I am 28, my Husband 31,we do not have a child.
Hi.
I have seen thıs web-side 1 week ago.My husband found it and he recommended me to read it.I wish I could find it long time ago.
I have been married 2 and half years, and in 2004 I went to another country to finish my Ph.D. thesis.My husband could not come wıth me and I stayed for 1 year in that country alone.I saw him twice .One in May for 1 week and in July for 3 weeks. I had many problems that year and the year before related to my job.I was forced to go that country to study on my thesis I had no chance or that time I could not find one.
From Agust to late October I had many difficulties related to my experiments. I had only 3 months left but nothing was going well. I was in a depression and there was nobody to talk and share my feelings and giving me logical advices or least hug me and told me that everything would be fine.I was talking to my husband on the msn but it was not the same as being with him and be hugged by him. I should confess that time he was behaving wonderful and trying to be more supportive as always.
I had a officemate and we started to work together at the begining of December. In January I had an affair with him for one month.At the begining of February I left both the country and him. When I came back home I was devastated because I did not know what was right and what was wrong. The all I did know was I belong to my husband and I had to learn to forget OM forever. My husband did not deserve what I did to him.At the airport he was carrying georgeus flowers and he was smiling because his love was coming after 1 year. What I did was just kissing him and hug him thats all. My mind and my heart were mixed up. That night when we were in bed, I started to cry and told him that "I did not deserve him and I am not a good wife".
Early in the morning I tried to talk to OM when my husband was putting his head on my knee.OM was telling me that "Do not hurt my H".I was telling my H that OM was my friend. One day later we had an big argument in front of my family. I keep telling him that OM was just my friend and nothing happened between us. I could not confess my A that time and my H,wonderful man, just believed me because he loved me very much. From February to May, I was getting mail messages from OM and sometimes talking to on msn in front of my husband. I was rarely talking to OM on msn alone. He was still helping me about my experiments and other stuffs related to lab. Every morning I was praying God for forgetting OM as soon as possible.I had a wonderful man with me and I want to open my heart to him.Finally ,3 weeks before my husband found the evidences of my affair(he was suspicious about that since February)I really broke up with him. I did not send any e-mail to him and every morning I was feeling peaceful.When my husband found out,everyting im my life was ruined. The fog period continued almost a month and we went to counselor.That month, my husband was still very nice and thoughtful and he was willing to help me.I think that time he was still loving me.In April,I and my husband bought an aprtment.God knows how much I want to have it. I saved money for that when I was in that country. We had a roller coster relationship till we started to rebuild the apartment. my mom pay the half of the apartment and they came to help us. By the time they arrived everyting became like a disaster. I and mY H were in depression and we were both trying to pretend that we did not have marriage problems. My H sometimes blew up but he still kept himself patient. Those days, I was very busy with my job and my family. I did not have time to think about my marriage at all. We moved to our new apartment and then went to one week vacation. At that vacation, my husband told me that "he did not love me anymore and he wanted to divorce". I was begging him not to.We were not really talking to our problems together I have prefered to ignore the situation and acting like a wife I had to be before and thinking to be better for my H. I have a lot changed since May.Last 2 days, I have started to follow the discussion forms and esp. Cinnymd. When I have started to read what she wrote, I realized that I did something for my husband to get him back( I really want him back)but it was not as much as cınny did. Yesterday, he was seriously told me that he wanted to divorce and I started to beg him not to because I love him and I do not lose him and I want another chance.That was the second time I have really understood that I am very close to lose him. I have started to understand what he was thinking when he sees me and touches me. I am killing him everyday. I am disgusting and what I did to him can not be forgiven.I have started to read Dr.Harley's columns and fortunately my H believes those things but he is not willing to try them because he believes that he has already done them but I was blind to see them.
Please I need immediate advices to get my husband back and rebuild my marriage.

Mr. Berry77,

Please let us know what you have read from here to help you come to the conclusion your W has just written about. Can't help your W w/o knowing more about you.

L.

Dear Berry,

You sound like you are in a lot of pain. Its very, very difficult. I know about that.

I am glad to hear that you have definitely broken it off with OM, and for about 5 months now, right? That is good. Did you write a letter to him? Does your H know that you have broken it off completely? THe other things that you could do are to change your MSN and email etc passwords and give your H your new ones. DO this despite what he might say about it - just give it to him and tell him that you are never going to use the old ones again.

From your post I gather that you are a scientist or engineer, right? So the way you can approach this is to think of it as a very large and challenging research project. First of all try to find a way to calm down. There are lots of ways. For some people, its sports, exercise in the gym or meditation. For others its talking to a counsellor or sympathetic friend or family member. Church, prayer. Hobbies. Walking along the beach or in the mountains. Taking anti-depressant medication. I guess you know what works for you.

By approaching it as a research project, I mean, to look at the facts, the books and resources and see what they tell you, to work out what needs to be done, and finally to DO it, without letting your emotions get in the way. THere are lots of good links on this site that explain about As. Have you read Dorry's guide for FWWs? Have you read After the Affair by Katie Colson? Have you read Surviving an Affair? It explains about how not to be emotionally reactive, but stop, think, educate yourself and then DO what needs to be done.

It sounds like right now your H is withdrawing from you. If that is the case, chasing, begging, crying, etc are probably pushing him further away. You need to stop doing these, and show him through your actions that you are serious. Its very difficult and it takes time.

Good luck, keep reading and keep posting!!

Welcome to MB ... Your English is very charming by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The flaw with your last sentence (in quote) should be obvious. You want a quick answer .... there is none. This is a very slow and tedious process, healing a broken relationship.

Think of a garden. You go out to prepare the soil, and you hoe around and loosen up the dirt, then you plant the seeds, then you water and fertilize the garden .... [i]then you go outside and YELL at your seedling plants [i] "HURRY UP AND GROW I WANT FAST RESULTS !!!"

This relationship is your garden. How are you prepared to get your garden as green and as lush as you dream it can be? Are you ready to dig and get yourself dirty? Are you ready to study about gardening? Are you ready to weed things out that do not belong in your garden?

Your blood sweat and tears are required ... and your patience and determination and stamina....

Are you willing to be the gardener of your marriage?

Hello Orchid, pep, smur,
Thank you for trying to help my wife and help us. I would like to explain in details my situation. But I have to let my wife know this. So I can do it later today as I'm working now.
We're not happy with MC and IC in our country. (Thank god I've found MB). So your experiences for me are very valuable in my case. My case is not harder than any other one but I have difficulties to deal with it as many others.
As pep indicated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> english is not my mother tongue. So feel free to correct my english.

Dear John and Berry,

if you don't mind me asking, what country are you from? I'm glad you found some helpful advice here.

John & Berry,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you both have to be here but together you can both survive this ordeal.

John, if you can please read the thread in my signature link: 5 stages of grieving. I think it will help you understand what you are and maybe going through.

Berry, if you will please read the thread in my signature link: Trueheart's letter to the WS. I think you will understand the depth of what your actions have done AND how to heal.

Both threads were written to help myself and my WS at a very critical time in our life. It helped me first and several years later, it helped my H.

It makes me happy to see you both here, trying to learn. Many of us do not get that opportunity. Please keep posting and if you let us know what country you are from, it may help if we know any MBers out that way.

The posters here are from around the world but this 1 topic brings us together for support.

take care,
L.

If you don't mind we would like to stay more anonymous as it will be more comfortable for us. I'll try to explain my situation later today
Thank you for your help

Berry,

I am glad you and your H have found this site and I think it will help you a lot. I want to provide you a few thoughts for your consideration, and hopefully to discuss with your H.

I think the problem you have is much deeper than just the affair and I think the fact that you don't realize this is part of the reason your H MAY feel as he does.

You see you LEFT him for a year to pursue YOUR goals and dreams in your profession. Before you left for a year, you were working hard on your degree and I am sure he came second then as well. I am sure your H understood these things and was a sacrifice for him to lose you for more than a year.

The problem you have is that both of your lives have revolved around YOUR goals and he has supported these goals. However, you having an affair because YOU were lonely and depressed about YOUR decisions makes this doubly hard for your H to handle. You then couple this with continued contact with OM after you return home (with a mixed heart as you mentioned) and it becomes even harder for him to handle.

And you know what is likely the most difficult thing for him to handle, is that you don't realize this was and is all about YOU. You don't see these were all your choices, not his, and because your choices have focused on your career, your feelings, your needs, he feels the need to make a choice of his own.

I may be wrong in this but I suspect I am not. You have not only hurt your H, but he has not been part of your decision making for a long time, so when you choose another man, and continued contact with him, what is your H to think?

Just because you say you "love" him, does not mean a thing, because you have choosen to say or not say things to him as they suit YOUR needs for a long time now. What you have NOT done is show him you love him. Love is a verb, and that is why in most wedding ceremonies you can promise before friends, family and God, that you will love your spouse forever. It is not a feeling, they come and they go. It is a promise to DO something, and that something is love your spouse.

Your H has stated that he does not love you. What he has stated really is that he does not "feel" love for you, although he might be willing to honor his commitment to ACT loving IF he felt he was valued. Your actions to date have given him little indication that he is. Your words...are really pretty meaningless.

I hope that you think very carefully about what I have said, and I hope that you and your H will discuss what I have said. This marriage is NOT over, but what it will take is for the two of you to see things far differently than you do now. AND then you must act far differently than you have to date. You see it is your actions NOT your words that will speak to your H's heart. His love for you can be restored, but he will need to see actions not words.

Please think about this. I look forward to hearing from both of you. I am sure others will point you two to many articles to read and I will do the same once you post again.

God Bless,

JL

Dear J & B,

I understand that it can be very exposing to be talkign about private problems like this on a public forum. I find it difficult too. I am from Australia, by the way. I have also lived in a few other countries. There are others on here from other countries.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting.

It was her dream to go to this country and work there as she's devoted to her job (not like me). I did everything I could to help her for this dream. And finally she went to this country on february 2004. We met 2 times in this country, one is in LV. for 1 week. (We were crying at the end of the LV trip because of our love). The other is in AM. for 3 weeks.
After the AM trip I was counting days left for her return.
In the beginning of the february she returned. I was waiting for her with gorgeous flowers in the airport. I saw her coming from the bus, it was 1 of my happiest moment in my life. She saw me, hug me and began to cry. In the car she was silent, I thought that she was tired. But she was not interested in me. That night she cried loudly and yelled like "what am I doing here I want to go back". I thought that she was not happy in her work in our country (That's true anyway).
Following day she began talking about the OM (not telling that he was the OM). They were working together and that was all I know. That night she began to IM with him, I went to get her back to the bed but she was not interested and stayed for nearly 2 hours IMing with the OM. The next day we argued about this in front of her family. I was leaving home because of this. She told me that she's sorry to be this close to the OM and that it was a mistake. She told me that The OM was her very good friend who was helping her a lot for her unfinished works. And she told me that she understood clearly the problem when the situation hit her (I was leaving home) That night I left her alone for some time and checked her IM software and set the option to save dialog. When I got back home she IM'ed again with him so I argued again but she never accepted the OM (Fog??). So I've trusted her and let her IM with OM sometimes for her uncompleted works and I was checking what they were talking in the following days. She was happy IMing with him that's for sure.
For 2 months she was not very interested in me. She was checking her mails in every opportunity. I was suspicious and I was trying to meet her ENs without any LBs. When I was listening her carefully, I was getting that something was going on. So in the beginning of April, I tried to talk to her and asked her if there was something going on with the OM. She stayed silent mostly (which was not her character) and simply told me "NO he is my close friend". I told her that to love somebody else was not a problem but to stay with me in the same time was the problem. She didn't respond back to that. 2-3 days after this speech, she began to treat me kindly and gently. 2-3 weeks later we bought the appartment that she asking me for many times. After buying the appartment, 1 day she refused to kiss me and told me that she didn't deserve me.
Anyway I put a software to her computer and get her hidden email address and password.
1 of the Worst moment in my entire life. I got into this mailbox and saw the love-mails that she sent him. She was waiting for me to work overtime to Im with him. I saw the lovewords for him. She never treated me in the same way, only for my birthdays. Whe was going late to work to IM with him. I began crying. Called her, and told her that I saw everything. When I got back home she sent an email to the OM (this is the end I love my husband etc..)
In the following days she obviously confessed about EA. We began to MC. A Month later she confessed about the PA as I asked her many times. At the beginning I thought that I can handle that. But now I'm emotionnally drained I don't feel good or bad anything. I can't sleep. I still know that there are still missing parts in her puzzle. I don't really trust her as I remember everytime her lies. She waited for 4 months to act, she waited for me to tell her about the divorce. Now that she understood the problem when the situation hit her=divorce(I remember this one from somewhere:)) I'm really tired and I think that honesty is most important part in a relationship. I feel ready to begin a new life. I think she has to do something for herself. Try to have the courage to begin a new life. So she have to take the responsibility for her actions. I'm a good person and will be a good person. I'm still questioning my self about all this stuff and try to be a better person after all. I see the same for the part of my wife but I'm not sure if her efforts are enough.
I'm ready to answer all your questions,
thank you for reading all of this and trying to help me
john

Hello JL,
you're great, that's the way I think and that's the way I feel. I can't explain better than this.
Thank you very much.

Well John,

Then you don't have to explain to her, let her read this thread again and discuss what each of you think. It is very difficult to be the spouse of a student especially in a PhD program. It takes a lot of sacrifice on your part. I suspect your W has not appeciated what it has taken, what it has cost you emotionally, and how you feel you have gotten short changed, because not only has she not finished, not only did you lose her for a year, but she did NOT value you or your efforts.

Sounds very bad doesn't it? Well it is very bad and as I said she needs to do more than say she is sorry. What would that be? I think first you two need to start on common ground and acknowledge where each of you are right now.

Then the stronger of the two of you right now is going to have to carry the load for awhile.

None of this sounds very appealing does it John? But, neither is divorce, although to you it sounds as good as ceasing to pound your head on a brick wall. So it sounds very good to you right now, right? Sounds very peaceful doesn't it?

Well, it is peaceful compared to what you are going through now, but it could be a very empty peace. What might be better is to be married to a woman that loved you deeply, respected you, valued your contributions to the marriage, and wanted to be with you body and soul. Doesn't that sound good? There is the chance you are married to that woman now. There is the chance she is now finally facing what she has done and what she has and will lose. There is a chance she will change her focus from herself to you and the marriage.

So, my recommendation is give this some more time. See what she does, what she changed in her behavior, see if her goals change. You have plenty of time so go slow. The ball is in her court so to speak, so see how she plays it.

Must go, but hang in there, this could work out well.

God Bless,

JL

Hi. Smur
I have no connection with OM for about 5 months. I heve not written to him yet, but 5 or 6 days after my husband found out A, I called him only one time and told what had happened. It was a short call. The main reasons were telling him how much pain I was having and I wanted him to understand what he has done to me and took a promise that he would not tell anyone even priest that he had an A with me. He was the initiator but I was the one who has to face the bad results. I sometimes tell myself that this A would have happened if my H with me. I do not want to accuse my H for not being with me. He wanted a lot but he could not do it .I should not need to be controlled by somebody but I have to control myself.
I have closed my hotmail account and I let him knew. I have two more accounts and he knows their password so he can control them anytime.
I like doing exercise but I do not have any energy to do it because neither I nor my H can sleep very well these day. I am really sad when he could not sleep because I know that he is always thinking the A and I am the main reason. God knows how much I want him to sleep for at least 8 hours.
I have not read those books yet but we purchased them online and will get it following weeks. I am trying to follow the dicussion forms to see what other WS and BS did.
Right , I am a scientist and it is a good idea to look at it as a difficult research project . I have to patient to get the results. Actually I am not patient which is a bad habit.

I will continue going to counselor but I do not want to talk this situation with somebody else who knows me. My H and I decided to talk about my emotionally wrong side and the weak part of my soul. For instance, I do believe that I am selfish but I do not know how to change it or reduce it’s degree. So we will discuss what kind of solution can be found. And I will also ask my counselor.

I would like to ask something to you and both other members. My H sometimes ask me something about my A or related to A but those are not related to why it had happened, he wants to learn all details . When he asks me I prefer not to tell. I want to close that part of my life except the reasons of the A and start with a white page.
Whenever he learn one more details he will accuse for them. If you read his last message he was accussing me having not shown him the behaviours that I showed to OM. When we were dating I was very nice to him , too. I did not have many dates before the marriage even though my appearance is quite good and I am quite beautiful. I will tell to JL why I was so busy to my career and why it is so im portant to me so that I do not even think to date to somebody.

One of the important reasons of these are I was not aware of what the marriage is and I was not ready for the marriage.
Please keep writing to me ,by this way I can find some ways to direct my project.

Hi Berry,

I am happy if you found something useful to you from what I said. I also had a A about 2 years ago. I do know about how difficult it is. My H was devastated when I told him about it 15 months ago. He still hurts over it.

I agree that patience is difficult, but it can be learnt.

Our recovery over the last year has mainly been about me learning about myself, learning about M, and growing up! I was also very stressed and working too hard at the time of the A. The work was for ME. My H didn't ask me to do that work. So over the past year I have been learning a lot about myself. I have been focusing on growing, and on H and our relationship. Learning to think about making decisions in a new way, and to respect and accept H as a person separate from me. Learning to take full responsiblity for what I did. To recognise his hurt and pain, and try to make amends as best I can. To put our M as the top priority in my life.

One thing I learnt is that my selfishness and immaturity, which led to the A, actually started a long time before that. It started when I didn't make an effort to overcome my emotional reactivity, and learn to communicate about problems without tears, avoiding, distancing, blaming, or other road blocks. It started when I didn't communicate how unhappy I was and ask for the support I needed. When I decided to keep working even though I was exhausted and emotionally depleted, because my self esteem was low and I needed to feel good at my job, no matter what the cost. When I ignored the growing distance between us because I was busy with other things.

You say that your H wants to know details. My H did too, and I think most people do want to know. It was extremely difficult to tell him the details, because I felt so much shame and guilt. I hated myself for what I did and the pain it caused. But it had to be done. Until I answered every question he had, he couldn't begin to heal.

Please keep posting !

Hi. Smur and JL
After receiving the post of Smur, I could not control my feelings. I took an appointment from my therapist. During the session we found some reasons why I had an A and we also decided to tell every details of my A to my husband.I wanted to be honest with him.As Dr. Herley say it is the first begining after the A. I wanted to do it in front of her.So, I and my H went to her office today. When I started to telling the details of my A, I was full of ashamed and d&#305;sgusted myself. My H was listening in patience and I could see from his eyes that he was devastated. But I do believe that he derseved to learn the truths long time ago but I was not that strong and brave to share them with him.As Smur says and Dr.Harley say that if I want him to heal himself I had to do it. I could not bare keeping the secrets any more and when I was keeping them as hidden , my husband was feeling worst.
Smur,
May I ask you what was your H reaction after he learned the details?Why did you have that A? What kind of reasons caused him to come back to you?Has he ever send D papers?How could you convince him to continue your marriage?
I would appreciate if you can share them.

JL,
No one could explain my addiction to job and what kind of sacrifies my H did for me better than you did.I graduated as a best student of my term and I got two awards. I am ambitious and I always want to be the best. But look at me, how bad I am in marriage and I failed in the examination of life and marriage.
I am very close to lose everything, and my job is not very important to me anymore. My H might lose his job until this week and I offered him that if he wants to go another city because of a job, I will come with him.

I am in peace for sharing the truths with my H. I have owed him long time ago.But the conditions were not suitable and I was not that brave and strong. What I feel right now is afraid of losing my H and I had a strong pain in my stomach and I am desperate. He is willing to divorce and I do not know what I can do to change his mind.
Please help me to convince him to stay. I want him back .Please.hear me ..............

I am alone at home right now. My H went out without saying anything. I have called my therapist and talk to her for a while. My husband kept asking me the details of the A and I was trying to answer his shameful and humiliating questions eventhough I was devastated. What I did this morning made me sick and it was really tough and unresistable to answer his questions but I continued beacuse I was trying to do it for him and I do believe that he was in need of it.
What he complained to me this afternoon has killed me.He told me that OM have thrown me to My H's lap and OM continues his life where he left , He got what he wanted from me and he is probably very happy right now,and My H is the one who is supposed to clean this dirt and cope with all unhappiness, infidelity and a unfaithful Wife . He thinks that only a garbage has been left for him. The garbage is unfortunately ME. He believes that I deserve to be cheated.
I am desperate.I really don't know what to do. I don't know if he will come back this evening or not.
I am losing him. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

berry77,

Please understand that your H is going through what is called the 'emotional rollercoaster'. He is trying his best to control the wild emotional ride between hope and despair, between love and hatred, between retribution and forgiveness that your affair has put him on. Your fear is not going to help either one of you so please try to avoid letting it take total control of you. Your H needs you now more than ever, don't give in to despair.

TMCM

Berry, you are an intelligent and articulate young woman. But you, like your husband, are "awash" in your emotions and right now your emotions are controlling your reactions and your behaviors. The "desperation" I hear in your message is clear. It is a "good thing" to hear for a couple of very good reasons. First, your husband can see that you really ARE remorseful and that you really do want him (important because ALL Betrayed Spouses have had their own self-image and self-confidence destroyed and they left with the feeling of being "2nd Best," 2nd Choice," "Leftovers instead of the Main Course" (and "leftovers" are sometimes eaten and sometimes just thrown to the dogs, but the seldom taste better than when they were hot out of the oven and THE main course).

Here's an example of your emotions controlling you; "I am losing him. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Berry, you "lost" your husband when you chose to commit adultery. That's a FACT. Now that you are feeling the reality of that fact, you are reacting in desperation and looking for some sort of "magic pill" to "make it all better NOW!!!!!" It doesn't work that way, Berry. Recovery of a marriage is up to the Betrayed Spouse in much the same way that the Affair was up to you. You chose. Now it's Johnalone's time to choose.

There is no way for me to adequately describe the TOTAL devastation that your husband is feeling. But I want to give you an analogy that might help a little while you are both enduring this stage of recovery. Your husband has a RIGHT to ask all the questions he wants to and you have the OBLIGATION to answer truthfully. BUT you do not have to answer without compassion for what impact the information might have on your husband. IF he asks about something that is potentially very hurtful, you can ask him if he REALLY wants you to answer that question NOW, or if he'd like to think about whether or not he really needs that particular information. If he does, then you answer...now or when he comes back later and says he wants the information. But you are being "sensitive" to the fact that all of that information can, and will, be permanently lodged in his memory and, here's the analogy I spoke of earlier, it's very much like "rubbing salt in a wound." It may help the long-term healing, but it hurts like hades nonetheless.

Too many open wounds and too much "salt" at one time, and the pain can become overwhelming and make "death," (i.e., divorce) seem like the BEST option.

To your husband, Johnalone, I would say this. He has an "insatiable 'need to know' all the details" that right now ONLY you and the Other Man know. But, Johnalone, THINK about the information you are asking for. Is it something you NEED right now, or are just "curious" about? The affair happened, and now your wife is coming out of the "FOG" that clouded her brain and is seeing how badly she "screwed up." The "details" of the affair are something that each Betrayed Spouse must ask themselves how much is "enough." Just remember that all those "details" will become permanently lodged in your memory and can make recovery of your marriage, if that is what you decide you want, very difficult because they will lend themselves to your "dwelling" on the affair. MEN are very visual, and the "mental movies" that I know have been assailing you are bad enough when they are made up of your thoughts about what it "must have been like," but they are "worse" when you flesh those movies out with real detail. So PLEASE ask yourself if the answer to a question will help or hinder you in recovering your marriage and let that guide you in what questions you want Berry to answer for you.

Berry, I also don't know if faith in Christ plays any role in your lives, but your husband is going to have to face the issue of Forgiveness head on. It is now going to take on much more meaning than just some "word." He will know the "cost" of forgiveness and what it means to be willing to "die" for your spouse.

Berry, IF you and your husband are SERIOUS about wanting to recover your marriage then you BOTH need to understand that there are long-term commitments that you both have to agree to and embrace, as well as knowing that your "old" marriage is already dead and what you will be committing to is to rebuild and "new and better" marriage. This process will take an average of 2 Years, so ENDURANCE and COMMITMENT will be two essential components.

There is so much that you both need to learn and so much that needs to be a part of your new marriage, but like most journeys, we have to start at the beginning and "learn as we go." This will be very much like being in school to learn. You start with "Basic Courses" and build on them with more "Advanced Courses."

So consider this site (and the information available on it) to be "General Studies" and "textbooks" to get some "head knowledge." Then, once you have both studied and learned the basics (like what Emotional Needs are) you will be able to begin to put that knowledge into practice.

Learn about the Rule of Caring.
Learn about Openness and Honesty.
Learn about Taker and Giver.
Learn about Policy of Joint Agreement.
Learn about all of the concepts that make up Marriage Builders.

Berry, since you sound very sincere in your realization that you DO love your husband and that you MAY actually lose him because of what you did, I want you to understand that right now he is "lost" in his own sea of emotions. It's like a tsunami hit him and tore away ALL that he believed in and ALL that he thought was true. ALL trust in you has been destroyed and the so-called "blind trust" that we give our spouses intially is gone forever. Trust CAN be rebuilt, but it will take and consistant behavior. So YOU are going to have to be patient and endure the pain YOU are feeling at the potential of losing him in order to give him time to reach the decision that the marriage is "worth attempting to save."

Hang in there, it will get better. Both you and your husband can "count" on one thing from your participation here on these forums....you will both get support, understanding, AND "hard truth" when it is needed. We have all "been" where the two of you are today and we have "gone through the fire" and know that "refining" a newer and better marriage is a painful process before the "purer" metal of a new marriage is obtained.

God bless.

berry, can you please tell your H we would like to speak to him and send him here?