Hi LL!!

I am just very concerned about you. If you are willing, please give us an update; good or bad.

Others, please keep bumping this post. I am just really concerned for her.

I'm still around. Thanks for your concern.

I haven't been on here for a while. More of an update later, maybe. My daughter crashed again a while back--most on here are aware of that. I'm not going into that subject except to say I have determined my options depending on what she chooses to do, and we're working through it. It has not been easy on me, though Mr. Awesome Guy has been very supportive.

Things with him continue to be awesome. We crossed our 2-month "anniversary" of when we first started communicating yesterday. I choose not to elaborate much right now for fear of major uproar regarding what I might post, but still no major red flags with him and frankly I just keep feeling more and more right about the two of us. (Minor red flags: He's a picky eater, he doesn't like seafood--one of my favorite things, and he's a major sports fan--will take some adjustment during NFL season, but I'm up for the challenge! In other words, nothing to get shook about.) I met his parents last weekend. They are wonderful, down-to-earth people. I felt immediately comfortable with them, even took them to church with us on Sunday.

It took him almost two months of near constant contact of some form to figure out what you all already know. After one very long, draining conversation about my daughter where he was trying rather unsuccessfully to get me to see reason, he finally said sort of under his breath, "You know, you really are pig-headed." Yep, I am... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We seem to be very comfortable with each other overall.

LL

Whew!! I am glad you are ok. I am very sorry about your daughter. I was not aware that she had another crash. I know life with her is a constant challenge.

Best of Luck with your daughter and good to hear about you and your boyfriend going strong... good for you.... You and your daughter will be ok....

No uproar from my corner <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, but please take note of what you observe. Dating is all about testing compatibility, but sometimes we want so much for a relationship to work that we ignore the potentially big incompatibilities.

I don't see the above points as deal breakers (the last one would raise my eyebrow though), but do not underestimate the potential significance of the other two - a spouse who is glued to the TV every Sunday may become much more annoying than a boyfriend whom you see only on weekends. I said it before and I will repeat it here - in a long distance relationship, you should plan to date much much longer than in a "normal" day-to-day dating situation before making any decisions about compatibility, because you are basically taking a bunch of mini-vacations (despite the hours on the phone and countless emails). Two years would seem like a very reasonable timeframe, IMO.

Anyway, glad that things are going well, but make sure to keep the cart behind the horse <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Having come from 19 years of marriage to an alcoholic and learning to be compatible, these items above are very small potatoes. I am not a picky person and am content to do about anything as long as the other person is there with me. And if I want to do something that he doesn't want to (generally, that'd be go shopping, because other than that there's really not a lot I like to do outside of being around home), I am fully capable of doing that on my own, probably on a day when he's watching NFL.

We did football on Sunday afternoon. He watched tv, and I sat and snuggled with him as he watched. It works fine for me and he seemed to enjoy being able to explain a little more to me about the game. I'm not one who has to be up doing things. Give me some tortilla chips and salsa and a guy's arm around me during the game and a kiss or two during commercials and I'm a happy camper. I really just desire the companionship.

As for the "pig-headed" comment (well-deserved, as he was on the phone until midnight on a work night trying to get me to see reason regarding my DD), nothing to worry about. First, I know I'm stubborn and he was warned in advance. It just took him a while to believe it. We've had some good jokes since then about it. It's all good at this point, and in the end, it's something he'll have to decide if he can live with, not the other way around.

Like I said, I have come across nothing that makes me in any way concerned about him as of yet and we've spent a considerable amount of time together over the last few weekends, with his kids and their activities, with his parents, and with my daughter and her issues. If anything, we've probably shorted ourselves on the dating/alone time that two people generally get at the beginning of a relationship because it's been taking time when we could get it, however we could get it, and with a lot of our money going toward gas for transportation and with him having his kids for the last 2 weekends and this upcoming one as well, that doesn't leave much money or alone-time for dinners out, movies, etc.

Don't be worrying about me getting married in 2 months or anything though. We have had some 'future' discussions already, we both agree that living together is not an option at any time, and we agree that generally after a year or so, a couple should have a pretty good idea of their compatability. However, because of his pursuit of his doctorate, which is going to be one more year of classes and then another year where he has to remain closely tied with the college as he works on his dissertation, and the fact that we both agree that it would be really dumb for me to give up the very good job I currently have, we're looking at probably two years of long-distance dating anyway. (Gas prices are really screwing things up--we may have to give up our midweek meetings, but neither of us is willing to admit that yet.)

LL

Well LL,

Yes, I am sure dealing with a man who likes to watch football pales in comparison to a man who drinks and uses meth (if I remember correctly). And I know that being called pig-headed is nothing compared to the things you have been called before.

Sometimes, the idea of being married to someone who is not consumed with the love of money is something I dream of.

True... Yet one of the biggest mistakes people make in their relationships is choosing someone because they are "better" or "different" than the ex... Each relationship should be able to stand on its own merits, not just because "I lived with much worse before".

I am NOT at all saying that this is the basis of LL's relationship with her BF, I am simply stating that the "anti-ex" is not automatically the right match <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Understood. And 90% of all men are probably the "anti-ex". But I certainly don't see anything at this point that says he's the wrong match, either.

I get a little frustrated sometimes by people (not just on here) who seem to think a person has to date many people and compare them, and experience all different types of guys, to find the right one. Or that they the relationship needs to move very slowly and carefully, or it's a big red flag.

Why? I know what I want (in simplest terms). I want a Christian man, around my age, who lives by his beliefs (though who I realize also won't be perfect). Once I find that, which I believe I have, I'll sort through all the other much-less-important stuff.

I believe it's possible for a person to find the right match on their first date. (I dated 5 guys, by the way, so even I had to work harder than that.) I also believe some people become serious faster and some slower. I work with a woman who has been married for 25 years to a guy she met and slept with on the first night, moved in with within a week, and was engaged to within 3 months of meeting him. I'm not saying that's a good idea. I'm just saying they're still married, and while they've had their rough times, neither has been unfaithful and they're still very much in love and do lots of things together. I'm moving very slowly in comparison to them.

I'm keeping my eyes open and asking questions and observing, as does he. But things are going very well and I feel quite comfortable with him.

LL

I don't think anyone says that a person has to meet many people before choosing their mate, and go slow in dating. But I think the conventional wisdom is that the chances of finding the right mate are much higher if people do "shop around" and go slow.


At the risk of getting into a pointless debate here, I think you would be selling yourself very short if Christianity is all you wanted in a man and the rest is "much less important" to you. Faith is an important part of choosing a mate, but it is a tiny tiny part of the overall package. It may be hugely important to you, in which case I would say that you should only stick to dating Christian men and not compromise on that, but I think that should be just a starting point, your first filter in choosing a man, not the be-all-end-all criterion.


Absolutely. I also know someone who decided to get married on their first date (you read this correctly), and were married for next 25 years until the husband passed away. But again, chances of this working are much lower than for people who take their time.

I encourage you to enjoy the company of your BF, LL, just keep your eyes open <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. It's been ONLY two months; despite what you think, you barely know the man.

AGG

Glad things are going well for you, LL. I think I've got a pretty good one too. We'll see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I should say... I don't get to look at your profile anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, shucks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Didn't know I would be missed.

I find it interesting that various people keep asking this same question. Did anybody ever get an answer.