D is final. It hasn't been long, but we have been seperated and I feel I have left go and ready to date. Even my IC thinks I need to start. Am I truly ready?? I don't know. I know that I don't want X back, that I am happy with me and my life, and I don't need a man to complete me. However I am lonely and wish to share things with someone. How can one really know when they are ready? I just think i need to start, but here are my conerns:

- I haven't dated since I was 17 (now 32). I don't know the rules of the game and I'm scared to death.

- Since our seperation, I have met a lot of men. They appear interested in me, but I have no interest in them. Sexual attraction seems to be very important to me. However I have done a lot of reading on this board and most seem to think that SA is not a great indicator of worthwhile relationships.

- I don't trust myself in recognizing a healthy partner. I made excuses for and chased my X when he clearly had issues and made it clear that he didn't want me, yet I kept going back for more.

- I wear my heart on my sleeve and I trust people. I've read here about staying emotionally distant and I'm not sure I know how. I'm scared that the first guy that I find attractive and allow to meet some of my EN I will fall for hard. THIS IS A BIG CONCERN

- I fear rejection. I felt rejected by my X and I know rejection goes along with dating, but I'm not sure if I can handle it. What if I let another man in and he rejects me?
I have good self esteem. I am attractive and smart. Men seem to be taken by me. I know that I am a giver and a good caring person inside. I was just so hurt by X and affected by all the mean things he said. X thought I was sexy. It was everything else about me that he disliked. So knowing that men like my looks, if they reject me they must be rejecting the real me. I don't like the idea of testing my inner self esteem again and again.

So my questions - How do I get back into dating? Are my concerns ones that others share?
I'm thinking about doing "It's just Lunch". I think it will be a less risky way of meeting people. So meeting men won't be the problem. It's just how I handle myself after I do. Suggestions????

Lucky,

First of all, remember that you have been hurt and it is going to take a while to heal so don't force anything.

Nobody likes rejection but I think those of us that BS's are hurt even more so as we have been rejected by someone we loved and trusted.

As for those things your X said, don't believe it. I am not sure what your situation was but if he was having an affair then you really cannot believe it as it was all hurtful fog talk to justify what he was doing.


The answer to this one is easy Lucky... just be yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LS~~

I understand where you are coming from, the whole thought of dating is scary to me also.

I have been divorced for almost 2 years now, and I'm a bit older than you, but the idea of dating still scares me.

I have only dated one guy, which became a relationship, that happened too soon. I believe I pretty much did what you described above. This guy treated me wonderful, I could go on and on, and I did fall hard. It has since ended, and it's been a hard recovery, one I'm still working on.

The only advice I can give you is, don't date because your counselor or anyone else tells you that you should. Do what feels right for you.
When you do decide to, it will probably be with someone that you have somewhat of an attraction for, and it might not be so scary.
Try to take things slow, as you're still healing, even though your D is final.

Best of Luck to you!
Karona

Rule #1 - Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Rule #2 - Avoid people who don't follow Rule #1.

Everything else is just learning how to interact with people.



I don't think that is the case. It is different for different people. Personally, I don't date women whom I am not attracted to. I tried it the other way because I didn't want to be "shallow", but it is what it is. Physical attraction is an EN I need fufilled in a relationship. Now, that being said, beautiful people have their own set of problems too and can be downright ugly in their own way. So you have to take that into account when you are looking at a person.



First, a healthy person will recognize a healthy partner. Not trying to be derogatory, but if you chose to be in a co-dependant relationship, then the chances are good that you have "issues" yourself. Have you dealt with these issues?



I have the same problem. I tend to fall fast and hard. I have chosen to date multiple women in an attempt to keep from doing it again.



Nope. You are making an assumption that you just cannot know. People reject other people for many, many reasons. Most of the time you will never know the reason why. It is unproductive to make a blanket statement and say "this is the reason so and so rejected me" because you really don't know. Besides, just because someone else doesn't recognize your inner value doesn't mean that it's not there.

Rejection sucks. No way around it. But if it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be.


Just do it, and Yep.

Yes I am ready to date. The more I think about it the more certain I am. Rejection is so a fear for me. I am a BS whose X started the A when I was 6 months preg. Talk about rejection. About three months ago I met someone that turned my head. He seemed very interested and then disappeared. No I wasn't that invested, but it still hurt and really scared me about dating. But I agree that I must jump back on and really start. So wish me luck

- "I don't trust myself in recognizing a healthy partner. I made excuses for and chased my X when he clearly had issues and made it clear that he didn't want me, yet I kept going back for more."

Have you had any counseling for this? If you haven't worked it out, then chances are very good that you will keep making the same mistakes.

Don't go looking for your next significant other. Date with the intention of learning how to be with a man again who you aren't intimate with, engaging in conversation, learning to read signals & a host of other things we learn from other people.

Just by being around men I think we get our feet wet & relearn the skills we need if we don't jump in with both feet with the first man we see.

Trust yourself to be a good judge of character & know that you learned from your experience with your ex.

If you get a little, quite feeling inside that says you may be moving to fast listen to it but don't run, just acknowledge it & examine why it's there.

I have been in counseling on and off for the last two years. I have tackled my issues, but issues are so hard to pinpoint. I mean a BS's put up with so much and are told so much that weeding thru all of it is exhausting. I feel that I am healthy and I see my mistakes in the M, but who knows right?

I intend to date to have fun and find out about men and me, but isn't the thought of looking for the significant other always in the back of your mind. I mean I am 32 and would love to get M again and have more children. So as I'm dating shouldn't I keep those goals somewhere in the back of my mind?

I think I am a fairly good judge of character, but I just don't understand men. For ex, I met this man last Thurs for drinks. We hit it off and I swore he was interested. He even gave me a polite hug at the end of our 2 hours together and asked for my #. so he calls the very next night. We talk, still seems interested even though we live an hour away. At the end of the conversation, he gives me his # and I let him know that I would love to hear from him again. (Trying to let the man chase, as I was told I should to see if he is really into me) He says he will call. Anyway, I didn't hear from him after 5 days so a friend suggested I call. i did and left a message on voicemail. Still waiting tonight and no call. I'm confused????? Should I be or is this normal? I would of thought that he would of called by now and wanted to know what my weekend looked like. I just don't understand what I am supposed to be doing. How come all the ones that I like seem to like me and then nothing? And I know that it can't be me because they don't really know me

LOL, you should try sitting on this side of the fence trying to understand women... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That he hasn't called... Don't read too much into it. Don't take it personally. Obviously if he says he's going to call, he should call. He's a bit of a jerk if he doesn't.

But, you really don't know what his week has been like. My life can get really busy and sometimes it is hard to find the time.

This is why it is better to initially date multiple people. If you had another guy or two who was paying attention to you, then you wouldn't be so focused on whether or not this guy calls you. If he calls, then great, if he doesn't, big deal. You've got two other guys who want to spend time with you. Focusing on how often this guy calls isn't moving you forward.

Finding "the one" is always in the back of my mind. I'm having fun right now and learning a lot, but my ultimate goal is to find the woman who will spend the rest of her life with me.

Yes, I think you should have in the back of your mind that you want a life partner, just don't put that on each person the moment you meet them.

For example, you meet someone for coffee for the first time, there's lots to talk about to help you discover who they are before you bring to the front of your mind their potential for being your life partner. Are they kind to the wait person, do they criticize the people surrounding you, do they talk down their former spouse, what's their relationship like with their parents, kids, etc...These are the first things to tackle.

I really liked the book The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle. Has a lot of good, practical advise.

Why do you have to date?

Nams,
I understand what you mean now and I don't think I look for the significant other immediately. I do look at the person and start to examine what I am seeing, but I always keep the potentials in my head.

I think dating multiple people would be great for me. This way I am not waiting for "the call" and I get the opportunity to learn about many men. The problem is I'm not finding multiple men to date. I signed up for "It's just Lunch", but so far I have only met a few people. The ones that I like haven't been great about calling so I wait. the ones that I know I don't want to pursue are the ones that are really interested. They seem to be nice men, but I have no physical attraction. I tried dating one of them twice and by the end of the evening I felt like I was using him and prayed he didn't try to touch me. Not a good thing. So what I am saying is that I am finding it hard not to wait around when I don't have a lot of options.

Thanks for the advice on the book. I think I need a dating book for dummies

Luckystar -

Have patience. I promise you that there is someone out there for you. Just start living the life you want, and hope that someone will join you. Then is when it happens.

I'm waaaayyyyyyyyy older than you. In fact I didn't meet my kids dad until I was older than you, and then we had 2 boys. I stayed married for 10 years, and then he died. Then I married my now WH.

Now I am almost divorced and have complete confidence that I will meet someone else.

Look around here. There are lots of men and women that are starting over. The same is true where you live. You will find someone, so just relax. In the meantime, make your life a good one, and one that someone could share.

Because I haven't been able to convince a complete stranger to walk down the aisle with me yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's not that I have to date, but I want to. I have a sense of inner peace. Last night I rented movies, took a bubble bath and had a great quiet night by myself. The problem is I don't want to do it tonight too. I miss my DD on weekends that she is with her dad.

Believer
Maybe you are right that I am trying to rush things, but for the last two years I have watched life pass me by. I fought for a M that could never be. Perhaps even for the wrong reasons. During that time I did grow and heal even though I didn't realize it. Now I'm ready and I guess I just want it to happen. Patience is right. I just need to get some.

It is also very hard watching your X moving on and their life "appears so great". I don't know the whole truth there and I don't really care. It's probably not a healthy relationship, but he has someone to do things with. Why don't I? Probably because I am much picker. But it bothers me that I men I do like and appear to like me, just don't call. So yes I want to start dating and learn a new side to me while enjoying the company of a man. I know SLOW DOWN, but I hate the idea of another Sat. night at home alone.

That's one of the hard parts when your spouse decides to look around for someone else while still married. I wasted 3 years trying to save my marriage.

But the thing is, there are tons of guys out there, and one is just right for you. It is important to get out and do lots of things, because he isn't going to come to your door. And it would be wise to date several at once.

Well I didn't sit home Sat night, I went out to some clubs with a single gf. We had a blast laughing, but what a disappointment. The men are either definately toooo young, old perverts trying to get some (those are who like me), with other woman or smile at me but never spoke.

Wow I would love to date multiple people, but pickings look so slim. Maybe my problem is that I want it to happen overnight and it's not going to. But I'm finding that single life and dating isn't much fun.

Could also be that you are going to the wrong places... Clubs are not typically the best places to meet quailty people. All you'll see are mostly guys looking for sex, just like you found out...

AGG

I can see that clubs are not going to be the place to meet Mr. Right. I just don't know where the right places are. My church is old. I have met no one at the grocery store. I am a teacher. I work with two men. both M. I don't have time for social clubs. I only meet M men at the playground. It's just so frustrating.