I am coming up with a list of strengths and weaknesses if you can bear with me for a couple of minutes.

Some of my strengths are:

*Intelligent
Athletic (though bad knee)
*Very kind heart
**Travellor
make a good living (albeit she doesn't like my travelling)
Patient
Very helpful to her family
Articulate
*We both own businesses, I have help her termendously with hers
Good Father potential
**Great cook
She considers me the nicest guy she has ever met
*'s indicate the importance to her

My weaknesses (in her eyes)

Don't care of myself (although I now weigh the same as when I met her, and 35 lbs lighter than when we married)

Not expressive enough, not attentive enough

Not a good match sexually, she thinks i am not aggressive enough. Our sex life has been boring, and only 6 or 7 out of ten early on and 1 or 2 recenlty. My previous relationship was a 10 out 10 (crazy monkey sex). She thinks my ex was very aggressive and that is why it was so good. blah blah blah. I think our problems are more to do with us not being completely comfortable with each other and getting more boring over the years.

Not outgoing enough

Talk to much about business, not about other stuff



I was thinking of travelling this winter if we are done. Maybe I should talk of this with her (us travelling together, I would pay for it) sorta like what you did with the surgery. There is no way the OM could compete with that.

Don't sweat this. If your relationship was anything like mine I'm sure any sex would be better than the boring, predictable, mundane, Husband/wife sex you've been having with WW the last few years. I know I was stuck in a rut. We had our formula sex and it was over. The biggest upside for me after this affair thing is we as a couple have broken out of our sexual shell. We regret how it happened but not the resulting intimacy and outstanding SF.

My wife was convinced she'd never be able to get over the sexual fulfillment she was able to obtain with OM. Read her very first posts (click on our name and flip thru search results). It tore me up but somehow I knew things were not as bad as she believed. Now our SF is better than it has ever been in our entire relationship and we intend to continue to pursue ways to make it better.

In conclusion, ITS FOG TALK. Don't sweat it. Learn from it. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I might be the strangest person here but I actually appreciate a few of the things my wife learned. I can't change it, so why not enjoy it.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering

Appreciate that input, I do feel if we patch it up, that the sex life will be a 10 out of 10.


Just to let you know, we just got back in April from a 3 month vacation in SE asia. We were planning to start a family this summer when this happen. I feel when it came down to the nitty gritty, (the affair started 1 week b4 we were going to start trying to make babies) she felt trapped in an unattentive relationship.

She has ask alot of questions about my parents, I think she feels that my parents (boring lifestyle in her eyes) will be the model of us in years to come.


Any more thoughts??

[quote] My weaknesses (in her eyes)

Don't take care of myself -

[color:"red"] Go tanning, go to a beautician instead of the barber, get a manicure, get facials, go shopping for new clothes, GET A NEW COLOGNE, work out, make a point to dress nice even when just casual [/color]

Not expressive enough, not attentive enough

[color:"red"] Yea, I used to be stoic also. This affair will dramatically change that all by itself. The simple act of fighting for your marriage will be a huge, I mean huge, expression of your feelings for her and Plan A along with the MB principles will teach you how to be attentive to her needs as opposed to being attentive to the needs you think she has [/color]

Not a good match sexually, she thinks I am not aggressive enough. Our sex life has been boring, and only 6 or 7 out of ten early on and 1 or 2 recenlty. My previous relationship was a 10 out 10 (crazy monkey sex). She thinks my ex was very aggressive and that is why it was so good. blah blah blah. I think our problems are more to do with us not being completely comfortable with each other and getting more boring over the years.

[color:"red"] Ding, Ding, Ding, sound the fog horn - if she can even acknowledge now that it was a 6 or 7 back then, then she's definitely fogged out. Again, Don't over emphasize things here. Done the road in recovery SF will take care of itself. Remember, no matter how badly you want to redeem yourself in bed it will be awhile until she's 100% over this affair, out of the fog and ready to give you full SF, to the best of her ability. You've got to fill her love bank dramatically. Build intimacy beyond that you've know previously in your relationship. Before you know it your the best lover she's ever had and she'll be shocked and embarrassed she ever thought that about OM [/color]

Not outgoing enough -

[color:"red"] Start going out, with or without her, she just wants to party and have fun. OM is just a fun diversion, with no problems, just unadulterated FUN with which started out as no intention of ever getting serious feelings involved. [/color]

Talk to much about business, not about other stuff

[color:"red"] How much business have you discussed lately with her. This is definetly going to change as a natural result of this affair. Your priorities have been and will forever be slightly rearranged. Plus you found MB. MB principles teach us men how to include and incorporate our wives throughout our life. Also, My wife and I have been posting here like crazy and enjoy discussing everything that goes on here. I believe we may be doing this for quite awhile together. I doubt to the extreme pace we currently find ourselves posting; but, a lot nonetheless. [/color]

I wouldn't put much stock in this argument. Though the timing of this affair is peculiar and her reservations may have contributed to it, I bet her unhappiness preceeded this affair by years. Have you been the husband you dreamed of being? Didn't you always dream of your wife as this ideal woman that you were going to put way up on a pedestal? I know my wife and I both became disillusioned by the seeming realities of marriage. Neither of us, "Got it" and neither of us knew how to "Get it". We were paralyzed. Her affair was the catalyst to me finding this site and together we are building a better marriage. My biggest regret now is the 7 years of marriage we wasted being immature, neglectfull, self-righteous, self-absorbed, etc.

You will eventually have the opportunity to discuss this with her. To see how much she really fears having children and being a mother. It is a very scary thing for women. Does she have any really good friends with a 2 to 6 year old where the husband travels a lot? They may have shared some of their real thoughts with her. 21st century women were not raised to be selfless mothers. Mothering is a nearly thankless job. She may have been getting cold feet and been advised by a friend to reconsider or at least sow some wild oates before jumping into it.

Who knows - I've have got to go to bed. Good night and as always, good luck, Mr. Wondering

I hope you've stopped posting cause your wife came home, finally. It's got to be about midnight or 1 am out there. Anyway, last thought.

Regarding Dr. Harley session. Ask him specifically how you are supposed to handle situations like tonight...when wife says she'll be home around a certain time then fails to show, fails to answer cell phone and shows up 6 hours or the next morning as if it O.K.. Inquire with wife listening whether you should change the locks, pack up her stuff and mover her out. I know Dr. Harley will tell you no, don't separate at all...but the question will make sure WW knows that were it not for Dr. Harley you may be out of this marriage...that you also are just trying to assess whether you really want to make this work.

I recommend something like this b/c she's treating you like a patsy. It's horrible. Understandable from what I've seen on these boards and experienced myself but I still hate to see it. Every once in awhile I see a marriage fail on these boards. There are no guarantees and this is ultimately your life. We've discussed a lot of gamesmanship. Some of it worked for me. But I am no professional. Please differ to Dr. Harley whenever possible.

Mr. Wondering

Bob...

How are you? We are curious about how things went last night/this morning, but more importantly, what happened today with Steve Harley?

Hope you are hanging in there...

Mr. & Mrs. Wondering

Good luck.