Last night when Wh came home at 10:30, I was wearing a super cute night outfit that also seemed casual. He checked me out a lot and even caressed my arm a little bit, a couple of times he accidentially touched my breast.

So, no home run, but I am not unpleased by the results.

torture him

show no mercy

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

more....

when you are both at home and you are just doing 'stuff' around the house

try humming or softly singing and a little dancing with the broom

be fun to be with

Accidental? Want to bet on this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Time for you to have some ACCIDENTAL brushes and touches...

You've got it... BE SUBTLE..

What's the "OUTFIT" for the concert?

I am a great hummer! Why does humming make people seem mysterious?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are so mysterious!

Is this as in POLE (dancing with the broom)? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL...just kidding...

Keep humming....

Does dancing with the little ones work too?

Man, except they are so beautiful its impossible to compete with them.

*****
Eldest (2) cradeled youngest's (1) head in her hands and looked lovingly at her sister and said, "Oh baby! You're super toot, just like me." Toot, is how eldest says cute.

Feeling a little bit down yesterday and today. I have been trying to feel as bad as possible to see if I can push myself to end our marriage? Maybe that's what I've been doing.

I know that WH saw my pain from his A - and still engaged in the A.

He was willing to hurt me to get what he wants. My pain has been an acceptable consequence for his actions. What makes it safe to love him again?

Why would I want to love someone who ran over my heart?

Yesterday I told WH that he doesn't need me. He said that he needs me to help guide him out of this muck.

Just now I told WH that I looked up OW photographs on the internet yesterday. WH had a function, an awards thing for the theater community in town. One of his partners went with him. I was dissapointed that WH didn't take me so I looked up photographs of the OW. WHAT? I want to feel bad?

but the weird thing is, it's not really working. I tried to feel bad for two days and all I could muster up is a few tears. That's it.

WH said, well that's good. Right?

and I said, I think so.

It's weird. I don't feel better because WH and I are better (we're still in the ICU) I feel better, I think, because I am better.

My mom told me this story today. God told a man to push a rock. The man pushed and pushed and pushed. After a long, long time he said, God, I have failed. I have not moved the boulder. God said, you did not fail. I told you only to push the rock so you could become strong, but it is I who will move it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

feeling good followed by feeling crappy is par for the recovery journey.

hang in there.

YOU are one great person!

I like you.

You make me blush...

I like you too!

So just had a conversation with WH about our lack of passion. Actually it was a pretty good conversation and WH felt relieved that he could talk about it with me.

There is a basic lack of sexyiness. He doesn't feel sexy around me. I don't make him feel sexy. I don't feel sexy around him because, in a lot of ways the A was a huge billboard announcing "I don't want Loy."

He does like to cuddle in bed and relax with me at night, it is very important to him and but sexyiness (from me about him) makes him scared. Scared because he wants that for us, scared because he doesn't know what to do.

Following?

He thinks I'm beautiful and attractive. I asked him if he likes any of the changes I've made. He said yes, you were dressing like pretty dowdy for a while.

Well, duh, I had gained 55 lbs during my first pregnancy and it look a long time to loose it all, like 7 months, and I became depressed for a while after our first child. *I get upset that no one noticed I became depressed and realized that I was not in love with my H. I was not in love with my daughter, I was not in love with life. As I started to come out of my poor transistion into parenthood I became pregnant again and H freaked into a WH. But, at least he felt desired again and I had not desired him for a while.

Where am I going with this?

This sounds like a bunch of excuses. I didn't take care of myself and my life. I got lost and depressed.

I am very much annoyed that WH felt sexy with OW, but I sometimes feel sexy because a handsome stranger smiles at me. (Oh, somewhere in there WH said he has never really felt free to be sexy with me. I do have a girlishness about me. I look younger than I am and I always get undeserved credit for being innocent. Example, when I make a randy joke I sometimes deliever it in such an off hand way to take people off guard. But they always seem to interpret that as my "not understanding" what I said. Come on.

Anyway, we both feel a lot of pressure and if we could only relax....

When I am sexy WH is stressed
When I make advances WH is stressed
When we talk about this issue for too long WH is uncomfortable

My chosen method of dealing with this issue has been to back off, but that hasn't helped. Today I told him, I want to kiss you and be kissed by you. I miss your kisses.

I don't really have a plan for new ways to deal with this issue, but I know that avoiding it and bringing it up once every in a while has not resulted in any change.

We did have one episode of SF this year that was very nice, a little sexy, and relaxed. But that was when I thought the A had been over for 10 months (when in fact it was still going on).

Maybe I didn't feel the pressure to compete with her, maybe I felt reassured that it was just us in the relationship.

Did he explain this?

I had to wait awhile for this. Withdrawal, getting rid of her scent, took a full 6 months in our case.

It maybe because it's early in Recovery.I don't know how long it has been for you.

Do you think it has something to do with his need for Admiration?

The A "ended" Labor Day weekend, so its just been 4 months.

I am sure this has a lot to do with his need for admiration which has been very difficult for me to fill. It almost like he can't take my admiration for him. He beleives I shouldn't admire him in any way. That I couldn't. What is it about guilt that makes you immune to anothers admiration? On my part it is frusterating to give admiration that is deflected or denied.

Focusing on my own feelings of sexyness, it probably would easier for me to feel sexy with someone else only because I could pretend to be someone or something else. Being sexy and honest is hard. I can't hide with WH. He knows the most unsexy stuff about me. He has seen me give birth twice, which has to look like my vagina exploded. I know that he has prefered sex with other women to me. I know that I am not enough for him.

What is sexy? How can you honestly be sexy with so much rejection?

Loy:

It's early in Recovery for you.

As someone has said here before, "RECOVERY IS NOT FOR SISSIES..."


We went through the exact same pattern as you.



My FWH said the exact same thing to me. However, I ignored him in a way. I found that I could sincerely express my APPRECIATION of him day to day about SPECIFIC THINGS.... That counts for ADMIRATION...He felt uncomfortable with more generalized statements...such as "YOU are a GOOD MAN"....He knows stuff that you don't know or don't want to know about BAD things that he did and he is suffering more than you may know about this, Loy....

You said:



Aren't you an EXPERT in how to TURN YOUR HUSBAND ON? I think you are lacking confidence in yourself. Claim your territory. Since you are the mother of his children and so close to him, who can know him better? My H was present for two C-sections and another MAJOR SURGERY....

Edited to add:

He may be continuing to go through withdrawal..Withdrawal for my FWH took a full 6 months..Some of the fog probably continues to exist...

It has taken a full 2 years for my H to seem really like himself again..It's like layers would come off..sometimes gradually..sometimes swiftly....

I am so mad.

I knew WH would be working late at the theater last night. I expected him to work until the early hours of the morning. I thought the latest he would come home would be 3 a.m.

He never came home.

He called me at 7:15 a.m. to tell me that he just slept at the theater. I couldn't get ahold of him by his cell, I couldn't reach him at the theater (the rigner was off).

This morning I told him how thoughtless this was. That I was tired of worrying about him. I asked him what has been the lonstest period of time that he went without being able to find me. Then I said I had to go and bring the girls to day care and hung up.

He left me a message at work apologizing, saying how thoughtless he was.
He left me a message hoping we could meet up for lunch.
He has sent me flowers wishing me a "Good morning!"

I am so angry. I am not hurt. I am pissed.

Does he want to be part of this marriage?

I am not ready to talk to him.

Who the ****** is he?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is willing to persue relationship with other womene. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is unwilling to protect their spouse from unloving behavior.

WHO IS HE?

Oh, Loy;

I really feel for you.

For one thing, I have had a almost lifelong pattern of angry outbursts. I overreact out of anger. Been there done there, it has gotten me nowhere.

Learning to calm myself down, to think and plan, before reacting has been one of the best outcomes of all of this for ME...a MAJOR STEP IN MY PERSONAL RECOVERY...

So whatever you do, CALM YOURSELF DOWN..THINK ABOUT THIS..PLAN....

Next thing..my FWH's MO was to not come home all night...Just to think of those nights, gives me the shivers..It was highly inconsiderate of him not to call you especially given the early stages of RECOVERY...

My first question: Any chance that he had contact with the OW last night or did he really just spend the night at the theater?

Regardless of whether the answer is yes or not, it was IMPERATIVE FOR ME that MY H agree to being available to me 24/7. His cell phone is NEVER turned off and if it is or if he is not available, he GLADLY calls me to EXPLAIN...

Maybe your H has a reasonable explanation, maybe he is being inconsiderate... However, from now on, I think he needs to have the cellphone on and he needs to call you. I think that is a REASONABLE AND NORMAL EXPECTATION FOR YOU to have at this point...

In your conversation with him, FOCUS on this PARTICULAR INCIDENT, how such a thing CANNOT EVER HAPPEN AGAIN and KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN....

I do not have a history of angry outbursts. I am very slow to anger. Twice have I felt THIS RAGE that is in me right now.

The first time it was when my Aunt's in-laws said that she could bring her daughter to their 50th anniversary party (that my aunt planned) but requested that her sons - their grandsons (one with down syndrome and the other with brain damage) not attend the celebration.

The second time is now.

I probably was not this MAD during the A because I was too hurt, shocked, fearful, and just felt worthless.

Present day, I am not shocked, fearful, or feeling worthless. I am just MAD.

I don't even care if he was with OW right now. Who needs this crap in their lives?

I am pretty sure I had made accessibility clear as a boundary.

I don't know how to even look at him.

Here is my take on this disappointing turn of events.... he's lying.

Do not get angry or raise your voice. Doing that has no useful purpose.

What do you want to do? Are you willing to try and work through this or not? Really, the ball is in your court right now.

If this were me? Once I could confirm he was not dead or in the hospital ... I would move all his things out. A big pile of his stuff in the garage. This is just me and because I don't believe in false recovery after false recovery ... I take action I don't discuss my feelings with someone who can easily disregard my feelings... I tend to make my decision once I have all the facts I need to make a decision.

Do you have all the facts you need to make a decision?