Lately I have been up late doing school work and getting the house together. I also stay up late because I don't want the quietness that sleep brings. As soon as I lay in bed, thoughts of the past year fill my head. I roll over in hopes that I can shake them, I cry, I just can't close my eyes and fall asleep.

I think of what my WH said on August 31 of 04 when OW showed up at my door. When she came to the door, he said 'that is OW, stay inside, she is drunk' After about 5-10 minutes of watching them chat on the front steps, I walked out and told her to leave my residence, at once. They both left.
He has many times told me that if I had stayed in the house like he had told me to, he wouldn't have left with her, and we would still be together today...and the last year of hurt and drama wouldn't have happened.

I think about the time about 3 months ago when WH and I were driving around town. He was supposidly in NC, and we were 'together'. We looking for something to do together, and had just stopped at the movie theater to see if any good movies were playing, and then we were just driving around. I said 'why are you driving around so much, are you looking for OW or something?' He said 'I already found her' I said 'what are you talking about' He said 'she is at the laundry mat' (which was literally a block away. By a very bad decision we stopped at the Laundry Mat. He said he needed to tell her that the old landlord called him and said that OW hadn't returned the keys and she needed to. I knew it was a horrible idea, I told him that if he stopped it would be VERY brief and just to tell her that. In a strange way, I wanted her to see us together, in his car. I thought I could prove to her that we were back together, and trying to recover a marriage ripped apart, partly because of her. Well he parked the car on the side where she couldn't see me, and he went up to tell her. It started well. He said "Danielle and I were driving around and saw you and I need to tell you that landlord needs the keys that you said you already gave to her" It went downhill. She ended saying 'well Clint and I...' and WH realized that OW was seeing someone else, she he was with me so much. He flipped out. He started asking about Clint, and then I said 'Adam, let's go, now' and he came. We left. I wonder what would have happened if I was smart and strong enough to say 'NO, we are NOT stopping'

I realize, deep down inside, that NOTHING would have changed, besides the fact that I wouldn't have those memories. He wasn't REALLY in NC for more then 14 days at any one time, and he would have found a reason to contact her again, regardless of the landry mat.

Wow, this has gone on forever. Point is...when I lay down to sleep, these thoughts take over and I can't sleep. I lay there, trying so hard to think of something else. It's like a circle. I think of say 'the beach' and then my thoughts end up being OW and WH at the beach..

Does anyone have any ideas to stop this maddness??
My days go well, and I HAVE grown a lot. I havn't talked to WH since August 17th. For me that is a big achomplishment. I realize that I don't know where he is, or his number. I do know OWs number, I could call his cell company and get his new number, I could drive up north to the campground I think they are at, etc. I won't...
However, my nights are not going so well. All night I dream of WH... Sometimes good dreams, of us together as though nothing ever happened. Sometimes bad dreams, of WH and OW...

Danielle

((((((Danielle))))))))

I think we all go through this...the not sleeping part. I can be sound asleep and then wake up with a start. You can guess who is the first person on my mind. I can't go to back to sleep after that.

Plan B is a wonderful thing. It gives one the space and sanity one needs. It's time for you to move on and detach yourself from the drama. WH has made his choice. Leave him behind. I know, it's easy for me to say but I'm at a similar point. You have a life to live and children to raise and classes to attend.

What are you planning to do with the rest of your life? You are a "new" you. You can do anything you want. Dream some new dreams.

Danielle,
I can feel through your words the pain you feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I will pray if god has chosen not to heal your marriage, that he grants you peace of mind and spirit.

Bonded by the common pain, only an affair of the heart brings.
K.D's Heartbreak

I remember those sleepless nights--I would second guess myself, wonder about WH etc., etc.

I found a great book called "Embracing Uncertainty" by Susan Jeffers. She helped me look at things differently. Another book called Forgive for Good by Fred Lusking helped me with the technique to imagine that your thoughts are grouped like TV channels--like Weather or Sports, instead it is the "WHat If?" channel and the "Whatever happened to my H..." channel and on and on. But there is also on your channel lineup the "My Wonderful Kids" channel and the "Blessings I Have Been Given" channel and the "MY dreams" channel. When you can't sleep or wake up and start on the channels that bring you down--CHANGE the CHANNEL. Consciously stop watching one and start thoughts of the other. If you find the channel changing by itself, stop again and change consciously to what will be best for you.

This is a great technique for everything in life! It has made me a lot calmer! It is an exercise in self control, something I have always needed to improve.

Congrats on no contact since 8/17--step by step. Hang in there Dani, it WILL get better!

One of the terrible things about being a BS is that others, in secrecy, are making decisions that deeply affect you and your life, and you have no say. Often, you don't even find out about these decisions till days, weeks, years later.

The powerlessness is one of the aspects we don't discuss much here -- but it is deeply affecting.

One of the ways we react to this powerlessness is to assign great meaning to moments where things "could have been different." If only I... We think that huge events hinge on a smile or a phone call, because it's hard to accept how much we have been disempowered.

But to see the silliness of it, trying putting yourself in WH's shoes. "If only if..." "If only I hadn't yelled at Dani [infinite number of moments]" "If only I hadn't **** with OW [infinite number of moments]" "If only I hadn't been abusive [infinite number of moments]." You'll see how uneven the scales are, and that only a handful of his actions supported the outcome you wanted. This was never in your hands. Be reasonable.

You are just putting together YOUR choices from what has been left to you.

I too still have those dreams. They're just dreams.

Most sleep medications mess you up -- melatonin can be pretty gentle.

Daniel,

We all go through this. It is going on a year for me when my X left for good and I still think back. I remember how bad this hurt the kids... I will never forget it. My job as a father (and my WW's) is to protect our kids. But, a WS sees things differently and hurting the kids is for the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, the day we told the kids will haunt me forever.

Do not let him blame you for what he is doing. That without a doubt, that is one of the cruelest things a WS does.

Keith

Dani,

The What if game is dangerous. Accept the fact that you are doing your best. If the WS is that fragile, he'd better be locked up for his own protection.

Nope, it is not your fault. Don't let the tentacles of the A reach into your mind and heart. Remember that clear mind, calm heart I always talk about? Well this is the kind of time you need to recall that your goal is to obtain and retain that status.

That is why doing a stellar plan A is vital. If you feel yo u haven't review where you have been and where you are now. Do you feel a loss? Yes but it is for your H not the creature he has become. Mourn the loss of your H as if he is MIA. But keep moving forward. If the WS ever lets your H go free, then that is the one you s/b welcoming back.

The incidents you mentioned were done in the presence of the WS. Very scary that you were with him that often. I know at the time it seemed like the right thing t/d but now you know better, right?

Hugz,
L.