not to bug her about it. I asked her why she couldn’t discuss anything without making it into a fight. I told her I don’t want to fight, I just wanted to express my feelings. He response was something like, “Ok fine are we finished now? Anything else?” I said, No, nothing else. I just love you, that’s all. I didn’t mean to start a fight”. She then said everything is ruined and that this is her life and that she doesn’t want to go back with me. I told her that I can’t take this rollercoaster and that she already promised to go with me. I asked her if when she cuddled with me it was all fake since she can’t stand me. She replied that it’s not that she feels this way all the time. But right now she doesn’t like me. I said that I guess she can’t stand when we have these kinds of discussions and that perhaps it’s not a good idea to make decisions about our future while in such a bitter moment. She said that she would think about whether she will come back with me or not. I told her this was not acceptable and that she had already agreed. She said fine. Then she looked at me as if to say “but I’m not coming back with you”. Then she said she had to start her shift, thanked me for ruining it, and walked into the building.

This is where I am right now. I have to met my friends in a couple of hours and se her tonight at the latter half of her shift. How on eath am I going to undue the damage I created by LBing her with pressure about our “progress”?

Ugghh!

Mike
WS can't be expected to behave logically, consistently or predictably.

Make every effort to let WW know you want her to return to Canada with you but , but that you do not wish to frce her, or tp have her join you under duress.

This may seem hard to you Mike, but it is no use making your WW feel its YOUR choice to go to Canada.

How old is your WW by the way ? She does not seem very mature from what you report. Not to this 41 year old giffer anyway !

Bob, you are quite perceptive to notice she is quite young. She is actually only 23, and yes I guess this explains a lot.

The rollercoaster is definitely a wild one. After I posted last night, I ended up going out with a few friends and having a good time. I guess I decided to let things land where they do and not worry about that which I have no control.

I showed up to the club with a friend and when I saw her, I acted as if our previous conversation had never happened. She was very friendly and responsive and even quite affectionate. For some reason I was in a very outgoing mood and ended up making friends with just about every stranger who crossed paths with me. By closing time I was a bit drunk and had pretty much every remaining person in the club at my table. WW approached and made it quite obvious that I was with her -- perhaps because there were a few very pretty ladies showing competitive interest in me (half decent looking young white guys are considered quite exotic in these parts).

As a half joke I suggested we get a hotel room. To my surprise she agreed. When we arrived, I decided to give her the best full body massage I could muster. This quickly progressed into some pretty intense SF (it's been a while and I had a few beer in me, so I was in no mind set to play hard to get). This morning as we were waking, we indulged again. She has been very affectionate all day and wants to stay at the hotel tonight as well. I told her this time I'll just show up at her work at closing time and meet her outside.

I think she's extremely conflicted right now about what she should do. She knows what the right thing to do is, but she's afraid that doing the right thing might not make her happy. I think she wants to be in love with me and come with me, but her feelings are still divided between me (and going to a new country to live) and the single independent life (staying in a familiar culture near her family)-- and of course OM. She never had a teenage life and she wants to live it now. I think she feels like being married so young has trapped her into being settled down too soon.

She still won't respond to an "I love you". She can't get herself to say it. She is helbent on not letting me spend money on her. In fact she is even going as far as spending her money on me. She is definitely asserting her independence and wants to make sure that if she comes with me it will not be because she needs me to take care of her.

Anyway, I guess for now I'll avoid discussions about where we are headed in our relationship and just focus on Plan A. It's absolutely true that SHE has to decide to come to Canada rather than feel railroaded into it. It's only been a few days since I arrived in Philippines and I've been expecting too much too soon. I think I'll wait a while before pressing the NC issue again as well. I'll just work on plan A for at least another month before reassessing where her heart and desires lie.

Bob, one thing you said in a previous response to me has helped me very much to handle myself in a way that keeps me strategic as opposed to panicked.

"What would you do if you were not afraid?"

I repeat this to myself every time a try and rush things or act out of desperation. I think every BS should ask themselves this question in times of fear. It has stopped me from screwing up a hundred times more than I already have.