Hi There,

I have gained so much from reading other peoples stories .

I am 39 years old and have known my husband for 21 years. We have 3 daughters 8,4 and 2.5 years.

I am an Australian and I was living in Japan with my Australian husband and 3 daughters when I discovered that my husband was having an affair whilst on a trip back home to have a vasectomy ( We had completed our family and this was a mutual decision, to have a vasectomy) We met at 18, married at 23 had our first child 9 years later at 32, travelled to London with a 2.5 yr old and then Singapore, where we had another 2 children and finally Tokyo. So life has been extremely busy.

D-Day was March 3rd and I was in Tokyo with 3 young children not knowing what was happening. My husband was in Australia denying that an affair was taking place when I had proof positive that it was. That was the most soul destroying bit for me. Not knowing what was going on.

OW is a single, multimillionairess who cycles ( This is my husbands passion) the world in amateur events with no parents, no family, no job and no friends.

Hence exposure has only been to our friends and work people, we are in the same medical industry. My husbands parents fully support this affair as he is an only child and his father was an alcoholic ( hence the family love af secrecy) and they do not want to lose the love of their only child.

To complicate matters I am half a world away from home and support with 3 young children and my husband returns from this trip to tell me that he loves me but he also loves this other woman.

Fast forward 6 months from D Day. Lots of flip flopping going on from my husband. I have now made the decision to move back to Australia (as I could no longer live with the flip flop in a foreign land ) with the children and he is living in Tokyo with OW , who flew there the moment I left and he is planning on moving to Philadelphia in December to work and live, not sure if OW is planning on going too.

Anyway my question is about the children. My husband has just said that he has decide that he longer wants to have a family. He wants his freedom. Luckily being an expat family we have been able to tell them so far that we have decided to move back to Australia and that Mummy will be setting up life here and then Daddy will be coming. Which was what was happening in June but now with Daddy deciding to take a job in the US things have changed and we now have to tell them that we will no longer be living together at all.

I have mostly settled here at home, furniture has arrived, boxes unpacked, kids settled in schools and day care and I am about to start work, so now is the time to tell them.

My husband is coming in late October for the 2 older childrens birthdays . Our children are 8, 4 and 2.5. He also still believes that he can come and go like he is on holidays when he is here rather that take the children to where he is staying for a week or two. He also does not want to tell the children anything at all. Combined with the fact that his parents, who fully support the affair , because they love their son cannot understand why they cannot stay at my place to see their grandchildren.

I feel as if I am going insane sometimes. That I am the only one who finds this behaviour unacceptable and to say no. I need to set rigid boundaries going forward but I don't really know what they should be. My husband has always travelled with work and now expects that I will still be the one to forward him photos and videos of the children as well as encourage their relationship with him to the extent that they send emails everyday and speak on the phone twice a day, at the moment they do not want to speak to him at all, they are so young.

We are legally separated and after the way that I have been treated I am headed for divorce which I cannot apply for till May 2006.

So my questions are.....What and when do we tell the children? And if my husband will not tell them then I quess I have to tell them on my own. What boundaries do I need to set regarding the way in which visits are handled?

How much am I responsible for developing my children's relationship with their father when he is ooverseas and may only see them twice or 3 times a year.

What do I do next?

What and when to tell the kids:

follow 3 basic principles

1. Offer information that is age-appropriate.


2. Do NOT lie to you children.

Kid: "Is Daddy coming back?"

Mom: "Only to visit. He is not going to live here with us anymore."

Kid:"Why not?"

Mom: "Daddy doesn't want to live with Mommie."

Kid: "Who is (OW's name)?"

Mom: "That is Daddy's girlfriend."

Kid: "But Daddies aren't supposed to have a girlfriend are they?"

Mom: "I don't think that married Daddies should have a girlfriend, no."

3. Answer any question asked.

Older kid: "Is Daddy cheating on you?"

Mom "Yes, Daddy is cheating on me."

Kid: "Are you mad at daddy?"

Mom: "I am angry at what daddy is doing."

Kid: "Why are you angry Mommie?"

Mom: "I am angry that good children and a good family is now missing their daddy. This hurts and makes me angry. But I will not stay angry. I will get better after awhile."

Kid: "Does Daddy hate us?"

Mom: "I don't think so. But you ask him to be sure."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hope this helps ...

hope you have a pitbull attorney !!!!

I can so relate to your situation. I'm an expat in Hong Kong. My WH is having an A with a local chinese woman who has her own business and appears to be wealthy. It is such a horrible mess. I haven't left here as I don't have a home to go to in England and actually quite like my life here. I plan to leave in 2 years time unless I am forced out before (I'm here as his dependant).

I don't have any advice for you regarding your girls. Mine are older yet it is the hardest thing to try to explain to the children. Especially when you feel so wronged yourself. I made a vow to myself only yesterday that I will not encourage any relationship between my WH and the girls. It is up to him. I feel like a go-between. That said, I have never bad-mouthed him to the girls. We have an added complication in that he has kidney failure. He seems to think life on a dialysis machine will be a breeze. It will be business as usual. I feel like he has lost his mind.

It is a unique situation you are in. I'm so terribly sorry for what you are going through but there are some wonderful people here. Maybe someone will pipe in with some encouragement and advice but if you're looking for empathy, that will be me!! TT

.

This ain't over yet. Your husband will not be able to get rid of his feelings for you so easily..... hang in there ...


He's living in a fantasy .... and because it is a fantasy ... the 'fall back to Earth' will be nasty.

"freedom" is another word for nothing left to lose..... as the song goes.



hmmmmm

Is OW flying in too?

We could come up with suggestions for this visit if you want to try and Plan A your husband ....


He wants to lie to the children .... that is how this particular babble is interpreted ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


OOPS !!! There goes the grandparent visitation ... I would nip that piece of nastyness right in the bud ... their attitude just exiled them from their grand kids .... until the family court system gets involved. Why? Because grandparents are not supposed to support immorality and corruption of their grand kids .... that's why. Even if you have to bend this rule at a later time ... for now, they are cut off.... (my opinion only, not MB advice whatsoever)


Without arguement or discussion ... do not do this. Kids know how to dial a phone and use email. If they initiate .... great .... if not ... too damn bad.



When the children seek contact, make it happen. When they don't .... it is not your business to make HIM comfortable with his choice to be a Daddy is theory only .... screw that !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

PS .... did your H actually get the vasectomy done?

(((((((((((Abhanzo))))))))))

You've come to the right place. You do have some unique factors but our WS tend to follow the same script. There are a few permutations but they almost always sing the same song.

My WH and I met and married young, too. Our 3 kids are older than yours but WH does the same thing with them. He seems to think it no problem for him to just drop by on holidays and at his discretion. It's always when it's good for him, not when we really need him. I now refuse to scramble for the crumbles of his attention.

It is not your responsiblity to maintain your children's relationship with their father. It is his. My WH is the shadowman. He's always been at work and busy, busy, busy. Basically, I have been midwifing my kids' contact with their dad for their entire lives. I no longer do so. WH phones our boys on their cellphones when it's convenient for him. (Although, my boys say he really doesn't know what to say to them.) WH doesn't have the balls to rebuild his relationship with his daughter. All of this is HIS problem, not mine. If WH doesn't get a card from his kids on his birthday, it has nothing to do with me.

My WH is also having lots of fun with his new freedom. He's got his girlfriend and an apartment filled with expensive, new things. He goes to bars a lot. He has turned his back on all of the responsiblities that go with being a father and an adult except providing a paycheck. (Believe me, I'm happy he at least does that.)

My Inlaws are not truly enablers of the A but are complete conflict avoiders. For all of their religiousness and morals, they are unable to come out and tell their son he is doing a bad thing. I often feel that I'm the only one who has taken a strong stand on it. My Inlaws have a hard time grasping the fact that I refuse to be at activities with WH.

Be honest with your children. Mine are older but there came a time when they HAD to know. Be honest. Be gentle. Be age appropriate. Choose your time well. My DS found out right before finals. He says it was really unbearable.

Your children are not really old enough to make the decision about how much they want to be with their dad. He is. Do not let him stay at your house. You set up your new household without him and it should stay that way. Establish up some guidelines. When he's around will he take them for the day and return them home? Will they sleep whereever he is sleeping? Will there be contact with OW? (No, no, no, no, no) Does he take them singlarly or as a group? WH might become the "good time daddy" who takes them to fun places and brings presents or he could be absentee.

Try to maintain good contact between the children and their grandparents. That gives them a little stability.

We're here for you. A lot of us are in the same boat.

Thank you all so much for replying while I have been sleeping.

I would never lie to my children, and I haven't so far, I just need to pick the right time to tell them the truth, and do I do it alone or with their father?

Everything that you have told me is correct. The OW is extremely tight with her money. They have had numerous trips together and my husband has always paid and believe me we are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. I have already got the financial settlemant and it was generous and has allowed me to move back to my house and set it up the way I want and get a car and get the children settled before starting work.

I am moving on at a rapid rate as I really cannot see wanting my husband back after so much disrespect for 21 beautiful years together.

I truly believe that he is addicted to excitment and this is just the next new and exciting thing. So he can have that for as long as it lasts and I get to watch our beautiful daughters grow up every day. Who wins there?

And no he did not get the vasectomy as the week got a little too emotional for him after I found out that he was buying boots with her in a shoe shop when his mobile phone accidently went off in his pocket and I heard the conversation!!!!!

I literally had no clue that this was happening.

I swear I could write a movie script, it has been quite farsical at times.

I really would love for him to come home and live nearby for the children, but he is just running away and I think that you are right, it will be his decision to work on his relationship with his daughters or he will be an absentee fathers who turns up with presents all the time.

As for the trip in October he thinks he can come home for a holiday, stay in a hotel and visit with the children returning them to me at night. It just doesn't seem right that they will never have him care for them overnight and do all the harder bits of the parenting and just be the candyland dad that does lots of trips with them.

He will not stay in my house ,even though he wants to, he has gone insane.

Also he doesn't want to have OW have contact with the children. He wants to keep the 2 lives very separate.

So there you have it.

Thanks again